to those who read the following, just know that you cannot judge me based on what you see here, like for eg, a person can react diffrently to the same situation when it happens a 2nd time or whatever. all the 'no right to judge me as a person based on a facet of my personality' shit? yeah it applies here k. lol. if you're a friend of mine, dont ask me abt this k, i wld rather not talk abt it. thanks.
to a certain person in my life, you came and had a 'serious talk' with me. because i hv known u a long time, i know what u r gonna talk to me abt in general. what i do, what i 'will hv to' do, what i shdnt do, pull a guilt trip on me...same old, same old. n in the past it might hv worked, for then i was younger, more innocent, gullible, naive, trusting and most of all, i was disgustingly weak.
well, things change, as do ppl, n i am no exception. u seem to not get this idea thou. but anw it doesnt work anymore, so its nw more like u're attempting to pull a guilt trip on me. yes,it was unbelievably effective before, bt nw? u bore me so much tht i simply cant be bothered anymore. oh is this the 1st time u've been xposed to the idea tht *shock* someone might actually not be interested to hear wad u hv to say? jeez well, newsflash! the world wld be a better place if u kept ur opinions n comments to yourself (at least for me it wld be)
i dont understand it, i really dont. when u came to hv ur talk, exactly wad were u hoping t get outa this? were u aiming to 'wake me up to my senses'? dude, u're the one who's not getting it ok. did u want change? well insulting me n my friends are not, i repeat, not gonna what u want. perhaps u wanted gratitude? sorry, but i really dont see much to thank u for. i am who i am today because of u, yes, but i dont mean tht in a gd way,okay?
so u talk abt all these things i've heard b4, what, u think i dont noe them alr? you are sooo out of it. i cannot believe the things tht u suggested i wld do! there is no way i am gonna retake Os, okay dude? because there is no way i am gonna fail them in the 1st place. unless my soul gets sucked into another body in the middle of it,which i cannot be responsible for. and the whole hanging out w not v bright frens instead of the smart ones? bitch, u fucking hv no RIGHT to judge my frens, u dont know them n u dont know what they do!!!
my frens hv made me happier than u hv ever & probably will ever, yes they are probably more impt to me than u are, n im afraid nothing u can do will change tht.
nothing.
and tht's really sad.
they've made me feel better abt myself n my life than u hv, which is actually nt saying much but v impt cos u're really the most destructive person in my entire life, beating even tht horrid cashier at subway tht refused to take my cookie order n made me wait 3 customers n then hd the nerve to give me tht ugly look tht said she thot i was insignificant n ade me want to reach over the counter n slap her plain, boring n completely forgettable face. like, dude, my cookies cost more than you earn in an hr!
anyway, tht's a whole other bitch.
back to my pt, u then say tht yes, u can still be successful in life w/o degrees,certs n a job, but u'll need looks n brains (i.e wit), like ur fren Cora who married rich.
whoa.
firstly, Cora is nt ur fren. ex-classmate,yes, but fren no. the girl doesnt even like u, only u wld b so completely deluded as to think a "FRIEND" arranges to see u only once a year. as in annual, as in sad, pathetic life?
sometimes i dont know whether to envy or pity ur way of thinking.
anw secondly, are u implying tht i am a complete waste of space? i admit i hv no looks to speak of, but u r also suggesting i am am a stupid, gormless piece of rubbish tht will not be able to hold her own in a conversation w a learned man, much less be interesting n funny n clever n witty. im sorry, but tht is just going way too far. in case u havent noticed in like the past few yrs we've known each other (namely my entire life), i hv a functioning n intact sense of humour, n a good one at tht. (how else wld i hv been able to last so long w/o one?) actually i daresay i hv a kickass sense of humour, its certainly better than more than half the ppl i know, n not only do i know alot of ppl, i do happen to attend a sch where smart kids are supposed to be aplenty. so yeah, i THINK i will be able to hv a nice conversation w someone 'smart', okay, let alone an intelligent one,thank you very much. (because i think tht u can only be funny if u're clever) PLUS, contrary to popular belief, even if u're drop-dead gorgeous n machine-gun quick on ur feet, the guy might not want you, because he might not like, love you or whatever, if we're talking abt mariage. im sure there are some guys who know tht love is overated, yes, but still key.
i cant believe you think im a useless airhead. wow.
the grand finale of the attempted guilt trip was that u are paying a whole lot for my tuition n still gave me tht NYSS package yeah? well,just one thing. you wanted me to go to tht tuition, u chose it, n u freaking forced me to go to tht specific tution center (centre?). so u really cant blame me for the fees. anw i need it cause im stupid ,right, like what you've been telling me i am since forever? OMG! you're actually *GASP* right abt smth!!
and the package? dude if u rmb, i said NTH during the entire time, in fact, knowing u wld try to put it on my head, i took extra care in ensuring tht i remain silent, n i was quieter than an ant tiptoe-ing across a carpet ok. u said yes out of ur own will, n if u had no ulterior motives, i am certainly (if not eternally) grateful, but well. tht isnt the case, is it? you were realising tht i cld hv (rightly) accused(i think tis the wrong word to use) u of depriving me of worldly or material goods, so wanting to hv smth u cld use in ur defense u said yes. u wld hv almost fooled me, had u nt said "dont say i nvr give u nth hor" right after u said yes.
sigh. giveaway much?
lastly,& i wil probably burn in bad-girl hell for this ut i stil hv to say it. i will hate u forever, bt nt because of any one specific thing tht u did in the past, esp nt the incident i mentioned earlier to u, but this is the result of a lifetime of incidents. esp the insults, criticism. insults, lack of support, insults, destructve and downright bubble-bursting comments u've ever uttered to me.
no amt of money or no of gifts can make me forget the agonizing pain, im just not magnanimous enough to forgive and forget smth this big. whatever you may do for me i might appreciate, but i will nvr be able to thank you for what you hv done to make me me.
you are just really bad at the role you are supposed to play.
i wil nvr ever treat anyone i care abt the way u treat me, because i know how it freaking feels like. when you said it hurts when i tell you to go away recently, did u ever think of how i've felt like my whole life? i might actually hv feelings, you know.
however incompetent i think i am,however much i hate myself, and however much i hate you, is all a result of your doing. i am living proof tht a kid starts believing what you say he is if u say it often enough. its unfortunate i feel this way abt you, but im just not a big enough person okay.
after so long i hv finally become used to it, so when i looked expressionless just now, i wasnt acting, i really hv become like, numb or smth. i no longer feel as affected as i did before and u cannot hurt me as much as before no more cos i hv developed like an almost immunity to you.
and for that i am damn proud.
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