farewell oh nine

Hey you. Im on my way to chalet right now, and im effing late but im alone so i thought hey why not write my end of 2009 post now?
Yep so here we are, at 31 dec, the last day of the year. And we gotta bid goodbye to 2009, and feel sad for all the things that happened this year.

Are you sad this yr will soon be gone? I cant honestly say i am, because this year has been a total waste of makeup. Haha. I mean, yes, im happy i made good friends in poly, but i also made enemies. and most of the time im unhappy rather than not in school.

But im coping. What else this year? Im sorry, i cant think of anth. Because that's how pointless this year has been. Perhaps because i'd had so many great yrs before this? Idk.

Sure, i became a lot closer w existing friends, but i also drifted away from close ones. I love all my friends, and i truly am glad life brought us tgt. But then there are those you lose on the road of life. Which is sad. Really.

And so, new environment. New friends. Poly has been...a learning experience. I've never done so much work in my life. work is still a totally new thing for me to get used to, and i hope the ppl know im trying really hard. I really, really am. I just wish they knew me a little better, or at all.

Sometimes things get a little too much for you, and you lose sight of the things tht are impt to you, or even yourself. I think this year i definitely lost myself a bit. Maybe some of you close to me might have noticed, but maybe not.

Change.
It is ever present. And no one is an exception. I've definitely changed this year. Several before this have commented on how i speak only proper english and i know this has made at least one person uneasy. And this year many were surprised at the variety of vulgarities spewing forth from me.

Im not sure how i feel abt how vulgar i can be, but i hope you know tht if i am, it's because i choose to be. And there's certainly been a lot for me to curse of this year. I hope that changes. I've realised sometimes nothing is as eloquent as a curse word.

This year old friends reconnected, and other friends were lost to me. I still miss my tuition friends, and my coaches, and i wish i still had their numbers so i could text them, but one of the things i lost this year were all my contacts, and my old phone. So if any of you old peeps see this (unlikely but possible), hit me w a text. But in the meantime i will search for you on fb :)

ah, fb. sometimes i do love you.

This year, i had my first taste of sleepovers. My mum finally said yes to letting me stay over at a friend's house just last week on christmas at yiyin's. i also had more sleepovers at my hse this year, yay. And i finally got a bit more freedom this year, about time too. i have poly to thank for that.

Okay i think that abt sums up 2009. I told you there wasnt much to miss. Thanks, you friends, you've been the only thing for me to live for. I came so close a few times...so thank you. Even if you dont know what you did. Just stay by me.

Goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. I've just abt reached pasir ris too :)

BAH RAH BLAH

what are you doing what are you doing WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????

i dont know, but you know what you SHOULD be doing?

WORK, that's what.

jeez Grace, you suck. HoCos is calling! do your work and stop surfing the net!!!!

I HATE MYSELF FOR BORROWING SO MANY BOOKS JUST NOW, THEY ARE SO TOTALLY CALLING OUT FOR ME TO READ THEM ARGHHH

no mood to go out party tmr. oops i meant later today.

you see, im supposed to go out except i havent told anyone. including my mum and the ppl who invited me. awesome.

sigh

Greek empire. mythology. i love all that jazz.

WHEN LIFE DOES NOT GIVE YOU LEMONS BUT YOU MAKE YOURSELF SOME....you are stupid

:(((((((((


Thanks Leslie, you are nice.

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am probably gonna have bad hair tmr. woot. not. sigh.

read if you care, if you dont, well then, okay.

sup dudes. i just added my cousins on fb, yay. and i realised one of them is attached now. good for him! i know he's been single a long time, he was asking me if i'd friends to intro to him a while back. so anw, we had a short convo just now. makes me miss my childhood.

thank goodness i still hv childhood-ies close to me in my life :) holla Besties! :D

anw.

so i went to his blog and his gf's, even though i dont know her - yet. see, i have a plan. a plan to reconnect w all my cousins! we all used to be super close lah. so anw seeing as my cousins are brothers she alr knows Kelvin so yeah i suppose in time we'll be introduced. i hope we will. i like that idea. and she looks nice. went to her blog and saw that she likes alot of Taiwanese idols, plan to ask if she likes LeeHom too! :D yay leehom wait for me :D

so. it's dec 30, and the year's gonna be over shortly.

cant say im exactly sad to see it go though. it's been one of those years. sigh, i dont even have words to describe it.

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my cousins are like the only part of my family that i kinda like. and i wanna be closer to them again. i just realised all my cousins have really nice names. like me! hahahha.

at Kelv's blog now. god, he is so LI. i am actually jealous. when did he morph into this LI machine? i so missed out on our growing up years. i mean, i've always known he was super smart, top-his-every-class kind, but jeez. yeah i know, i was always worried abt being compared to him. (but hey, i dare say that in terms of intellect, i can hold my own against most.) im so over that now, i dont give a $#^& anymore abt what others think, i just wanna be happy again. yep.

god, i really miss them. they were the closest to siblings i'd ever and will every have. getting teary eyed now. god knows i want brothers more than anything. stupid family feud over dumb stuff. why did we let it affect us kids? if i could do it over.....

im really jealous of all the friends close to my cousins. if they only knew i'd die to be in their place. i dont ever tell anyone this, and i dont think anyone cares enough to pick up on this except maybe a choice few, but im a lonely kid. lonely as hell. i hv awesome friends, awesome beyond words, but beyond that i really dont have anyone else. and i cant tell you how much that sucked. how did it become this way? HOW??? sigh. yeah, lonely. let me try to put it across to you in a way you'd understand. i mean, friends have no obligation to be nice to you, to care about you. they could walk away and not have to explain themselves, ever. but family. family is different. you'll always be connected in some unbreakable way. you can never really cut your ties, even if you wanted it more than i want LeeHom. yeah family. it's a new idea to me, i never thought of myself as having............never mind. it's much too melodramatic.

okay maybe im overreacting. i guess family can walk away too.i know they can definitely turn away in times of need. i....dont know anything. im too young and stupid to know anything about this world. yet im too old and jaded to care. god, im bitter.

i dont know what to say. i never know what i want anymore. beyond instant gratification, it's like i dont even....ah hell im speechless.

there's still some things inside me, i wish others could see. most of who i used to be is lost, but stick around long enough and i just may surprise you. it's alright, the old Grace didnt seem to appeal to a lot of ppl anyways. i've still got some spunk left in me, but for how long only the people above know. talk to me before i disappear completely.

omg the last paragraph was so like, i dont know. emo, almost. i am so bad at expressing myself, i shd talk to Oprah. or a psychologist. cant spell the other one, too apathetic to check it out.

okay, enough talk for now. i just added a guy i knew when i was a kid on fb. crazy reckless thing to do. i guess i just dont care abt anth anymore. he'll probably think im a crazy stalker. but really, i just rmb his name and added it. anw, omg, ITS MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. omg i cant believe i only noticed it now. ah hell. what am i gonna do? okay. got it.

i really have to go to bed now, plan to be up in a coupla hours to do work. right. i hope tmr blazes by quickly so i may like, settle back into my numb self and let the days pass quietly. i wish certain people would just leave me alone, im rather happy when not disturbed. erm, duh. okay nvm.

EVE OF NEW YEAR'S EVE. what, ever.

time

i've been gone a long time.

i have lost interest in life. i started sch ytd and hv work due in a coupla hrs but i hv not started. i want to stop everything and like, die.

death is not when you're in too much pain to do anything, like live, but when you've simply stopped.

just stopped.

OH HAHHHAHAHHA GAWD SO EMO, IM NOT, IM JUST WEIRD HAHHAHAHA. i still feel lightheaded and cannot walk in a straight line.

bubble!

ITS FRIDAY, IM IN LOVE.




<33333333333333

school....

i'm so tired.
i could fall asleep right now.
but to sleep would be to die.

and i hv died enough so no sleep. omg. my eyes can barely stay open. and it's barely midnight! see, i cannot do two consecutive sleepless nights. shit. how to survive until friday?

bad day bad day.

i love meifeng for listening. i wouldnt hv made it through class w/o her lor. thanks, friend.

I MUST STRIVE FOR THE VERY BEST.

now to convince myself of that.

oh gawd, im so, so tired.

so much work to do, i cannot let all these people down. okay. okay. WORK. CAFFEINE. DRUGS. snore. i wish.

BAD, NOT GOOD, BAD.

wow, just three more days after today and it'll be the end of this term, and there's a huge amt of work left. thank you, slavedrivers.

im trying to find sad emo songs because i feel like listening to sad emo songs, and all i can find are stupid happy songs. like wtf. happy songs are so like, adolescent. did i spell tht right? whatever.

happy songs are so 2007.

it's 2009, and 2010 will be here really, really soon, and this year has sucked real bad thus far. sucked. suck. sucky. argh whatever.

sad emo songs, hello?? gawd, leehom is so effing perfect, how does he do that? damn it it's not fair i just want to jump off a bridge.

okay i need to like, take a bath.

this is not making sense but WHATEVER.

speechless

im sick so i stayed home, and my "mother" just told me, "tmr if you wake up late again then you know." , implying tht i stayed home today not because i was sick but tht i overslept and thus pretended to be sick to stay home. What kind of a mother is she?

In my defense, i fairly screamed at her tht i woke up okay, walao. And now my throat hurts again when it was recovering just now. The bitch. Like i took all those pills cos i was pretending. Like you can pretend to blow your nose. Like you can produce mucus on purpose. Gross.

I look down on her. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

The nxt time im sick im totally gonna storm into her room and slam open the door and say tht "look, im awake but im sick and gonna stay home and contrary to wht you think im not oversleeping and thus pretending". Tht sounds weak, but against this kind of person tht's the best i can do. She thinks she's the only one who can be sick and stay home from work. She thinks im pretending when im sick. i hate her so much i dont even hv words.

you know things are bad when the only thing tht calms you down is putting a bullet through her head.

Yes, if i ever kill her one can come here to my blog and see my confession. Excepr that i wldnt want to ruin my life over her, that vile, revolting person. She's not worth the rest of my life. Thus i'll not kill her, so if she's murdered one day, it wont be by me, cos she makes ppl hate her really easily. Ask around, im sure you'll find many. She's just detestable.

I dont understand why i need to put up w her. Why cant someone else deal w her? I didnt choose this family. we give new meaning to dysfunctional. I want to escape so bad, but killing myself for her is SO not worth it. Thus i hv the fantasies of killing her. But i dont even want to touch her, she repulses me tht much.

I mean, i understand why she thinks im pretending. Cos im awake at this time doing my work. and i used to pretend back in sec sch. But she doesnt know tht i was so tired today and hv slept half the day away in the morn and in sec sch i nvr took responsibility for anth. Now in poly i fully do, and unlike her i actually vare abt my work. Its not like i can refrain from having a fever and sleeping. And yes, i do hv a mild fever, i took my temperature. Tht cow. Of cos if i slept half the day away i need to do work now, esp since i slept again at 9pm. And yes, i told her i was gg to sch tmr, which makes her increase her certainty tht im pretending. But she doesnt know tht i HAVE to go, does she? I need to consult wilson abt evening wear so i can start inking and colouring for monday's submission. I alr missed today, if i miss tmr too i wont be able to hand in. Also, i need to go collect swatched fr wilson. And there's presentation for commdi on monday, i need to discuss w my grp, i alr ps-ed them today. But no, i didnt tell her all these, cos she doesnt bother to ak, so i dont bother to tell her, either. Dealing w her is so much less painful when there is no talking. Yes, i hv issues, bt its all thanks to her.

I feel like crap. Worse than. My body feels hot and breathing is weird. i want nothing more than to sleep, again, and to stay home frm sch tmr again, w an mc this time, but i cant. I really need to go to sch. And to do tht i need to finish colouring my career wear for submission tmr.

Do you know tht part of the reason i didnt go get mc today is tht i dont trsut doctors, and also i wanted to help her save money? I dont see the pt of gg to a doctor who will tell you you're sick when you alr know you are, and give you meds for it when you alr hv panadol flumax at home. But no, i fully intend to spend this money nxt time, cos she's not worth my concern.



*for those who dont alr know, yes, i hate my mother, and i admit it. But before you give me a disgusted look and judge me for tht, ask yourself if you know abt me and my life. Im pretty sure you dont, so dont go telling me tht i shd give her a chance and talk to her. You're not the one who lives w her, i think i know her better than you do. Just because you lucky bitches hv a gd relationship w ur mums does nt mean everyone else does. Trust me, no one else wishes to nt hv this type of r'ship than i do.

i fell sick. Predictably.

I feel like crap.

I stayed home today cos i woke up feeling like someone sandpapered my throat overnight and i couldnt stop blowing my nose for all i was worth.

And like im not even seriously sick until like previous times but i still feel like shit.

it hurts to swallow and i cant stop sneezing! Which sucks. And everytime i sneeze it hurts my throat even more. Talk abt a vicious cycle.

I've downed like 3cups of honey and lots of flu meds, bt it hasnt seemed to work.

And no i didnt go see a doctor cos i dont like them. It just makes u feel more sick. And poor. And the meds make u drowsy. And then i wld sleep instd of doing my work lah. Which wont do. Im currently doing production drawings. and im so scared tht everytime i sneeze i'll draw the line way out. So i stop like every five secs to blow my nose. Disgusting.

DECEMBERRRRR

IT IS DECEMBER OMG ITS THE LAST MONTH OF THE YEAR AND 2009 IS ENDING OMGGGGGGG.

i am in the sch library again and i've just finished my CommDI essay editing and im supposed to be doing peer review so im like waiting for taufiq to send them to me.

oh he just did, no more reason for me to slack :(
sigh.

first, i shall write down my TO DO list so i wont get sidetracked.

TO DO:
1. peer review
2. response to peer review
3. critical reading list
4. references in APA format
5. career wear sketches
6. background info on selected VIP
7. evening wear ideas

TMR (WED):
1. consultation w wilson
2. inking of career wear sketches
3. colouring of career wear sketches
4. production drawing of career wear
5. evening wear sketches (6pcs)
6. printing and binding of commDI AND THEN HAND IN! yay.
7. find background for career wear

ARGH. does it sound like v little? it takes me a helluva long time. ESP colouring and production drawing!!!! copic markers are SO hard to control, geewhiz.

THURS:
1. consult wilson on evening wear
2. also on final for career wear (coloured,production drawing & bkgrnd)
3. ink and colour evening wear
4. production drawing of evening wear
5. find background for evening wear
6. IF POSSIBLE, CONSULT WILSON ON EVENING WEAR COLOURED FINAL TOO

FRIDAY:
1. print everything!
2. HAND IN BY NOON.

whew im like one day behind schedeule :(( who ask me go sleep last night, damn you lah grace. sleep what sleep, want die is it.

this is only everything i can predict thus far today, in 20min bina will give us nxt project. ok gtg CLASS TIME.