*warning: incredibly revolting post laced with bad emotions. do not read. do not take seriously, if you do read.
i really dont know what im doing with my life, so i's not like she's not right to ask. but they dont understand that no matter how many times they ask, i still dont have the answers.
"i ask you what you want, and you tell me you dont know."
yes indeed, people. i honestly dont know. if i did know i'd be doing it already. would you rather i told you a lie? dont ask questions you dont want the answers to, so ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
i know, though, that im nearly, very nearly, a full-fledged adult and i gotta start asking myself the hard questions. but...just let me be a while...im not even sure i want to continue.
im so adrift and fucking pointless, and im not sure i give a damn.
seriously. i dont see the point. why go through it all? what is the desired end result? a nice picket fence, maybe a big spacious apartment, money and happiness? then what? then what?? maybe you find new goals then. like being a soccer mom or volunteering at the animal shelter.
mostly i just want to curl up and sleep. i have no energy to do shit. cant find any motivation to even get my shit in order. and yeah it's a fucked up vicious cycle but...yeah basically i suck, and im well aware.
the one thing i know with absolute certainty is my need to get away. my desire to escape (pardon the irony that i already have, into my own mind) is greater than any other i have or may have had, since i cannot even remember a single shit goal i have. my memory is atrocious. do i have a serious condition? yes. am i using this as an excuse? probably. i still dont fucking care.
maybe it's a mid life crisis come early. maybe it's typical teen attitude come late. maybe i'll be a bum all my life...however long that might be.
it's a sad existence when the one thing that remains sharp and clear is the hate you harbor inside, keeping it alive like a warm fire in your very being as the one thing that reminds you that you are alive. hate is the only emotion that stays constant. everything else is transient and hazy, like a long forgotten memory you have not visited in a while. and that hate leads to self loathing and fear and hysterics and all else that is bad in this world - but you cannot let go of it because for so long it has been a part of you, and you cannot forgive, no matter how much you forget. you have never learned to forgive, it is simply not in your nature. and then you are aware of just what a malicious and ugly nature you possess, and the hate simmers as it always does. yet it is the only real thing tying you down, keeping you leashed to reality, or the semblance of it that you keep yourself in. sometimes you think this drugged foggy state you stay in is the only way to not want to break and stab everything; to not explode or simultaneously combust. it is a coping mechanism, and you are detached and dead inside. or you wish you were dead inside, because then you wouldnt
feel and hurt and hate so much.
hating is very exhausting. it takes all the fight out of you. it requires constant energy to keep alive, so maybe that's why i never have any. all my reserves are being used to keep this malignant parasite alive. more than anything, i wish to get rid of all this loathing. and the easiest way i know is to stay away from the thing that evokes the most hate. ah, but it's not quite that simple. that would require moving out and being self-sufficient and everything, which is quite impossible when you have no marketable skills and money. cue self loathing. what a pathetic mewling quim i am. it would also require leaving the country so there would be no excuse to see this being, my mother, who most recently just now also admitted her hate for me. ahhh, so is my behaviour self righteous? dont know, dont care. just want to get the fuck away from her. so very tiring, this vicious cycle of hurting each other to see who reacts more violently. usually i cant get up enough energy to respond because that just encourages her, but on the rare occasions she gets me worked up i am the (more) violent person in this fucked up family. i throw things, and i keep revisiting thoughts of a knife. see, it's confessions like these that will get me locked up either in jail or in an asylum. so to be safe (haha, safe.) i usually stick to blank looks, mild smiles and mocking laughter. not that she appreciates them. sarcasm is very much lost on her, im afraid. such a pity.
but i was saying how lost i felt. yes...lost.
what gives people the
drive to carry on in their daily activities? what exactly are they working towards? yeah you put in like what, 15 to 20 yrs of education so you can get a good job? so you can get approval? from society? your family? friends? yourself? is it so terrible living day to day, not knowing what the fuck you're doing? ugh. yeah im a lazy piece of shit, and i have no goals, and i just want to die. there, i said it. i just want to jump off a very tall building and fly. because i've always wanted to fly, like most of the world.
i considered other options. like a large vehicle at high speed crashing into me. but im lazy, and everything unnecessary was always so hard for me, and the unnecessary pain here just seems so pointless. like, you want to die? then die already, why waste time hovering in between? also you ruin the vehicle, and possibly cause a traffic accident and injuries. such asshole behaviour. drowning always seemed the worst, because of the panic and fear just before death. plus it's so ironic that the water that gives life can just as easily take it away. it's almost too poetic and beautiful for a ugly soul like me. btw please do yourself a favor and listen to "What the water gave me" by Florence + the machine. so gorgeous, the song.
an easy way would be to take many many pills and just sleep and never wake up. you can understand that this appeals to me, sloth that i am. plus i love my pillow. okay unrelated. but what if you fail? what if they pump your stomach and you just continue to live, knowing you have failed in yet another aspect? the gas thing also works. yknow, if i wasnt worried about causing an explosion. so yeah, i really prefer the flying thing. except i worry about the mess, and the people who have to clean it up. rather, clean
me up, and the trauma i might inflict on any witnesses. like, you're fucked, okay whatever but dont go fucking up someone else. all that blood and insides all over the pavement can really ruin someone's day. what is this, im a considerate suicidal person? lol the irony.
not leaving behind very much. no real attachments since i suck and lost myself and pushed them all away. to be perfectly honest, i have secretly known this end to be very possible and come to terms with it for more than two years, so it's not like i would need time to work up some guts. hahaha they'd end up splattered everywhere anyway.
okay i've tortured you long enough. now enjoy the pretty gifs i started collecting last week. have a good laugh at my expense, go ahead. and watch the shows the gifs are from.
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| life? but it's haaaaaard :( |
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| this makes me laugh even though im so very sad |
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| ha, ha ha. |
we are sex bob-ombs and we are here to make you feel sad and stuff! aw. great movie.
