Initiate this

the story of "ice cream boy and korean girl" (as quoted by Meifeng) has come to a quick and abrupt end. life is strange that way. you go on in life just living, or in my case just functioning, and just when you think you know how everyday is gonna pen out, life throws you a curveball.

not that this curveball was an unwelcome one.

i dont know, im still not sure as to how i feel about it.
but i do know that i wish it werent true and i could just go back and he would still be there, even though that would've meant he lied.
but like i said, i dont know whether i would prefer his lying or his being honest and thus gone forevermore.

i have to stop talking about this now, let's talk about simpler affairs.

it's my last off day until school starts next monday. i have no idea how to spend it. i thought i might be sleeping in but i awakened almost 2hrs ago and couldnt get back to sleep so hey, i guess it's a first.

i had quite a few ideas about how i'd spend today:
- get my hair done at aunt's place
- get my eyebrows done
- watch a movie w friends (either Date Night or How To Train...etc)
- watch the movies i bought on monday at home, alone
- go to novena and spend the whole day hanging around, watching that place

since the last option is no longer an option (okay, it is, but i wont be seeing anything but everything im not looking for), obviously that's the thing i most want to do. even though i desperately need a haircut and eyebrow-job. because want and need are two very different things.

What i NEED is to rid myself of my split ends and hopefully revive my tresses. What i NEED is to shape my eyebrows into something less like an untamed mass of facial hair growing unchecked across my forehead. What i NEED to spend my last free day off from work for myself, doing something for myself and only myself.
But what i want is to look for him, and find him and...never lose sight of him again? i dont know. See, the thing about WANTS is that they always change. Needs dont change, they simply increase. But wanting is a whole different ball game.

This is when my friends would say, Come on Grace, so what? So what if you see him again? What are you going to say/do?
"I dont know you but i want to, and i hope we can be friends?"
That's completely true, by the way.
(although i really really wished i had the nerve to, last night, i did decide against asking his name and reason for leaving yesterday. i cant explain why i did that, but at the last minute something just held me back, told me not to.)

I dont even know his name. You would think that's the most basic thing to cover, but not when you've got two strangers around, you dont. when there're two strangers around what you think is that they must think you a complete nutcase and hopeless loser for trying to chat up the guy behind the ice cream counter.

Yes, im a coward.
Better you know that now then...when you expect me to take a bullet for you or whatever. Hah.
I probabaly would, though, take that bullet, because im crazy and impulsive and completely unpredictable. i suppose those traits are what i would chalk last night's encounter up to.

I know chatting up someone isnt even all that uncommon, but it is for me, okay? In fact im pretty sure it was my first time. And now, probably my last! Hahaha, the way life works.

I tried the usual pep talk, all the usual motivational quotes like, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?? IF YOU DONT DO THIS NOW YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE! IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE! DO IT OR YOU'LL ALWAYS ASK, WHAT IF...
and my personal favourite, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, DAMN IT! EVEN IF HE FLAT OUT SAYS YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND CREEPY AND TELLS YOU TO GET LOST, AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE TRIED AND BEST THING OF ALL, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN OR HAVE TO WONDER WHAT IF.

that's the beauty of it, is it not? that either way, i'll never see him again.
of course, now that im analyzing this to bits i realize it would have been the best to just go the whole way and ask everything i wanted to know. because i'll never see him again anyway. but i didnt. because i thought, what's the point, i'll never see him again. and yes, now im stuck wondering.

it's not like i would have demanded much, just to be friends, hurhur im revolting, thinking so much about a person i hardly would call an acquaintance. all i did was see him for more than two weeks almost every time i worked. and all he did was look so cute i could melt from that squinty cute gaze.

i have to leave this place. ugh.