there's gotta be more

now listening to: (There's gotta be) More to life

so sick and tired of living. please. maybe my waves of head ache is like, some brain aneurism or something. i love that aneurism can be spelled aneurysm.

today i realised something i never wanted to admit before. yes, im ready. to admit it, i mean. i cant be around happy people! they make me feel queer. and not even in the gay way. im a long way from being gay myself, hurhur. dont get all offended, i meant im not happy. blah, big yawn on the snore hill. what else is new, right. yeah yeah i know. whatever, im not happy. it dont mean im SAD or anything. like why the hell we gotta BE anything? cant we just, be?

so yeah. i cant be around happy people.

makes me want to do some very inappropriate and violent things.

maybe scream "you cant be happy forever!" or "YOU'LL BREAK UP, JUST YOU WAIT."

oh my god im fucking bitter.

now that i have internet that can actually connect to Kinn (my mac) i surf the net alot. previously my othr internet cld only connect to my baby HP mini which quite frankly, sucked. anw, i go on FB a lot more than i shd and profile-hop. and i see some ppl with their long term significant others and im like FUCK YOU BITCHES, DIEEEEEEE!

okay before you say anything, i dont think im actually a bitter old woman. it's not like i had any life changing bad experiences or anything. so why the hell these (dare i say it?) contrary comments?
in fact, ask any of my friends, they'll tell ya im a die-hard romantic. disgustingly hopelessly romantic. i constantly have to be reminded this is reality and not a movie. albeit the last time i was ever reminded of that it was maybe two years ago but...whatever.

i just think it's so incredibly...unfair.

oh hell another wave of pain. thanks, fucked up head. maybe it's rheumatism or something.

oh wow it's past 3am? how did that happen? last i checked it was 1am. jeez.

unfair. yes. okay.

perhaps i dont know everything about this person, but why do some people have it so darn easy? EASY. i dont know him/her to have had any difficult times, and the first person this guy/girl likes, and lemme just say this guy/girl aint necessarily the best looker around, but his/her crush chalks pretty high marks in the looks department. the crush actually likes this guy/girl back and they fucking confess to each other so lo' and behold, they get together and FUCKING STAY TOGETHER FOR F- YEARS.

i gotta stop fucking around.

they're fucking gonna get married. MARRIED. fucking hell. oh to hell w not fucking around, i'll stop when im less fucked up.

their life is a FUCKING FAIRYTALE. and I DONT FUCKING BELIEVE IN FAIRYTALES.

anyway my point is why is it so damned easy for them? i dont mean it's easy to love, because hell yeah, it is. but finding one you love who loves you back and....oh gawd i dont even wanna talk abt it anymore. what is the fucking point, i dont even know what im trying to say. my head is killing me. actually i hope it does. come on, brain aneurysm.

i changed my mind. hah. just a few more paragraphs abt them.

how come some people have to go through so many trials and overcome so many obstacles before they can finally be happy? how come some people never end up happy (trust me, i know someone whose life is pathetic and i dont mean me, which is saying something) no matter how long they wait or how hard they try? and how come some people get it right the first time at say, age 14? and it lasts til the great-grandchildren come along.

it just doesnt seem fair. why cant we all have to go through the same ordeals? what's the secret? karma? good deeds in your previous life? charity work? i mean if your family sucks shit and you have like, AIDS or smth and your lovelife is awesome it's like, oh yay balance. but it just dont seem fair to have everything be fucking awesome or everything to suck shit. im just saying where's the justice? what will the suck shit life people live for?
dont tell me faith or hope or the belief that one day my fucking prince will come or something like that. i mean the tangible stuff. dont you gotta give em something REAL to keep them going? like the lottery, maybe. or a kick ass career. talent. a trust fund.

not to be contrary, but ok i get that the best stuff is intangible. love, family, support, all that jazz. but they aint GOT the intangible stuff, these suck shit life people, so at least give em something...tangible. no?

my head. all day. wont stop.