*WARNING: what follows is a very long, wordy sentimental post about my family, some friends, and some unresolved deep-seated issues. Do not read if impatient. Actually, do not read at all. I may have written this, but even i wouldnt read this if i saw this on a friend's blog. Like seriously? Get over yourself. LOL. Yeah that's what you would think if you read this, so take my advice and just, dont. Save yourself the trouble. BYE.
Given that i barely know my grandparents. Or rather, knew. My maternal grandfather died when my mum was a kid, and i was never close w my maternal grandma. God, if anything, i was the stereotype of grandkid from hell. Okay, i wasnt actually that bad, but i was rebellious and didnt understand her, so i just got angry at her instead. I was never actually mean to her, and i really appreciated her for her cooking, i just couldnt stand being alone w her.
She would sit on the sofa opposite me and stare at me. Just stare. I would be watching tv or whatever, but she would just stare at me the entire afternoon. I am not kidding. Like if i were to walk to the kitchen to get a drink, her eyes would follow me as i walk and everything. It was nothing short of creepy. And she did that every, single, time. Eventually i got frustrated and once, i stared back. I cant rmb what happened next, but it was unnerving. Luckily, she stayed w me and my mum for only a short while, or i may have exploded. I was an angry child. She passed away about two years ago.
My paternal grandfather died from diabetes when i was really young, and even when i was three i could only remember him in a wheelchair. I was just an ignorant kid, and he kinda scared me because he had only one leg. Diabetes. And then he died. I never knew my paternal side of the family much, given that i've seen them maybe five times my entire life? After my parents' divorce when i was three, i didnt see my dad's side of the family until when i was 16.
Under pressure from my dad, i promised to sneak away during CNY to meet him to go visit my paternal family. It was the most surreal experience i've had to date. It was like, im supposed to know these people, they're FAMILY, but i didnt. i didnt know them. i was family, but i wasnt a part of their lives. i was and wasnt. I called my paternal grandmother for the first time that year since i was 3.
Now my paternal grandmother is my only living grandparent, and we're not close. Unfortunately, due to my dysfunctional family, chances are we will never be. Can you imagine how it feels, though? To have a grand-daughter you havent seen since she was a toddler just reappear one year, all grown up, sixteen years old and you knew as much about her as a stranger on the street?
I dont fit in that side of my family. I dont know the cousins, and they mostly ignore me when i show up once a year during CNY. They must think im some money-minded kid, only showing up to get the red packets. and then disappearing like i never existed the rest of the year, only to reappear the next year again. The adults tolerate me, and the nicer ones attempt to talk to me, saying polite things like how often my dad mentions me. Sigh. At least the adults may guess that it aint my choice to be there only once a year.
Even now, my mum is adamant about me not seeing my dad's side of the family. she point-blank said no when i asked to go that year. it was always a no. i have asked a few times over the years, but it was no, always. her reason? she doesnt want me to see them for fear they will bewitch me, maybe force-feed me some poison about her or cast some black magic spell over me. I kid you not. I swear those were the reasons she gave me. well i assure you the only poison they fed me was the other side of the story, and the nagging feeling of having no true family.
I dont understand why she doesnt want me seeing them if she has nothing to hide, come to think of it. Anyhow, since 2008, i've always snuck away on the first day of CNY to visit my dad's side. I always pretend im gg to a friend's place. I have no ide if she's caught on yet, but i dont care anymore. A divorce is a divorce, but that shouldnt mean that i have to cut off ties w my dad's side entirely. Now, she has nothing against me meeting my dad, it's just the family she is against. But i cant imagine how it feels to have a kid and seeing her so little times a year, to barely even know her. And if what my uncles say is true, that he talks about me, well, how would he know? God, this sucks. I doubt he even has any pictures of me in the past ten years. Is it even possible for me to have a closer relationship w my dad? Or is it, like the way it is w my mum, beyond salvage?
Im not sure it would have been any better even if the court had granted my dad custody. See how much i detest my mum. I honestly dont want this, you know, to dislike my mother and to dislike my family. Friends often ask me, "Why do you hate your mother so much?" and it's never a question i can answer. It's one of those things you have to experience firsthand. There will always be people who dont understand, who will say i shd be grateful to her for raising me, to feeding me. Even now i cannot find the words to tell you why exactly my life w her sucks, or why i cannot stand her. But i guess i am resigned to a life of being misunderstood. Of being thought of as the ungrateful brat.
I guess she has hurt me, way too many times and too deeply for me to bounce back from. If i were to be completely honest, i do blame her (i mean, my parents). I blame her (okay, them) that i have only half a family. And even with my half a family, i have never been as close to them as i could have been. I blame her for that, too. Throughout my life, my mum has been bitching about me to my aunt (her sister) whenever we had a dispute. She would say, in loud tones that carry so i would hear and feel ashamed that the entire world knows, about my most recent unsatisfactory behavior. So the next time i saw my aunt, i would always wonder, is she judging me for my actions right now? is she sneering at me in her head right now? Thus i could never be myself in front of me, not after i was about 12 and cottoned on to the fact that my mum tells her everything, and not fairly, too. I mean my mother exaggerates a lot, and sometimes what she says or implies is downright cruel, and hurt me more than you can ever imagine, but i cant tell her that, can i? For one, she doesnt seem to realize other people, more specifically I, have feelings. And she doesnt seem to care about my supposed feelings either.
Anyhoo, other than my aunt, i have never been very close to the rest of the family, either. My cousins near my age are all guys, and we dont click. My other cousins are about thirty, thirty-ish, married and yeah we dont have much in common. I used to be insanely close to my male cousins, Kelvin, Kenneth and QiWen but.... well to put it simply, when i was about 10 there was a family argument that involved my grandma and the family was divided into two parts for several years. Unfortunately Uncle Raymond (father of Kelvin & Kenneth) and Uncle Simon (father of qiwen) was on the opposite side of that family argument, so i didnt get to see the cousins for a while. A while turned out to be the most crucial years of my childhood - the years when a kid becomes a teen, the growing years, the years one changes the most - so when the whole family thing was resolved, we'd all become teenagers, madly awkward around each other because we didnt know how to react around someone we should know yet didnt. Sadly, the resolve only came about because of my grandma's death, when the siblings (my aunts and uncles) finally realized how pointless and stupid their disagreement was now that their mum was gone. I was 16 then, my cousins were 14, 15, 17, 20 and 21. we'd all grown up. we could never turn back time again. the years in which we were supposed to grow up together and bond would never happen; would never be. we'd gone from playing happily tgt as kids to teenagers who didnt know shit about each other, and we didnt know what to do about it.
Oh there were attempts, certainly, between some of us, to fix things. Daniel (then 17) and i had talked quite a bit, given that we were both graduating sec sch that yr and abt to enter poly. I seriously thought we were gonna bond and like, become real family. But we ended up entering different polys, and because my phone got freaking run over by a bus, i lost his number. we still hardly talk now, both leading different lives. he seems to not really care whether or not we have a good relationship, and all the times i talk to him on facebook he agreed when i said we shd meet up and catch up, but these sessions never happened. Sure, it's both our faults that they never happened. But im so freaking ADRIFT that im surprised i can even get my shit tgt long enough to maintain current friendships, so dont even mention new ones. i dont know if i have the energy to forge new relationships, given my knack at ending them. Look at (dare i say it? because if i do, it makes it real.) Betty and Qian Hui.
Both used to be my best friends. My bestest, bestest friends in the entire world, and now we dont even keep in touch. It's a loss so fucking huge that i cringe every time i think about how close we used to be. I honestly think they were the 2 ppl who got how difficult my r'ship w my mum was. After all, Betty was the one i called in tears, so upset i couldnt even speak. She was the one i opened up to during my darkest hours (pardon the drama). and in turn, i was the one she called whenever she and her mum fought. and Qian Hui was the one who once hid under my bed and witnessed firsthand how dysfunctional my r'ship w my mum is. I rmb once, when my mum threw me out, i called her to ask if i could crash at her pad that night, and w/o even asking why, she said yes. That kind of unquestioning support is something i treasure so much now, because i realize it's effing rare and actually impossible. Well impossible now, cause i dont have any friends i could ask of that favor these days. Come to think of it, i dont know how or when, but i've changed so fucking much in the past 3 years that that old Grace seems a stranger. Was there really a time when i told someone everything, every single thing, that happened to me? When i confided everything? Nowadays i dont seem to share anymore. I dont share anything that happens to me. And on the rare occasions i do, it's to the first person i talk to immediately after the incident, and i vent once, then bury the residual emotions and can never speak of it again. I dont share. oh my god. i dont talk to my friends anymore, and they dont talk to me. im fucking strangers with my so-called best friends! can they be called best friends if you no longer know the first thing about them? i used to talk to Yiyin. i dont anymore. Ha, ha, ha. Except for inexplicable bursts of raw emotion at Christmas, these guys dont see much sharing out of me. Yes, Besties, im talking about us. Gawd i hate me. i hate my life. But i fucking digress. i was talking about my family.
Aside from Daniel, Kelvin and i have tried repeatedly over the past two years, to reconcile our friendship. A meet up has been in the works since February, and finally, (Thank God) happened in August. Was it august? or late july? It's a budding relationship. And sadly, i feel like after our first meetup we havent shared much. Years of catching up cannot be done in one session, dear cousin, we need to talk more. Of course, im mad thankful we still meet up. I've been almost obsessive about arranging meetups. Luckily, i think we're almost friends now. I say that because sometimes it still feels like he feels obliged to meet me, which sucks cause i want him to want it. Im sorry im so fucking emotional, but i cant help who i am. We're meeting this Friday. It's a small victory in the big floaty space of my relationships w people. I kinda suck at them. Huh, and i used to think i was a people-person. What a joke.
If you were wondering, yes, i do feel all this family issues descended because of my mother and all the mistakes she has made, unintentionally or otherwise. Which is why, i totally feel like the kids suffer for what the adults did. We, the younger generation, the cousins, shouldnt have to be estranged because our parents are. Or rather, were. You see, the adults might have been able to fix all their problems when they made up in 2008, but us, the kids, could never find a footing in each others' lives. The adults had many more years of history and shared affection than we did, they were siblings, for goodness sake, so of course it was easier for them to kiss and make up. But us, how could we include someone in our lives after not having them in it for so many? We've grown up, we've changed. We dont fucking know each other.
Maybe my cousins dont feel as strongly about this as i do. It's highly likely they dont, because i dont they feel as lost as i do. Daniel has his brother, (insert pause, cause i dont fucking know his English name, that's how pathetic we are, i only know him by his childhood name) Zun Zun. LOL. Brothers. Lucky them. Kelvin and Kenneth are brothers. And although QiWen is an only child like i am, i know from his dad (uncle simon) that they share a pretty close relationship, given from what i heard from Uncle Simon the last time i met him. A close parent and child relationship. Huh. I wonder how that's like. It's like everyone has somebody to confide in, to always be there for them. Even though i heard on the grapevine that Daniel and Ah Zun arent close, i know they'll always have each other no matter what because for God's sake, they're blood brothers! throughout the course of life no matter what the other does, it can never change the fact that they grew up together and know each other as innately as no one ever will know the other. And even though i know firsthand from Kelvin that he and Kenneth arent close, i still am insanely envious. Because Kelvin cares about his brother in a way i know no one else will. I mean, he said he wouldnt mind caring for his parents enough for the both of them should it come to that in the future, and he doesnt blame Kenneth! i mean, he even told his folks to let Kenneth be and do whatever he wants! How awesome is that? Unquestioning support. And FYI, Kelvin is the younger brother. It kills me that he's so sensible. I know i could never be.
Envious. That's what i am. Insanely, madly, intensely envious. I want a brother, too. I want a sibling i know i can count on no matter how badly i screw up. no matter how i choose to lead my life, to have someone support me. Sigh. I hate being an only child. I feel so disgustingly, utterly alone. Maybe that's why i crave love so badly. Love as in The One. yknow, that crap they feed you about true love and how it's supposed to solve all your problems. yeah. im pathetic and desperate enough to buy into it. and im like, the biggest fucking cynic of my friends. What does that say about me? Im bitter enough for eight people and so cynical that i cant take a good natured act for what it is (i always question the motive, thanks Mum, i rmb there's no such thing as a free lunch) and yet i buy the biggest crap there is out there: love. UGH. im sorry, guys. i do actually believe there is someone out there for everyone, and that love does exist, but not for me. because i fully believe that there are just some people who get passed over in the course of life, and im one of those. i mean, it just makes sense that some gotta lose so the others see what they've got, right? not everyone gets a happy ending, otherwise it wouldnt be called a happy ending, just an ending, since everyone would get the same thing. That would explain why i want it so much. They always say you want what you can never have, after all. And the one thing i want more than anything, is to love with my whole being and be loved back. UGH. sorry, i cant help it, i just think it's so fucking disgusting of me. i mean, come on. Seriously? lol.
so you see, that's kinda why i've always wanted a big brother. and a big sister. to take care of me. to watch out for me. and that's why i dont wanna fuck up my friendship w Kelvin. i entertain no illusions that he could be the big brother i never had, cause i get the feeling we're way past that, but maybe he could still be what he's always meant to be: my cousin. my family.
Gawd, this certainly turned out to be a big ball of sentimental. I never meant for it to be so long or...emotional. Sorry, if you read the entire thing and think what a crackpot i am. But i dont regret this post; it seems to be the first real sharing i've had in a long, long time. Even if it is to my computer, an inanimate object. Just goes to show you how sad i am. Like, LOL JEEZ YOU CANT EVEN FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO? OLOLOLOL. oh come on, a little self-deprecating is always amusing.
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