you call that bitching? i think we both know it's not. anyway whatever, i dont want to fight with you, so dont come pick a fight or play the victim by saying you dont hv the energy and dont want to deal with this because why the hell do you think i didnt go last night?
im not saying im the victim, i dont think anyone is here. im just saying that i said what i said because i felt an explanation was necessary for me not going, and i knew you would see it, which is why i posted it in the first place.
do you deny that my words ytd were things i would normally, and always, say? do you think your reaction was normal, and what you always would say? because i dont. and i understand that ppl have moods, but there was still no need for that big a reaction. and i only replied what i did because i felt i shdnt sweep it under the carpet like i always do in life and then explode one day. i dont confront ppl, you shd know that. you would think my saying smth would mean smth. but you didnt, and then you did smth i could NOT stand, you pretended everything was okay and nth had happened. and i hate that, hate that, hate that so much. you should know, because i told you how my mother does it. and i used to do it every single time with everyone in my life because confrontations were just too exhausting and im too wooden to know how to do it anyway. but since i realised that was one of the things i hated so much about my mother, and thus myself, i hv been trying to not do it anymore. if smth is wrong, then it is, and pretending it isnt just wont make it go away. so i only decided to not go when you did not reply.
had you replied, it wouldnt have mattered what you said. even if you called me a fucking bitch who only cares about myself. i probably would hv fought back, but at least it was us being honest to how we felt.
no one wants to fight, least of all me. but you need to know that sometimes, just sometimes, it IS exhausting dealing with you, because you expect everyone to know what to do at the appropriate moment and that you and only you are allowed to have the final say.
i know i sometimes i make you want to punch me,too. but if you dont say anth bout it, it's never gonna change. and just saying "why are you acting so annoying today" does not explain anth.
maybe im making a huge fuss over nothing at all, and i admit that i am a over sensitive person who pays too much attention to small details, but then again so are you, and sometimes its the smallest details that have the biggest impact on ppl. like,things i thought i could overlook turned out to be the things that make me mad over and over again, even months after it's happened. and i know i shd tell you about it, and maybe i have, but i dont rmb, and i think it means to you much less than what it meant to me.
maybe some things dont matter to you, but these same things matter to me. and if what matters to me doesnt mean anth to you, the least you could do is not disrespect it, and thus me. sometimes you insult ppl or things that matter to them without thought, and i dont understand why. im pretty sure i've told you this before, and i know this is a completely different issue from ytd, but it is relevant that you do say things that hurt ppl. maybe unintentionally, but repeatedly.
what i mean is, i feel like you've insulted me by pretending it was okay. am i not big enough an issue to want to resolve? if you were tired and didnt mean any insult, you could have said so. if you thought i was being unnecessarily probing, you could have said so IN A LESS TACTLESS TONE and i would have apologised.
by not saying anth, you implied that i was acting like an immature child that you did not want to degrade yourself by dealing with. you implied that i was acting out, and that replying would have been indulging my childish desires. at least, that's what i feel. and i know you cant be held responsible for the conclusion i drew. but you ARE responsible for inspiring that conclusion.
if i had gone, how was i supposed to act? follow your lead and pretend everything was okay and then try to hv a good time? i didnt want to fight, but i didnt think i would hv been able to do nothing, either. i didnt know how i was supposed to act when i saw you, confront you and make a scene and then ruin the night? i didnt think that was fair to both of us, or misato, after she arrived. or pretend to be happy? again, i didnt think that wld be fair to both of us, because that's what you do to be polite to ppl who dont matter or are insignificant. and you mean more to me that to dismiss like that. i didnt think it wld be fair for me to play nice when i felt anth but. or was i supposed to go over and apologise? i thought about it you know, i really did. but i didnt think i had done anything really wrong or deserved all the blame. the one thing i did do wrong was asking you so many questions when you were in an easily irritated mood. and apologising would hv meant that i was wrong and that it was okay for you to react like that, had you not apologised at all. because if i said i was sorry and you said it was okay and nothing else, i dont think it would be, okay, i mean. i didnt think i could deal with the possibility of that happening, and if it had, i didnt know what i would do. i wld be back in the confront or pretend it was okay situation again.
so i didnt go. i felt it would give me time to think about what i shd do and say. and it might have deflected a fight. and i was honest bout it, i didnt lie and make up an excuse like, i want to watch tv and eat meat. that would hv been disgusting and disrespectful to both you and me.
and now here we are, doing this. i wonder how this will turn out. and i dont know what i expect out of this, because im not angry and i dont want an apology, and actually i dont know what i want, except to not want this to happen again. so you were tired and i was being an irritant, but i had the same feelings before too, and usu i just drop it because escalating it would result in THIS. this being the angry reaction, then the angry defense. then i dont know what comes after that. i learned a long time ago it was easier to live and let live. and yes, i've become an escapist, but whatever, that's my own problem.
so now the ball's in your court, i've said what i probably never would have said or been able to say, and even though i may not hv expressed this best, at least i tried to, and i guess im glad.
where do we go from here?
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