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this is all so dumb, so stupid, the way im going about all this.

i just want to run away from it all, and avoid it for the rest of my life.
i dont know what i mean, i dont know what im running from, but i know i dont want to face it.
i just want to hide like a hermit in my house forever, yet i want to get out and break free of the vice thats got ahold of me.

i dont ever want to go back.
the only joy i seem to get these days is-
never?

i dont know,
im so confused.

whats going on?
why am i feeling this way?
WHAT IS this feeling?
stupid dumb thing.

if only i can get out and DO something...
but what?

i dont think i ever felt more lost.
oh gosh, i need direction, i need goals, i need discipline, i need something to hold me down.
i feel as though im floating away.
seeping thru the spaces between the fingers gripping me.
wait- are they fingers?
or an imaginary hand thats not even there.
im losing my sanity.

u know what i feel like?
like im wandering aimlessly thru empty space, blinded, lost...and im not thinking. im just...void. like there's simply nothing inside me, u know? nothing. i dont even know where im going from here...wherever here is.

what happened to me?
i thought i had plans, goals, achievements, targets!
i had everything mapped out til im 20...didnt i?
now i feel as thou im incapable of responsibility, incapable of doing anything im supposed to.
im through wondering whats happened to me.
the most important questions now is:

what am i going to do?
how am i going to get my sense of direction back?
how can i get my life BACK on track (the track i've so carefully decided upon)?

it sucks to be lost.

funny, the weather seems to be like me nowadays. it cant seem to decide if it wants to be horridly humid, depressingly drizzly, swelteringly sunny or anything.
its just gloomily grey all the time.
how depressing.
then the waterworks just turn themselves on suddenly, and down pours the rain, steadily down, as though it'll never stop.
then it does.
so totally indecisive.

sucks.