i want to do my work, i really do.
i REALLY do. serious.
so why am i not doing it??? fuck you grace you disgusting procrastinator and avid lover of the simpsons. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU.
and go do your work and stop eating. fucking pig.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
thinking, or rearranging prejudices?
Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
one of my favourite poems of all time.
i wish i hated my life. i wish i could summon up an emotion as powerful as hate to prove i am alive.
because who says, really, that the life we are living is truly life? we could all be puppets controlled by a higher power. and by that i mean a parallel universe, or stuck in a limbo between life and non-life. maybe we're all just going through the notions of life without ever really living.
imalive functional. im living functioning.
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe
one of my favourite poems of all time.
i wish i hated my life. i wish i could summon up an emotion as powerful as hate to prove i am alive.
because who says, really, that the life we are living is truly life? we could all be puppets controlled by a higher power. and by that i mean a parallel universe, or stuck in a limbo between life and non-life. maybe we're all just going through the notions of life without ever really living.
im
when?
when have i stopped writing just to vent? yes, when?
when have i stopped communicating with myself? yes, when?
when did i lose interest in my life? yes, when?
when did i stop looking forward to tomorrow with eagerness? yes, when?
when did i let myself go? when did i lose hope? when did i stop believing? when did i start losing? when did i stop being happy? when did i stop loving? when did i start to hate? when did i learn to hate? when did i stop caring? when did i start to fade? when did i stop living?
yes, when?
when it all ends, when it all ended;
when is it ever over?
when have i stopped communicating with myself? yes, when?
when did i lose interest in my life? yes, when?
when did i stop looking forward to tomorrow with eagerness? yes, when?
when did i let myself go? when did i lose hope? when did i stop believing? when did i start losing? when did i stop being happy? when did i stop loving? when did i start to hate? when did i learn to hate? when did i stop caring? when did i start to fade? when did i stop living?
yes, when?
when it all ends, when it all ended;
when is it ever over?
HI KANIKA
you call that bitching? i think we both know it's not. anyway whatever, i dont want to fight with you, so dont come pick a fight or play the victim by saying you dont hv the energy and dont want to deal with this because why the hell do you think i didnt go last night?
im not saying im the victim, i dont think anyone is here. im just saying that i said what i said because i felt an explanation was necessary for me not going, and i knew you would see it, which is why i posted it in the first place.
do you deny that my words ytd were things i would normally, and always, say? do you think your reaction was normal, and what you always would say? because i dont. and i understand that ppl have moods, but there was still no need for that big a reaction. and i only replied what i did because i felt i shdnt sweep it under the carpet like i always do in life and then explode one day. i dont confront ppl, you shd know that. you would think my saying smth would mean smth. but you didnt, and then you did smth i could NOT stand, you pretended everything was okay and nth had happened. and i hate that, hate that, hate that so much. you should know, because i told you how my mother does it. and i used to do it every single time with everyone in my life because confrontations were just too exhausting and im too wooden to know how to do it anyway. but since i realised that was one of the things i hated so much about my mother, and thus myself, i hv been trying to not do it anymore. if smth is wrong, then it is, and pretending it isnt just wont make it go away. so i only decided to not go when you did not reply.
had you replied, it wouldnt have mattered what you said. even if you called me a fucking bitch who only cares about myself. i probably would hv fought back, but at least it was us being honest to how we felt.
no one wants to fight, least of all me. but you need to know that sometimes, just sometimes, it IS exhausting dealing with you, because you expect everyone to know what to do at the appropriate moment and that you and only you are allowed to have the final say.
i know i sometimes i make you want to punch me,too. but if you dont say anth bout it, it's never gonna change. and just saying "why are you acting so annoying today" does not explain anth.
maybe im making a huge fuss over nothing at all, and i admit that i am a over sensitive person who pays too much attention to small details, but then again so are you, and sometimes its the smallest details that have the biggest impact on ppl. like,things i thought i could overlook turned out to be the things that make me mad over and over again, even months after it's happened. and i know i shd tell you about it, and maybe i have, but i dont rmb, and i think it means to you much less than what it meant to me.
maybe some things dont matter to you, but these same things matter to me. and if what matters to me doesnt mean anth to you, the least you could do is not disrespect it, and thus me. sometimes you insult ppl or things that matter to them without thought, and i dont understand why. im pretty sure i've told you this before, and i know this is a completely different issue from ytd, but it is relevant that you do say things that hurt ppl. maybe unintentionally, but repeatedly.
what i mean is, i feel like you've insulted me by pretending it was okay. am i not big enough an issue to want to resolve? if you were tired and didnt mean any insult, you could have said so. if you thought i was being unnecessarily probing, you could have said so IN A LESS TACTLESS TONE and i would have apologised.
by not saying anth, you implied that i was acting like an immature child that you did not want to degrade yourself by dealing with. you implied that i was acting out, and that replying would have been indulging my childish desires. at least, that's what i feel. and i know you cant be held responsible for the conclusion i drew. but you ARE responsible for inspiring that conclusion.
if i had gone, how was i supposed to act? follow your lead and pretend everything was okay and then try to hv a good time? i didnt want to fight, but i didnt think i would hv been able to do nothing, either. i didnt know how i was supposed to act when i saw you, confront you and make a scene and then ruin the night? i didnt think that was fair to both of us, or misato, after she arrived. or pretend to be happy? again, i didnt think that wld be fair to both of us, because that's what you do to be polite to ppl who dont matter or are insignificant. and you mean more to me that to dismiss like that. i didnt think it wld be fair for me to play nice when i felt anth but. or was i supposed to go over and apologise? i thought about it you know, i really did. but i didnt think i had done anything really wrong or deserved all the blame. the one thing i did do wrong was asking you so many questions when you were in an easily irritated mood. and apologising would hv meant that i was wrong and that it was okay for you to react like that, had you not apologised at all. because if i said i was sorry and you said it was okay and nothing else, i dont think it would be, okay, i mean. i didnt think i could deal with the possibility of that happening, and if it had, i didnt know what i would do. i wld be back in the confront or pretend it was okay situation again.
so i didnt go. i felt it would give me time to think about what i shd do and say. and it might have deflected a fight. and i was honest bout it, i didnt lie and make up an excuse like, i want to watch tv and eat meat. that would hv been disgusting and disrespectful to both you and me.
and now here we are, doing this. i wonder how this will turn out. and i dont know what i expect out of this, because im not angry and i dont want an apology, and actually i dont know what i want, except to not want this to happen again. so you were tired and i was being an irritant, but i had the same feelings before too, and usu i just drop it because escalating it would result in THIS. this being the angry reaction, then the angry defense. then i dont know what comes after that. i learned a long time ago it was easier to live and let live. and yes, i've become an escapist, but whatever, that's my own problem.
so now the ball's in your court, i've said what i probably never would have said or been able to say, and even though i may not hv expressed this best, at least i tried to, and i guess im glad.
where do we go from here?
im not saying im the victim, i dont think anyone is here. im just saying that i said what i said because i felt an explanation was necessary for me not going, and i knew you would see it, which is why i posted it in the first place.
do you deny that my words ytd were things i would normally, and always, say? do you think your reaction was normal, and what you always would say? because i dont. and i understand that ppl have moods, but there was still no need for that big a reaction. and i only replied what i did because i felt i shdnt sweep it under the carpet like i always do in life and then explode one day. i dont confront ppl, you shd know that. you would think my saying smth would mean smth. but you didnt, and then you did smth i could NOT stand, you pretended everything was okay and nth had happened. and i hate that, hate that, hate that so much. you should know, because i told you how my mother does it. and i used to do it every single time with everyone in my life because confrontations were just too exhausting and im too wooden to know how to do it anyway. but since i realised that was one of the things i hated so much about my mother, and thus myself, i hv been trying to not do it anymore. if smth is wrong, then it is, and pretending it isnt just wont make it go away. so i only decided to not go when you did not reply.
had you replied, it wouldnt have mattered what you said. even if you called me a fucking bitch who only cares about myself. i probably would hv fought back, but at least it was us being honest to how we felt.
no one wants to fight, least of all me. but you need to know that sometimes, just sometimes, it IS exhausting dealing with you, because you expect everyone to know what to do at the appropriate moment and that you and only you are allowed to have the final say.
i know i sometimes i make you want to punch me,too. but if you dont say anth bout it, it's never gonna change. and just saying "why are you acting so annoying today" does not explain anth.
maybe im making a huge fuss over nothing at all, and i admit that i am a over sensitive person who pays too much attention to small details, but then again so are you, and sometimes its the smallest details that have the biggest impact on ppl. like,things i thought i could overlook turned out to be the things that make me mad over and over again, even months after it's happened. and i know i shd tell you about it, and maybe i have, but i dont rmb, and i think it means to you much less than what it meant to me.
maybe some things dont matter to you, but these same things matter to me. and if what matters to me doesnt mean anth to you, the least you could do is not disrespect it, and thus me. sometimes you insult ppl or things that matter to them without thought, and i dont understand why. im pretty sure i've told you this before, and i know this is a completely different issue from ytd, but it is relevant that you do say things that hurt ppl. maybe unintentionally, but repeatedly.
what i mean is, i feel like you've insulted me by pretending it was okay. am i not big enough an issue to want to resolve? if you were tired and didnt mean any insult, you could have said so. if you thought i was being unnecessarily probing, you could have said so IN A LESS TACTLESS TONE and i would have apologised.
by not saying anth, you implied that i was acting like an immature child that you did not want to degrade yourself by dealing with. you implied that i was acting out, and that replying would have been indulging my childish desires. at least, that's what i feel. and i know you cant be held responsible for the conclusion i drew. but you ARE responsible for inspiring that conclusion.
if i had gone, how was i supposed to act? follow your lead and pretend everything was okay and then try to hv a good time? i didnt want to fight, but i didnt think i would hv been able to do nothing, either. i didnt know how i was supposed to act when i saw you, confront you and make a scene and then ruin the night? i didnt think that was fair to both of us, or misato, after she arrived. or pretend to be happy? again, i didnt think that wld be fair to both of us, because that's what you do to be polite to ppl who dont matter or are insignificant. and you mean more to me that to dismiss like that. i didnt think it wld be fair for me to play nice when i felt anth but. or was i supposed to go over and apologise? i thought about it you know, i really did. but i didnt think i had done anything really wrong or deserved all the blame. the one thing i did do wrong was asking you so many questions when you were in an easily irritated mood. and apologising would hv meant that i was wrong and that it was okay for you to react like that, had you not apologised at all. because if i said i was sorry and you said it was okay and nothing else, i dont think it would be, okay, i mean. i didnt think i could deal with the possibility of that happening, and if it had, i didnt know what i would do. i wld be back in the confront or pretend it was okay situation again.
so i didnt go. i felt it would give me time to think about what i shd do and say. and it might have deflected a fight. and i was honest bout it, i didnt lie and make up an excuse like, i want to watch tv and eat meat. that would hv been disgusting and disrespectful to both you and me.
and now here we are, doing this. i wonder how this will turn out. and i dont know what i expect out of this, because im not angry and i dont want an apology, and actually i dont know what i want, except to not want this to happen again. so you were tired and i was being an irritant, but i had the same feelings before too, and usu i just drop it because escalating it would result in THIS. this being the angry reaction, then the angry defense. then i dont know what comes after that. i learned a long time ago it was easier to live and let live. and yes, i've become an escapist, but whatever, that's my own problem.
so now the ball's in your court, i've said what i probably never would have said or been able to say, and even though i may not hv expressed this best, at least i tried to, and i guess im glad.
where do we go from here?
Friday, November 27, 2009
lethargic beyond belief
Hi its me again. yawn. lethargic. im not going to kanika's party after all.
and its not because there's no chicken, or that i want to watch Flushed Away, or that i hv fuckloads of hmwk to do.
Nope,its just cos im insecure like I ALWAYS AM, and she's in a mood where every little thing will irritate her. And im not in the mood to deal w that. I dont want to apologise for being me,insecure as i might be. Because really, as incredible as it might seem, she annoys people too, not just the other way round.
I suppose i shd really go do commDI. Just not a good day for working, feeling super lazy and just want to stone..
and its not because there's no chicken, or that i want to watch Flushed Away, or that i hv fuckloads of hmwk to do.
Nope,its just cos im insecure like I ALWAYS AM, and she's in a mood where every little thing will irritate her. And im not in the mood to deal w that. I dont want to apologise for being me,insecure as i might be. Because really, as incredible as it might seem, she annoys people too, not just the other way round.
I suppose i shd really go do commDI. Just not a good day for working, feeling super lazy and just want to stone..
BLURGHHH
hi.
i hv no motivation to do ANYTHING. like even typing this is killing me. i just want to eat/drink.
HAHHAHAHA YAY I CAN DO THAT TONIGHT.
kanika's folks are throwing a party.
i know watcha thinking, what?? she wants to go to a party some dude's PARENTS are throwing????
hhahahah yes i do. because kanika's mum makes awesomeeee cheeeken and like, indian parties hv fuckloads of food! and i love their parties. food good. gawd, all bout food, im sucha pig.
but like, i dont really care anymore. hahahaha fat is like, whatever. so what! muahahhhaha. i want to drink smth super cold and sweet. and eat smth salty, preferably fried.
MCDONALDS WOOHOO.
omg tht reminds me of amanda. HI AMANDA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS :D
AMANDA CHNG YI used to read my blog a lot when i used to INHALE macs by tonnes. that was in the jan-april period. fuck, i cant believe i had like 5mths of freedom and I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT.
wow i am a lazy fucking pig. fuck you grace!
i need to do commDI
i handed in fashion ilustration exercise 1 ytd. waaa i handed in damn late but ohwell, i finished everything! like, am proud of self. although the grades come back sure like shitzzz. that's what the others say, including the seniorsss and i trust Ashley. ashleyzzzxzxzz.
yawnzxzzx i am bored and restless and i want to like, fly.
although i'll prob be too lazy to flap my wings and then i'll fall and die anw.
omgggg im coughing like mad. think samantha passed me the fluzxzx.
fever and cough will follow.
SIGHZXZX.
it's hari raya! yay. taufiq is having fun. no idea what ppl do on hari raya but i bet its fun.
TAUFIQ, ELIZABETH. WE NEED TO DISCUSS OUR CAREER WEAR OUTFITSZXZXZ! RAH RAH. oh no that sounds like lady gaga's bad romance. damn it they keep singing it. NOOOOOOOOO.
like, i hv nth against her i just dont like this song THAT much. overplay overload OVERRRR.
i could go downstairs and get food but tht would require moneysss. and i am technically -$24. OMG HOW DID I MANAGE TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY OMG GRACE FUCK YOU!!!!
i love doing work. yeah right. okay actually it is right. i just hate STARTING work, you know that's always the hardest. i suppose i shd dig into nxt mth's allowance a bit more to reward myself.
wow the air outside the house is sooo much cooler than inside, esp my room. cause i am one hot mama :D hahahha just kidding.
lalallaallaalla bored ttm.
how does leslie do it? talked to him ytd and he said he was CONTENT WITH LIFE. like omggggg. how???? im SO NOT.
"windows thrown wide in hopes of tempting a breeze". that line just popped into my head. sounds like smth fr Harry Potter. lalallalaalalallalalallalallalalla ~DISCONTENTMENT~
food ensues.
WAAAA i opened my house door, and the cool wind blows RIGHT into my room. SHUANGZXZXZ MANXZXZX TTMMMMMMMM. super shuanggggg. top floor good for once.
i know, i can just switch on the aircon. but im trying to save the enviroment ok, i feel terrible for throwing so much paper away ytd OMGGG. im suck lah. i need a recycling bin.
im a suckerr im still not doing work. can go die alr, wth.
i hv no motivation to do ANYTHING. like even typing this is killing me. i just want to eat/drink.
HAHHAHAHA YAY I CAN DO THAT TONIGHT.
kanika's folks are throwing a party.
i know watcha thinking, what?? she wants to go to a party some dude's PARENTS are throwing????
hhahahah yes i do. because kanika's mum makes awesomeeee cheeeken and like, indian parties hv fuckloads of food! and i love their parties. food good. gawd, all bout food, im sucha pig.
but like, i dont really care anymore. hahahaha fat is like, whatever. so what! muahahhhaha. i want to drink smth super cold and sweet. and eat smth salty, preferably fried.
MCDONALDS WOOHOO.
omg tht reminds me of amanda. HI AMANDA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS :D
AMANDA CHNG YI used to read my blog a lot when i used to INHALE macs by tonnes. that was in the jan-april period. fuck, i cant believe i had like 5mths of freedom and I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT.
wow i am a lazy fucking pig. fuck you grace!
i need to do commDI
i handed in fashion ilustration exercise 1 ytd. waaa i handed in damn late but ohwell, i finished everything! like, am proud of self. although the grades come back sure like shitzzz. that's what the others say, including the seniorsss and i trust Ashley. ashleyzzzxzxzz.
yawnzxzzx i am bored and restless and i want to like, fly.
although i'll prob be too lazy to flap my wings and then i'll fall and die anw.
omgggg im coughing like mad. think samantha passed me the fluzxzx.
fever and cough will follow.
SIGHZXZX.
it's hari raya! yay. taufiq is having fun. no idea what ppl do on hari raya but i bet its fun.
TAUFIQ, ELIZABETH. WE NEED TO DISCUSS OUR CAREER WEAR OUTFITSZXZXZ! RAH RAH. oh no that sounds like lady gaga's bad romance. damn it they keep singing it. NOOOOOOOOO.
like, i hv nth against her i just dont like this song THAT much. overplay overload OVERRRR.
i could go downstairs and get food but tht would require moneysss. and i am technically -$24. OMG HOW DID I MANAGE TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY OMG GRACE FUCK YOU!!!!
i love doing work. yeah right. okay actually it is right. i just hate STARTING work, you know that's always the hardest. i suppose i shd dig into nxt mth's allowance a bit more to reward myself.
wow the air outside the house is sooo much cooler than inside, esp my room. cause i am one hot mama :D hahahha just kidding.
lalallaallaalla bored ttm.
how does leslie do it? talked to him ytd and he said he was CONTENT WITH LIFE. like omggggg. how???? im SO NOT.
"windows thrown wide in hopes of tempting a breeze". that line just popped into my head. sounds like smth fr Harry Potter. lalallalaalalallalalallalallalalla ~DISCONTENTMENT~
food ensues.
WAAAA i opened my house door, and the cool wind blows RIGHT into my room. SHUANGZXZXZ MANXZXZX TTMMMMMMMM. super shuanggggg. top floor good for once.
i know, i can just switch on the aircon. but im trying to save the enviroment ok, i feel terrible for throwing so much paper away ytd OMGGG. im suck lah. i need a recycling bin.
im a suckerr im still not doing work. can go die alr, wth.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
WEEKEND TOO SHORT
well the weekend has blazed by once again, and i hate it. i hate that weekends always do this. weekdays never pass by this quickly! argh. disgusted by your behaviour, weekend.
i wish i had one more day to enjoy slowly. and could it rain when i'm actually staying in,please? weather is very uncooperative.
yesterday was saturday. yesterday was great...
i woke up early and had a looooong leisurely brunch. then at 2 i went to meet KANIKA.
cue cheer.
she accompanied me to buy my copic markers cos when taufiq and i went to get them on friday art friend closed within like 7 MINTUES, THE AHOLES. heh.
and i took DAMN EFFING LONG to pick my colours, i am very indecisive. and i based all my choices upon heroes of the environment because i didnt think my beloved jewel tones were gonna cut it.
see, practical me.
i wish i had more money to buy more markers because truth be told i didnt really like some of the colours, i just kinda...settled. boohoo.
yeah we all know how we feel bout settling.
okay then after copic markers kanika and i went around city hall tiredly. we were tired for no reason. well she had football, and i well, i was with her. hahahha.
okay i cant tell you what we did, but it was fun, okay. like FUNNNN.
yeah we hung til bout seven thirty then she went to meet her sis and i went home cos i had to buy dinner for my mum. and i wanted to watch tv, hurhur.
YAY GAO YIXIANG. stubble. yummy. yay. i like. meifeng likes him, so because i am a friend who isnt the guy stealing bitch types, he is all hers and i aint gonna paw him or anth.
but nobody said i couldnt look my fill.
*drool*
he so kewwwwwt. awww. kay enough.
lalala.
YAY PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 1 AND 2 NXT WK. me will be watching no.2.
hope i dont slobber over orlando bloom cos im so over him. it was the legolas thing that i loved.
gao yixiang, yay. godfrey. i suspect it's actually geoffrey. cause godfrey's just....weird. hmm ok shut up grace, who you to comment on people's names. beeyatch.
he hot, me likey loads :D
i wish i had one more day to enjoy slowly. and could it rain when i'm actually staying in,please? weather is very uncooperative.
yesterday was saturday. yesterday was great...
i woke up early and had a looooong leisurely brunch. then at 2 i went to meet KANIKA.
cue cheer.
she accompanied me to buy my copic markers cos when taufiq and i went to get them on friday art friend closed within like 7 MINTUES, THE AHOLES. heh.
and i took DAMN EFFING LONG to pick my colours, i am very indecisive. and i based all my choices upon heroes of the environment because i didnt think my beloved jewel tones were gonna cut it.
see, practical me.
i wish i had more money to buy more markers because truth be told i didnt really like some of the colours, i just kinda...settled. boohoo.
yeah we all know how we feel bout settling.
okay then after copic markers kanika and i went around city hall tiredly. we were tired for no reason. well she had football, and i well, i was with her. hahahha.
okay i cant tell you what we did, but it was fun, okay. like FUNNNN.
yeah we hung til bout seven thirty then she went to meet her sis and i went home cos i had to buy dinner for my mum. and i wanted to watch tv, hurhur.
YAY GAO YIXIANG. stubble. yummy. yay. i like. meifeng likes him, so because i am a friend who isnt the guy stealing bitch types, he is all hers and i aint gonna paw him or anth.
but nobody said i couldnt look my fill.
*drool*
he so kewwwwwt. awww. kay enough.
lalala.
YAY PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 1 AND 2 NXT WK. me will be watching no.2.
hope i dont slobber over orlando bloom cos im so over him. it was the legolas thing that i loved.
gao yixiang, yay. godfrey. i suspect it's actually geoffrey. cause godfrey's just....weird. hmm ok shut up grace, who you to comment on people's names. beeyatch.
he hot, me likey loads :D
Friday, November 20, 2009
OH WHAT A PRETTY DAY
the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the world looks beautiful after being washed... the start of a beautiful day!
good morning! it's about 8.15am and i dont start class til 3pm AND it's friday! so yup im in a good mood.
but why the hell am i up so early?
wellll.....
i slept at abt 5PM ytd afternoon! it was raining and such a marvelous weather to sleep in. plus my mom was home and i didnt feel like interacting w her so sleep was a good idea. but then i woke up at 8plus and decided i didnt feel like facing the blazing lights so i went back to sleep and lo and behold! it was 7AM today :D
yes, that was a 14 hr sleep.
SHIOK, BABY.
hahahha! i hv no idea how i managed to sleep that long, it's like 2days worth of sleep! i guess the less-than-6hr-sleep took a toll on me this wk.
but yeah i guess im used to waking early now, been doing it for more than a mth. really love the sun streaming into my room right now. oh no pls dnt let me turn into a morning person.
yay meifeng is online due to her not being able to sleep! yay someone to talk to.
bow i kinda dont know what to do w myself. i mean, i have like 6h til class starts and sure, i havent done my hmwk, but i really dont think it's gonna take that long. im a fast writer, loads to write abt.
am hungry, first things first. breakfast!
good morning! it's about 8.15am and i dont start class til 3pm AND it's friday! so yup im in a good mood.
but why the hell am i up so early?
wellll.....
i slept at abt 5PM ytd afternoon! it was raining and such a marvelous weather to sleep in. plus my mom was home and i didnt feel like interacting w her so sleep was a good idea. but then i woke up at 8plus and decided i didnt feel like facing the blazing lights so i went back to sleep and lo and behold! it was 7AM today :D
yes, that was a 14 hr sleep.
SHIOK, BABY.
hahahha! i hv no idea how i managed to sleep that long, it's like 2days worth of sleep! i guess the less-than-6hr-sleep took a toll on me this wk.
but yeah i guess im used to waking early now, been doing it for more than a mth. really love the sun streaming into my room right now. oh no pls dnt let me turn into a morning person.
yay meifeng is online due to her not being able to sleep! yay someone to talk to.
bow i kinda dont know what to do w myself. i mean, i have like 6h til class starts and sure, i havent done my hmwk, but i really dont think it's gonna take that long. im a fast writer, loads to write abt.
am hungry, first things first. breakfast!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
ice cream, shoes and bus rides.
Hi all! had a good midweek? It's been a fun wednesday for me in the sense that i didnt hv to sit in class all day.
we had fashion illustration w wilson and we drew like a half dozen articles of clothes sigh so asymmetrical,mine are. Must redraw.
Anw aft class eli crystal and i were supposed to wait for taufiq before gg to town to take pics for comm d.i. project. But he took super long cos of tp rawks camp. Yup camp i think. Then he arrived at one thirty and off we went!
I tell ya, we took a super short time for the pics! We were done within an hr! So cool.
And then we made a trip to art friend for fipd stuff and like wow, copic markers are EXPENSIVE, baby.
I ended up buying one pen. Lol.
But we did it again. I cant believe it. Hahaha.
Elizabeth, taufiq and i went off unexpectedly again! There we were, going abt town doing nothing but random window shopping.
It was so funny cos we went to see both male and female apparel tgt hahaha. imagine looking at heels and boxers in one sitting. Haha.
From taka we went to ion and then all the way to orchard central. Tiring. And omg marymount girls just took over my bus. Scary. Eek she's too near me. Scaryyy kanika save me. Omg. Okay.
it was like 6 by then, so we went to novena planning to do our work at udders but when we arrived we realised it was full and a class was gg on so taufiq and i camped at mac instead while eli went to work. at udders. Teehee.
And i actually finished my work! Tht's the best part lah, you know how i usu dont if im outside.
Marymount girls are noisy. Lol im not being mean, im serious.
Anyhoo.
Taufiq damn cute he keep erasing and drawing over and over again! Seriously think too much, his drawings were ok lor! Had to be there to see the funny side.
and then we left round nine thirty and now im on the bus and i wish the girl wld stay further away fr me. Personal space, you know.
I hate when ppl invade my personal space. waa like just now otw to udders. best, i tell you. Cant stand it alr, gonna glare at the girl now.
Ok bye babes! Im broke, anyone wanna treat me? Hurhur. Toodles! Loveeee.
we had fashion illustration w wilson and we drew like a half dozen articles of clothes sigh so asymmetrical,mine are. Must redraw.
Anw aft class eli crystal and i were supposed to wait for taufiq before gg to town to take pics for comm d.i. project. But he took super long cos of tp rawks camp. Yup camp i think. Then he arrived at one thirty and off we went!
I tell ya, we took a super short time for the pics! We were done within an hr! So cool.
And then we made a trip to art friend for fipd stuff and like wow, copic markers are EXPENSIVE, baby.
I ended up buying one pen. Lol.
But we did it again. I cant believe it. Hahaha.
Elizabeth, taufiq and i went off unexpectedly again! There we were, going abt town doing nothing but random window shopping.
It was so funny cos we went to see both male and female apparel tgt hahaha. imagine looking at heels and boxers in one sitting. Haha.
From taka we went to ion and then all the way to orchard central. Tiring. And omg marymount girls just took over my bus. Scary. Eek she's too near me. Scaryyy kanika save me. Omg. Okay.
it was like 6 by then, so we went to novena planning to do our work at udders but when we arrived we realised it was full and a class was gg on so taufiq and i camped at mac instead while eli went to work. at udders. Teehee.
And i actually finished my work! Tht's the best part lah, you know how i usu dont if im outside.
Marymount girls are noisy. Lol im not being mean, im serious.
Anyhoo.
Taufiq damn cute he keep erasing and drawing over and over again! Seriously think too much, his drawings were ok lor! Had to be there to see the funny side.
and then we left round nine thirty and now im on the bus and i wish the girl wld stay further away fr me. Personal space, you know.
I hate when ppl invade my personal space. waa like just now otw to udders. best, i tell you. Cant stand it alr, gonna glare at the girl now.
Ok bye babes! Im broke, anyone wanna treat me? Hurhur. Toodles! Loveeee.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
WELCOME TO PARKWAY
hiya! Am in train on the way home fr paya lebar...i know, what am i doing here when i ended sch before 5???
Well aft the research workshop elizabeth, taufiq, crystal and i went to look for our lecturer bina w qns regarding our assignment.
Then aft tht short short meeting eli, taufiq & i decided to go down to parkway parade! Hahah i noob, first time there. There's koi there too, & taufiq first timer! lol he likes it too. Anw it was v funny cos we talked abt alot weird things and super unexpected. Like, eli was craving koi so she psycho us to bus down w her and i was like, oh so early, ok lor! hahaha.
Then as we were eating dinner at banquet there were all these sparrows eyeing our food and flying overhead us. Very scary. Can dive/shit at any moment.
Aft tht we went to charles&keith for a bit, and it began to pour like mad! And i mean POUR. Like all the water was splashing off so hard, there was a dense mist (lol oxymoron!) of vapour! Snow-like rain.
Hmm just got distracted by my reflection in city hall mrt stn. Like my outfit today v much hehe. Then like now im waiting for nxt train cos i dont wanna squeeze w all the gan chiong ppl.
Ok anw. Yeah the rain too heavy for us to attempt to walk to the bus stop so eli said she'll cab down and drop us off at paya lebar stn! ^^ happiness.
Yay elizabeth. hahaha.
Then the ride was super fast! Zoom zoom reach alr. Like two roads only. And at the stn taufiq and i made mad dash for shelter. Lol funny. And taufiq tried to talk to me but talk to wrong person, some stranger. HAHA his reaction.
Lol i dunno lah i just think the whole adventure was v light hearted and fun. And now im halfway home and sadness, i still need to do a lot of things when i get home. Like vacuum. House super dusty w all my eraser dust. Dont like eraser dust.
Must make invention turn eraser dust into petrol. Teehee.
Tmr off to town aft fashion illustration class! Crystal driving us down, woohoo so cool right. Im constantly surprised that we hv drivers amongst the class. Feel tres old now. Me is oldie :O
sigh only 2mths 2days til i turn 18. Oldness.
one year ago today, i was having prom. Sighhh. Nth to say. Surreal feeling. prom was like a blaze of flashes and smiles. And v little food. And well, me worrying abt my hair. Amongst other things. Ohwell.
I guess i just love kanika a lot. And yiyin for staying over. And my dress. ADORE my dress ttm. You guys shd see it.....one day, if i ever post my pics. Hahahhaah one year ltr and still i dont post. Need photoshop first lah.
Am at tpy stn now! Til nxt post, dahlings!
Well aft the research workshop elizabeth, taufiq, crystal and i went to look for our lecturer bina w qns regarding our assignment.
Then aft tht short short meeting eli, taufiq & i decided to go down to parkway parade! Hahah i noob, first time there. There's koi there too, & taufiq first timer! lol he likes it too. Anw it was v funny cos we talked abt alot weird things and super unexpected. Like, eli was craving koi so she psycho us to bus down w her and i was like, oh so early, ok lor! hahaha.
Then as we were eating dinner at banquet there were all these sparrows eyeing our food and flying overhead us. Very scary. Can dive/shit at any moment.
Aft tht we went to charles&keith for a bit, and it began to pour like mad! And i mean POUR. Like all the water was splashing off so hard, there was a dense mist (lol oxymoron!) of vapour! Snow-like rain.
Hmm just got distracted by my reflection in city hall mrt stn. Like my outfit today v much hehe. Then like now im waiting for nxt train cos i dont wanna squeeze w all the gan chiong ppl.
Ok anw. Yeah the rain too heavy for us to attempt to walk to the bus stop so eli said she'll cab down and drop us off at paya lebar stn! ^^ happiness.
Yay elizabeth. hahaha.
Then the ride was super fast! Zoom zoom reach alr. Like two roads only. And at the stn taufiq and i made mad dash for shelter. Lol funny. And taufiq tried to talk to me but talk to wrong person, some stranger. HAHA his reaction.
Lol i dunno lah i just think the whole adventure was v light hearted and fun. And now im halfway home and sadness, i still need to do a lot of things when i get home. Like vacuum. House super dusty w all my eraser dust. Dont like eraser dust.
Must make invention turn eraser dust into petrol. Teehee.
Tmr off to town aft fashion illustration class! Crystal driving us down, woohoo so cool right. Im constantly surprised that we hv drivers amongst the class. Feel tres old now. Me is oldie :O
sigh only 2mths 2days til i turn 18. Oldness.
one year ago today, i was having prom. Sighhh. Nth to say. Surreal feeling. prom was like a blaze of flashes and smiles. And v little food. And well, me worrying abt my hair. Amongst other things. Ohwell.
I guess i just love kanika a lot. And yiyin for staying over. And my dress. ADORE my dress ttm. You guys shd see it.....one day, if i ever post my pics. Hahahhaah one year ltr and still i dont post. Need photoshop first lah.
Am at tpy stn now! Til nxt post, dahlings!
Monday, November 16, 2009
my awesome skirt that isn't
hi non-existent readers, am currently in design canteen w elizabeth and her two friends michelle and zy. Michelle is having prom later, so exciting right!
Anw.
I'm very displeased by my new skirt from fave store pull and bear. I'd eyed it for close to two months when I finally got it bout two wks back and I'd bought uk size 6 initially cause it fit perfectly. Which,as it turned out, was also the problem. It fit perfectly. It was exact. It was also tight after food had been consumed. Cause genius that I was, I'd bought it before dinner.
So I decided to bring it back for an exchange cause I assumed it'd shrink in the wash and then where would I be? With a too tight skirt I loved but couldn't wear.
I thought my reasoning was so smart.
So on saturday I went back to exchange for a uk size 8 and it fit okay, kinda loose, but I figured it'd be alright once I'd washed it.
I'm wearing it now and it is LOOSE, baby, LOOSE. I'm so soaking it in cold water when I get home.
So cold, it's raining now. Wish I was wearing tights. I love those babies, tights.
Anw.
I'm very displeased by my new skirt from fave store pull and bear. I'd eyed it for close to two months when I finally got it bout two wks back and I'd bought uk size 6 initially cause it fit perfectly. Which,as it turned out, was also the problem. It fit perfectly. It was exact. It was also tight after food had been consumed. Cause genius that I was, I'd bought it before dinner.
So I decided to bring it back for an exchange cause I assumed it'd shrink in the wash and then where would I be? With a too tight skirt I loved but couldn't wear.
I thought my reasoning was so smart.
So on saturday I went back to exchange for a uk size 8 and it fit okay, kinda loose, but I figured it'd be alright once I'd washed it.
I'm wearing it now and it is LOOSE, baby, LOOSE. I'm so soaking it in cold water when I get home.
So cold, it's raining now. Wish I was wearing tights. I love those babies, tights.
F451
"He felt his smile slide away, melt, fold over, and down on itself like a tallow skin, like the stuff of a fantastic candle burning too long and now collapsing and now blown out. Darkness. He was not happy. He was not happy. He said the words to himself. He recognized this as the true state of affairs. He wore his happiness like a mask and the girl had run off across the lawn with the mask and there was no way of going to knock on her door and ask for it back."
Sunday, November 15, 2009
the wkend in between freedom
hi ppl I just got home and I am lazy to take a bath.
Misato got a brazilian! Omg! She was scared abt her EYEBROWS this time last year. I dont understand why she wants a brazilian though, lol. It's funny. Hahaaha i just saw her in the longest time.
They having a sleepover at her pad, her ex classmates. Kanika and i just kinda crashed at ten plus cos it was early and we didnt wanna go home.
Like we were just at holland v and we were like, m's got food, wanna go? Lol. And now k's staying over too. Sadness ttm. I get to miss all the fun, woot.
Yeah my mum doesnt get the whole, "im old and can take care of myself, besides everyone's there and SAFE" thing. Didnt seem to stop her from leacing me alone in singapore when she went overseas though. Interesting.
Misato got a brazilian! Omg! She was scared abt her EYEBROWS this time last year. I dont understand why she wants a brazilian though, lol. It's funny. Hahaaha i just saw her in the longest time.
They having a sleepover at her pad, her ex classmates. Kanika and i just kinda crashed at ten plus cos it was early and we didnt wanna go home.
Like we were just at holland v and we were like, m's got food, wanna go? Lol. And now k's staying over too. Sadness ttm. I get to miss all the fun, woot.
Yeah my mum doesnt get the whole, "im old and can take care of myself, besides everyone's there and SAFE" thing. Didnt seem to stop her from leacing me alone in singapore when she went overseas though. Interesting.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
of screens and teens
hello all! im in drawing essentials class now and everyone is like rushing their A2 sized final assignment. and i was too until a moment ago when i went to the toilet. my eyes are so tired from focusing on a little part of the picture on screen! so now im blogging to just like, relax a bit. although this still involves staring at the screen, so yeah, great idea grace.
lalala. this morning in creative writing paul didnt manage to consult everyone and i was one of those who didnt get a consultation but oh well i can still email him but but but like, i dont have a solid plot in my head.
i was thinking of using either my just-so story or my new take on the fairytale thing, but it seems kinda....easy? as in like, im simply reusing my idea, i feel like im stupid or smth. so then i came up with a few other ideas but nothing is like, GRIPPING me with inspiration.
there is one though that i thought of that is pretty cool, but only if im able to pull it off with really well written descriptives.
like this is one of those that im misleading the audience into thinking smth when its actually really another thing, so it has to be really well crafted, you know?
so i dont plan on sleeping tonight to chiong it. huiting thinks very highly of me and was lke, but it's not like it's v hard for you to come up with smth.
awww. i appreciate that, but...
well that's true, but it doesnt mean whatever i come up with i'd like. like, you know sometimes you have ideas and then you have great ideas. ideas turn out to be cute and passable, even entertaining. but great ideas will take the readers on a ride and it'll stay with them for a while. memorable. great ideas are...elusive.
i mean, i cold just write a crappy story that'll let me scrape pass a pass, but i love writing and i wanna be proud of my work. if i write like, a story that goes nowhere and is just one of my normal monolougue-ish types, then i'll probably chuck it somewhere and never read it again.
that's not good.
i already wrote the whole monolouge thing for my journal entries. i hope paul liked them, but im not gonna take a chance on it and do the same thing again. if he didnt like them at all, i'll be commiting suicide. if he did, he'll probably get bored of the same thing from me and grade me poorly.
and i know i didnt do so well for my second assignment cos well....it wasnt anything spectacular. it was kinda plain and boring. sadness.
and then the third assignment......i did it on Fahrenheit 451 and i had too much to say and didnt express it well or completely missed the point. i just feel so like, failure ttm.
i dont expect like smth completely PSYCHO COOL IN A SCARY BUT AWESOME WAY ala Snow, Glass, Apples, but at least smth like, I DID MY BEST AND ITS PRETTY KICK-ASS BY ME. hmm. that doesnt make sense when you read the whole sentence.
argh basically i just wanna put in a lot of effort in it.
and then after handing it in tmr morning i'll chiong A2 drawing the whole day and night for submission on friday noon.
okay okay, this is turning out to be quite long, imma go now, expect me to blog sometime in the mid of the night woohoo witching hour omg that is so cool i shd totally tell ppl to use that in their story cause i cant in mine.
TO THE SUPERMARKET! (for caffeinated drinks for tonight)
lalala. this morning in creative writing paul didnt manage to consult everyone and i was one of those who didnt get a consultation but oh well i can still email him but but but like, i dont have a solid plot in my head.
i was thinking of using either my just-so story or my new take on the fairytale thing, but it seems kinda....easy? as in like, im simply reusing my idea, i feel like im stupid or smth. so then i came up with a few other ideas but nothing is like, GRIPPING me with inspiration.
there is one though that i thought of that is pretty cool, but only if im able to pull it off with really well written descriptives.
like this is one of those that im misleading the audience into thinking smth when its actually really another thing, so it has to be really well crafted, you know?
so i dont plan on sleeping tonight to chiong it. huiting thinks very highly of me and was lke, but it's not like it's v hard for you to come up with smth.
awww. i appreciate that, but...
well that's true, but it doesnt mean whatever i come up with i'd like. like, you know sometimes you have ideas and then you have great ideas. ideas turn out to be cute and passable, even entertaining. but great ideas will take the readers on a ride and it'll stay with them for a while. memorable. great ideas are...elusive.
i mean, i cold just write a crappy story that'll let me scrape pass a pass, but i love writing and i wanna be proud of my work. if i write like, a story that goes nowhere and is just one of my normal monolougue-ish types, then i'll probably chuck it somewhere and never read it again.
that's not good.
i already wrote the whole monolouge thing for my journal entries. i hope paul liked them, but im not gonna take a chance on it and do the same thing again. if he didnt like them at all, i'll be commiting suicide. if he did, he'll probably get bored of the same thing from me and grade me poorly.
and i know i didnt do so well for my second assignment cos well....it wasnt anything spectacular. it was kinda plain and boring. sadness.
and then the third assignment......i did it on Fahrenheit 451 and i had too much to say and didnt express it well or completely missed the point. i just feel so like, failure ttm.
i dont expect like smth completely PSYCHO COOL IN A SCARY BUT AWESOME WAY ala Snow, Glass, Apples, but at least smth like, I DID MY BEST AND ITS PRETTY KICK-ASS BY ME. hmm. that doesnt make sense when you read the whole sentence.
argh basically i just wanna put in a lot of effort in it.
and then after handing it in tmr morning i'll chiong A2 drawing the whole day and night for submission on friday noon.
okay okay, this is turning out to be quite long, imma go now, expect me to blog sometime in the mid of the night woohoo witching hour omg that is so cool i shd totally tell ppl to use that in their story cause i cant in mine.
TO THE SUPERMARKET! (for caffeinated drinks for tonight)
Sunday, November 08, 2009
i see red
my mum just came home and immediately picked a fight with me.
this time it was about me wearing supposedly revealing clothes. i dont understand this at all. i DO NOT wear revealing clothes. in fact, i try away from all knds of low cuts, and i even hate wearing anth without sleeves these days.
i do NOT wear revealing clothes. i find a need to repeat this because it is true and shd refuses to listen to reason. she says that day i came home wearing a low cut top, and in actualy fact do you know what that was? a tank top. a freaking normal tank top from cotton on. and it wasnt even a v neck or low in any way. and i was fully wearing a jacket.
do you need my argument here? it was a TANK TOP. everyone wears them! including her, i might add. it was not REVEALING!
plus i dont see her problem, it's not like i even had anything to show down there. i mean, i have shrinked greatly. expanded largely in many areas, but this is the one area where i have SHRUNK. like two sizes or something. so what is her deal? im practicaly flat!!!
like, if she'd brought up this argument last year i would have maybe seen her point. but even back then, ever since i'd hit puberty, practically, she's never had a problem before, and might i say, i wore much more "REVEALING" tops back then! i never touch those anymore, i basically LIVE in tank tops and jackets now, and they are decent and NOT REVEALING!!!! (the NOT REVEALING part is said in a scream, because that's how frustrated i am)
so then i pointed out that i do not wear such clothes and that even if i do, what can i do about it? it's not like i have other clothes to wear. which is TRUE 100%. i mean, given my constant expansion, all my t-shirts are too small and tight or short and i dont have the means to buy new clothes!
because if she thinks tank tops are revealing, she'd better buy me a new wardrobe, cause that's about all i wear these days. did you not see my tweet earlier? i hardly wear t-shirts anymore. jackets are a fat girl's best friend. and they are worn over tank tops, if the weather here has anything to say about it.
thus i said so, the fact that i wear them cause i havent got anth else to wear, and i was all, "YOU BUY ME OTHER CLOTHES LAH, NOTHING ELSE FITS ME OKAY." yes, i was angry. she was picking a fight when she'd just arrived home!
and then she had the nerve to go, "i know, you say i no money buy you clothes. but you also never open your mouth to ask. you want to buy branded clothes, i cannot afford all the branded clothes you want. i where got money?"
BRANDED CLOTHES.
THE NERVE.
like omg!!!!! firstly, i do not buy branded clothes!!!!! and i dont even mean branded like Chanel and Burberry kind of branded. i mean the other brands, like Levi's and Guess and even freaking The Gap (which is still not branded btw!!!). i get all my clothes from major chain stores like Topshop, Pull and Bear and Forever 21! and these are like the overseas' version of freaking Giordano!!!!!!
I MEAN, WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP? other than these stores, i frequent blogshops. and that's about it! my closet is like, Miss Selfridge, Mango and Topshop mostly. and that's because im an F3 member! which entitles me to discounts! which saves money!!!
i swear she expects me to shop at places like This Fashion, Bossini, Hang Ten and omg, Ocean Pacific.
i dont even have anth to say to that. it's just NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
i mean, i really cant think of other places i buy from, aside from basics at Cotton On and random finds i sometimes come across at odd shops. im not a girl who frequents Far East Plaza, or Bugis Street. i cant bear the crowd there. and even my other articles of clothing. like shoes. jeez, i cant even tell you the last time i bought a pair. i think it was CNY? seriously. what does she mean, branded. i think she thinks Mango and Topshop are branded. they are not. they are like, major retail stores, simply the higher end i.e. more stylish version of Giordano. Giordano doesnt even sell nice tees. their plain white tees are CLINGY. not a good thing to have in a tee.
SECONDLY.
i dont open my mouth to ask? the only times i even BRING UP the subject of me needing a new bag/pair of shoes/pair of shorts, she gets all uptight and shows her pinched-up face and mouth and gives her most bu shuang look. AND I DIDNT EVEN ASK FOR ANYTHING YET, I JUST MENTIONED THE NEED FOR IT. im telling you, the only times she gives me money or buys me anything, she does so reluctantly. VERY reluctantly. and then she acts as though she's just done the most wonderful thing on earth and bestowed me with something sacred.
im sure.
half the time the only thing she's done is buy me something i desperately need because the one i previously had was flling apart at the seams. the other half she's bought me something because she hadnt done so in a long long long time and was feeling guilty.
for example, last year my birthday present was a pair of sandals that cos $36.90. and dont tell me its the little things that matter most, because that was the only thing she bought me for a while. and it's not even like we're desperately poor until she cant afford to buy me anything! no! she frequently comes home with shopping bags just because there was a sale or she felt she needed a new blouse/pair of shoes/belt/shirt. i dont understand why, if she feels the spontaneous impulse of buying a new shirt to make herself feel good about life/herself, she doesnt think i do too. no. im only to buy things i really need.
oh and i suppose she really needs all those clothes she has in her closet and is still adding to every few weeks. i buy like one top every few months because that's the best i can afford.
while i'd admit that the things i buy are slightly more costly than hers (that's because she shops at This Fashion, im sad to say, and no one forced her. she likes it there. sadly.) they arent exorbitant. one of my tops average about $30-$40. is that a lot? if your answer is yes, think. do you see tops going for less than $20 these days? im pretty sure the answer is no unless there's a major sale. $29.90 is considered dirt cheap nowadays. and almost impoosible. and that's only 10 cents lesser than my average. and my tops really do average $30-$40. i wont lie, some are $40-$50, but they're not the majority of my closet. but even so, i dont think they are that expensive given the prices these days, and the quality guaranteed in franchise stores like Pull and Bear. (their knits are soooo comfy, i love my pullover)
like i said, we're not desperately poor. and she buys herself things, i dont see why she has to act as though buying me things is the most difficult thing on earth. esp since im her daughter. and i hardly ask for anth from her. a few mths back, after not buying anth for almost 8mths, she gave me $100 to spend on anth i wanted, and she acted like....she had given me a credit card or smth.
if we are all smart ppl like i think we are, i think we can estimate that a hundred bucks can buy me, at best, 2 tops and 1 pair of tights (tights fr Topshop cos i love the variety and discount) with a few dollars leftover. or, 1 bottom (skirts or shorts start from $39.90, up to $59.90) and 1 top or, 1 really cheap bag and 1 top. or 1 really good quality bag. or 1 such jacket.
anyway, i think you get what i mean. that $100 im supposed to receive with reverance? yeah well it aint all that much. it buys me 3things at best, and 1 of them (the tights) not even smth i can wear alone without pants. she has been this way my whole life, so much so that im even afraid to ask for anth, because i hate the way she acts (the pinchy face and mouth) and how she puts me on a guilt trip for buying a skirt that cost $27.50.
i mean, if she doesnt want to being all this up, dont mention my clothes. or lack therof. because im not suppose to raise myself, or buy all my own clothes with my allowance (which i mostly do)
and most importantly, she shdnt exaggerate.
she says all these things, like "you always do this, you always buy that." and usually i've done such thing maybe once, at most twice or thrice. and she brings it up five years later when i havent done so ever again.
i hate it when she does that. hate. it. i want to slap her face and force her to see reason. to see truth. to SPEAK the truth. and stop effing whining.
some may say, "omg grace, why are you being sucha bitch? just get a fucking job."
i realise that. but i beseech you to see things from my POV. i mean, if she doesnt want me to do smth, the least she could do is set an example and do the same, so i'll follow. not do the exact thing she asks me not to and expect me to not do so as well (im talking about the shopping here.her attitude is a whole other argument.) PLUS its not like i ask her for extra money. because i dont.
also, i happen to think that as much as independent individuals go, im not ready for a job. all that responsibility? all that having to take whatever's thrown at me? i dont know. i would like to try, but im scared. but thats really beside the point, im talking about my mother here.
i cant stand her hypocrisy.
and at this point, there are some things i really need. like shoes and slippers, mine have spoilt. i still have a healing cut my slippers' base gave me. (metal. ouch.) and shirts, mine are too small. and shorts, i havent enough to last a week. and some skirts, i really havent got fitting ones. and if i could, i would really like a jacket. but that's not really a neccessity. but to ask for these would be her giving me a guilt trip that wont stop until about six months later. and no christmas or birthday present. and her having to ask me whether it's okay to not give me any. i dont understand why she does this. it's like rhetorical.
like, what else am i really supposed to say? is there any other answer? if she doesnt want to give me smth, she pretends like its my idea to not get it? i hate this more than anth. it makes me want to sob. seriously. is there a right answer?
feeling very drained right now. too tired to continue this further. if someone only did the same to her, how would she feel? dealing with her is exhausting, i wish she knew that.
this time it was about me wearing supposedly revealing clothes. i dont understand this at all. i DO NOT wear revealing clothes. in fact, i try away from all knds of low cuts, and i even hate wearing anth without sleeves these days.
i do NOT wear revealing clothes. i find a need to repeat this because it is true and shd refuses to listen to reason. she says that day i came home wearing a low cut top, and in actualy fact do you know what that was? a tank top. a freaking normal tank top from cotton on. and it wasnt even a v neck or low in any way. and i was fully wearing a jacket.
do you need my argument here? it was a TANK TOP. everyone wears them! including her, i might add. it was not REVEALING!
plus i dont see her problem, it's not like i even had anything to show down there. i mean, i have shrinked greatly. expanded largely in many areas, but this is the one area where i have SHRUNK. like two sizes or something. so what is her deal? im practicaly flat!!!
like, if she'd brought up this argument last year i would have maybe seen her point. but even back then, ever since i'd hit puberty, practically, she's never had a problem before, and might i say, i wore much more "REVEALING" tops back then! i never touch those anymore, i basically LIVE in tank tops and jackets now, and they are decent and NOT REVEALING!!!! (the NOT REVEALING part is said in a scream, because that's how frustrated i am)
so then i pointed out that i do not wear such clothes and that even if i do, what can i do about it? it's not like i have other clothes to wear. which is TRUE 100%. i mean, given my constant expansion, all my t-shirts are too small and tight or short and i dont have the means to buy new clothes!
because if she thinks tank tops are revealing, she'd better buy me a new wardrobe, cause that's about all i wear these days. did you not see my tweet earlier? i hardly wear t-shirts anymore. jackets are a fat girl's best friend. and they are worn over tank tops, if the weather here has anything to say about it.
thus i said so, the fact that i wear them cause i havent got anth else to wear, and i was all, "YOU BUY ME OTHER CLOTHES LAH, NOTHING ELSE FITS ME OKAY." yes, i was angry. she was picking a fight when she'd just arrived home!
and then she had the nerve to go, "i know, you say i no money buy you clothes. but you also never open your mouth to ask. you want to buy branded clothes, i cannot afford all the branded clothes you want. i where got money?"
BRANDED CLOTHES.
THE NERVE.
like omg!!!!! firstly, i do not buy branded clothes!!!!! and i dont even mean branded like Chanel and Burberry kind of branded. i mean the other brands, like Levi's and Guess and even freaking The Gap (which is still not branded btw!!!). i get all my clothes from major chain stores like Topshop, Pull and Bear and Forever 21! and these are like the overseas' version of freaking Giordano!!!!!!
I MEAN, WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP? other than these stores, i frequent blogshops. and that's about it! my closet is like, Miss Selfridge, Mango and Topshop mostly. and that's because im an F3 member! which entitles me to discounts! which saves money!!!
i swear she expects me to shop at places like This Fashion, Bossini, Hang Ten and omg, Ocean Pacific.
i dont even have anth to say to that. it's just NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
i mean, i really cant think of other places i buy from, aside from basics at Cotton On and random finds i sometimes come across at odd shops. im not a girl who frequents Far East Plaza, or Bugis Street. i cant bear the crowd there. and even my other articles of clothing. like shoes. jeez, i cant even tell you the last time i bought a pair. i think it was CNY? seriously. what does she mean, branded. i think she thinks Mango and Topshop are branded. they are not. they are like, major retail stores, simply the higher end i.e. more stylish version of Giordano. Giordano doesnt even sell nice tees. their plain white tees are CLINGY. not a good thing to have in a tee.
SECONDLY.
i dont open my mouth to ask? the only times i even BRING UP the subject of me needing a new bag/pair of shoes/pair of shorts, she gets all uptight and shows her pinched-up face and mouth and gives her most bu shuang look. AND I DIDNT EVEN ASK FOR ANYTHING YET, I JUST MENTIONED THE NEED FOR IT. im telling you, the only times she gives me money or buys me anything, she does so reluctantly. VERY reluctantly. and then she acts as though she's just done the most wonderful thing on earth and bestowed me with something sacred.
im sure.
half the time the only thing she's done is buy me something i desperately need because the one i previously had was flling apart at the seams. the other half she's bought me something because she hadnt done so in a long long long time and was feeling guilty.
for example, last year my birthday present was a pair of sandals that cos $36.90. and dont tell me its the little things that matter most, because that was the only thing she bought me for a while. and it's not even like we're desperately poor until she cant afford to buy me anything! no! she frequently comes home with shopping bags just because there was a sale or she felt she needed a new blouse/pair of shoes/belt/shirt. i dont understand why, if she feels the spontaneous impulse of buying a new shirt to make herself feel good about life/herself, she doesnt think i do too. no. im only to buy things i really need.
oh and i suppose she really needs all those clothes she has in her closet and is still adding to every few weeks. i buy like one top every few months because that's the best i can afford.
while i'd admit that the things i buy are slightly more costly than hers (that's because she shops at This Fashion, im sad to say, and no one forced her. she likes it there. sadly.) they arent exorbitant. one of my tops average about $30-$40. is that a lot? if your answer is yes, think. do you see tops going for less than $20 these days? im pretty sure the answer is no unless there's a major sale. $29.90 is considered dirt cheap nowadays. and almost impoosible. and that's only 10 cents lesser than my average. and my tops really do average $30-$40. i wont lie, some are $40-$50, but they're not the majority of my closet. but even so, i dont think they are that expensive given the prices these days, and the quality guaranteed in franchise stores like Pull and Bear. (their knits are soooo comfy, i love my pullover)
like i said, we're not desperately poor. and she buys herself things, i dont see why she has to act as though buying me things is the most difficult thing on earth. esp since im her daughter. and i hardly ask for anth from her. a few mths back, after not buying anth for almost 8mths, she gave me $100 to spend on anth i wanted, and she acted like....she had given me a credit card or smth.
if we are all smart ppl like i think we are, i think we can estimate that a hundred bucks can buy me, at best, 2 tops and 1 pair of tights (tights fr Topshop cos i love the variety and discount) with a few dollars leftover. or, 1 bottom (skirts or shorts start from $39.90, up to $59.90) and 1 top or, 1 really cheap bag and 1 top. or 1 really good quality bag. or 1 such jacket.
anyway, i think you get what i mean. that $100 im supposed to receive with reverance? yeah well it aint all that much. it buys me 3things at best, and 1 of them (the tights) not even smth i can wear alone without pants. she has been this way my whole life, so much so that im even afraid to ask for anth, because i hate the way she acts (the pinchy face and mouth) and how she puts me on a guilt trip for buying a skirt that cost $27.50.
i mean, if she doesnt want to being all this up, dont mention my clothes. or lack therof. because im not suppose to raise myself, or buy all my own clothes with my allowance (which i mostly do)
and most importantly, she shdnt exaggerate.
she says all these things, like "you always do this, you always buy that." and usually i've done such thing maybe once, at most twice or thrice. and she brings it up five years later when i havent done so ever again.
i hate it when she does that. hate. it. i want to slap her face and force her to see reason. to see truth. to SPEAK the truth. and stop effing whining.
some may say, "omg grace, why are you being sucha bitch? just get a fucking job."
i realise that. but i beseech you to see things from my POV. i mean, if she doesnt want me to do smth, the least she could do is set an example and do the same, so i'll follow. not do the exact thing she asks me not to and expect me to not do so as well (im talking about the shopping here.her attitude is a whole other argument.) PLUS its not like i ask her for extra money. because i dont.
also, i happen to think that as much as independent individuals go, im not ready for a job. all that responsibility? all that having to take whatever's thrown at me? i dont know. i would like to try, but im scared. but thats really beside the point, im talking about my mother here.
i cant stand her hypocrisy.
and at this point, there are some things i really need. like shoes and slippers, mine have spoilt. i still have a healing cut my slippers' base gave me. (metal. ouch.) and shirts, mine are too small. and shorts, i havent enough to last a week. and some skirts, i really havent got fitting ones. and if i could, i would really like a jacket. but that's not really a neccessity. but to ask for these would be her giving me a guilt trip that wont stop until about six months later. and no christmas or birthday present. and her having to ask me whether it's okay to not give me any. i dont understand why she does this. it's like rhetorical.
like, what else am i really supposed to say? is there any other answer? if she doesnt want to give me smth, she pretends like its my idea to not get it? i hate this more than anth. it makes me want to sob. seriously. is there a right answer?
feeling very drained right now. too tired to continue this further. if someone only did the same to her, how would she feel? dealing with her is exhausting, i wish she knew that.
the sunlight dappled world
ever since i went to poly i've increasingly felt like i have no life.
i know, i know, im sucha little liar.
but it's still true. well recently, anyway.
i know the same cant be said for when i really JUST started poly cause tht was awesome, cos i started out so slack and i went out after sch like, everyday, practically.
then the double modules came and suddenly i was juggling work like crazy. i ALWAYS procrastinate no matter what i tell myself. and so i always have work to do after sch or on weekends, so meeting friends become a luxury i can barely afford.
and then i go and read all my friends' blogs and they're having so much funa nd i dont care what they say about sacrificing during exams, it's like, they KNOW the exams will end one day but like, poly life is a constant race. you can NEVER stop running or else you WILL get ousted.
and i dont want to get ousted.
and for them life in school is like a party because they get to see all their friends everyday. yeah well for me not so much, because luck has it that most of my good friends have totally conflicting schedules with me. i'll finish just as they start or they'll end just as i begin. it's sucky, to say the least.
i know it'll get better, we cant hv totally conflicting schedules for the next 6 mths. and at least now huiting has the same timing as i do, but the block's about to end.
which is horrible, cause im loving these two classes! yes, i know, i cant believe im loving drawing essentials too. but carol is so nice! and im actually drawing. its weird.
and obviously i would love creative writing. but like, im so not used to churning out stories anymore. i still dont have a plot for my short story, and im running outta time.
sigh if i would jst stop procrastinating. but ppl are never free in when i am, and i them.
and i hate it when the others are like, huh you dont have holidays meh? like fuck you what do you want me to say? you come and take a look at my schedule lah, and stop making yourself sound so effing tortured. like, YOU signed up for it. like seriously, you PUT DOWN YOUR NAME WILLINGLY.
and you all, i dont have the luxury of chilling until its crunch time, i.e., exam period, and then mugging til i die, any more. so you dont try to mess with MY schedule.
if i ask you out on some day, it means it's because i cant on the others, so dont effing try to change it.
"oh i cant, i have this and that...." will YOU spare a thought for MY this and that?
i mean, fuck you, it's SUBMISSION WEEK. LAST WEEK OF BLOCK. i DO NOT have the time to entertain you. so yeah.
i wish all these ppl would just stay far far away from me. because im not the type who can say it out loud, because i just hate confrontations. especially that person. like, i really dont care what you do, but PLEASE stop rubbing it in my face. i cant help if i have standards. andmorals thoughts of consequence. and feelings, that's very important. dont you think you hurt me by doing what you did/do?
like seriously, when i think about what you do, it sickens me. just a bit, but still. how could you SELL OUT like that? i'll admit maybe i never knew you as much as i knew my other friends, but shouldnt it still be gradual?
im not gonna lie, i do think you're selling out. and for what? maybe i dont know them as you do, but you know them just how much? and for how long is this gonna last?
i cant judge you, i have no right to, but im allowed to have an opinion. and because i still care about you, im not gonna voice these opinions i have to anybody. they will remain here, and you know nobody will see them.
maybe you've done it before already, but that doesnt mean you cant stop. i mean, really? i know i say a lot of shit, but some shit does come from experience. i've done shit i regret, but i cant take it back, and it still disgusts me that i am who i am, but i cant change what's already done. all i can say is that it just sucks i was around people who didnt know how to care for me. and forgive me if i lie, and not share these things, because no matter how much i love you guys, i dont think you're ready to know the truth about me. most of all, i dont think I am ready to face the truth about me. it's too late for me, but you still have a chance to make your own decisions, and as your friend, i sure aint gonna stand by and watch you do anything you're not ready for.
i was too young then, to make a responsible decision, and i cant tell you ignorance is not bliss.
i cant protect all those i loved. i've loved and lost those i care about before, and im too stupid to know how to repair these relationships. i just dont want to lose more.
maybe you dont care anymore, but i still do. i dont think i'll ever stop, unless you explicitly ask me to. just know that if you have anything to say to just get off your back or need help about, i will be here, and i will never judge you for what you did or are going to do, because i have benefitted from awesome ppl who offered me no judgement before and i wanna pay it forward.
all this coming from a person who has no life.
maybe i shd use this time to care more about the lives of others whom i care about. honestly, i see to little of that going around these days, and i can tel you from experience that it does not feel good, when someone you care about and thought cared for you too doesnt really actually seem to care all that much.
i am a weak, weak person.
there's someone else i care about out there who is going through things, and who thinks i dont know, but i think i have an idea. and i dont know how to tell you to open up to me. how do i tell you i care? how do i show you?
I wish i could save you
I wish i could say to you i'm not going nowhere
I wish i could say to you it's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
-Save You, Kelly Clarkson
i know, i know, im sucha little liar.
but it's still true. well recently, anyway.
i know the same cant be said for when i really JUST started poly cause tht was awesome, cos i started out so slack and i went out after sch like, everyday, practically.
then the double modules came and suddenly i was juggling work like crazy. i ALWAYS procrastinate no matter what i tell myself. and so i always have work to do after sch or on weekends, so meeting friends become a luxury i can barely afford.
and then i go and read all my friends' blogs and they're having so much funa nd i dont care what they say about sacrificing during exams, it's like, they KNOW the exams will end one day but like, poly life is a constant race. you can NEVER stop running or else you WILL get ousted.
and i dont want to get ousted.
and for them life in school is like a party because they get to see all their friends everyday. yeah well for me not so much, because luck has it that most of my good friends have totally conflicting schedules with me. i'll finish just as they start or they'll end just as i begin. it's sucky, to say the least.
i know it'll get better, we cant hv totally conflicting schedules for the next 6 mths. and at least now huiting has the same timing as i do, but the block's about to end.
which is horrible, cause im loving these two classes! yes, i know, i cant believe im loving drawing essentials too. but carol is so nice! and im actually drawing. its weird.
and obviously i would love creative writing. but like, im so not used to churning out stories anymore. i still dont have a plot for my short story, and im running outta time.
sigh if i would jst stop procrastinating. but ppl are never free in when i am, and i them.
and i hate it when the others are like, huh you dont have holidays meh? like fuck you what do you want me to say? you come and take a look at my schedule lah, and stop making yourself sound so effing tortured. like, YOU signed up for it. like seriously, you PUT DOWN YOUR NAME WILLINGLY.
and you all, i dont have the luxury of chilling until its crunch time, i.e., exam period, and then mugging til i die, any more. so you dont try to mess with MY schedule.
if i ask you out on some day, it means it's because i cant on the others, so dont effing try to change it.
"oh i cant, i have this and that...." will YOU spare a thought for MY this and that?
i mean, fuck you, it's SUBMISSION WEEK. LAST WEEK OF BLOCK. i DO NOT have the time to entertain you. so yeah.
i wish all these ppl would just stay far far away from me. because im not the type who can say it out loud, because i just hate confrontations. especially that person. like, i really dont care what you do, but PLEASE stop rubbing it in my face. i cant help if i have standards. and
like seriously, when i think about what you do, it sickens me. just a bit, but still. how could you SELL OUT like that? i'll admit maybe i never knew you as much as i knew my other friends, but shouldnt it still be gradual?
im not gonna lie, i do think you're selling out. and for what? maybe i dont know them as you do, but you know them just how much? and for how long is this gonna last?
i cant judge you, i have no right to, but im allowed to have an opinion. and because i still care about you, im not gonna voice these opinions i have to anybody. they will remain here, and you know nobody will see them.
maybe you've done it before already, but that doesnt mean you cant stop. i mean, really? i know i say a lot of shit, but some shit does come from experience. i've done shit i regret, but i cant take it back, and it still disgusts me that i am who i am, but i cant change what's already done. all i can say is that it just sucks i was around people who didnt know how to care for me. and forgive me if i lie, and not share these things, because no matter how much i love you guys, i dont think you're ready to know the truth about me. most of all, i dont think I am ready to face the truth about me. it's too late for me, but you still have a chance to make your own decisions, and as your friend, i sure aint gonna stand by and watch you do anything you're not ready for.
i was too young then, to make a responsible decision, and i cant tell you ignorance is not bliss.
i cant protect all those i loved. i've loved and lost those i care about before, and im too stupid to know how to repair these relationships. i just dont want to lose more.
maybe you dont care anymore, but i still do. i dont think i'll ever stop, unless you explicitly ask me to. just know that if you have anything to say to just get off your back or need help about, i will be here, and i will never judge you for what you did or are going to do, because i have benefitted from awesome ppl who offered me no judgement before and i wanna pay it forward.
all this coming from a person who has no life.
maybe i shd use this time to care more about the lives of others whom i care about. honestly, i see to little of that going around these days, and i can tel you from experience that it does not feel good, when someone you care about and thought cared for you too doesnt really actually seem to care all that much.
i am a weak, weak person.
there's someone else i care about out there who is going through things, and who thinks i dont know, but i think i have an idea. and i dont know how to tell you to open up to me. how do i tell you i care? how do i show you?
I wish i could save you
I wish i could say to you i'm not going nowhere
I wish i could say to you it's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
-Save You, Kelly Clarkson
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Drama and possibilities.
that's basically what this post is abt.
My face is fucking round. Obscenely so. It's disgusting.
Oh Sweet Lord, take me now.
I do like this class though, Carol's really nice and i feel like if someone thinks i can do it, i probably can. Like, it's not impossible. And i did do portraits before so i cant say i cant do it.
Do you believe in me?
My face is fucking round. Obscenely so. It's disgusting.
Oh Sweet Lord, take me now.
I do like this class though, Carol's really nice and i feel like if someone thinks i can do it, i probably can. Like, it's not impossible. And i did do portraits before so i cant say i cant do it.
Do you believe in me?
Drawing Essentials portrait drawing
i do not like this portrait drawing thing. I did this in sec2 and did quite well, but back then i wasnt as hideous to look at. hard to believe, i know, but babes, its true.
So.
We're having a break now and im blogging while trying to make my gastric less horribly painful. Gulping milo like nobody's business while asmine plays some game beside me. It looks really fun, hahaha. Had a tap tap wrestling match w ashley this morning before class! Am unable to blog more as i cant figure out how to scroll down. Later!
So.
We're having a break now and im blogging while trying to make my gastric less horribly painful. Gulping milo like nobody's business while asmine plays some game beside me. It looks really fun, hahaha. Had a tap tap wrestling match w ashley this morning before class! Am unable to blog more as i cant figure out how to scroll down. Later!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
blogging frm mobile
hiya all! Am blogging frm my phone as the title suggests, who is awesomely cool and seriously giving me a thrill like no other.
I think my thumbs are too fat for the phone though hahaha.
Rewarded myself by reading a book today. Though i'll like it but it made me real depressed and now i dont even believe in it anymore. Depressing! Need a trashy romance novel to cheer me up. Need the weekend!
I feel as though the wk has ended when it's just begun sigh at least i get some eyecandy in the form of Wu Zun and Jerry Yan. Hahah Wu Zun. Yay.
Loving this. Think i shall blog more often from now :)
Happiness. Okay bye for now!
I think my thumbs are too fat for the phone though hahaha.
Rewarded myself by reading a book today. Though i'll like it but it made me real depressed and now i dont even believe in it anymore. Depressing! Need a trashy romance novel to cheer me up. Need the weekend!
I feel as though the wk has ended when it's just begun sigh at least i get some eyecandy in the form of Wu Zun and Jerry Yan. Hahah Wu Zun. Yay.
Loving this. Think i shall blog more often from now :)
Happiness. Okay bye for now!
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