pillars

im not ready for this shit.


i was supposed to hang onto something, not be the support.
i would love to be your support, actually. i just dont know if im strong enough!! help meeeee.


dont go away. i need...



pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease



GIVE ME A HUG AND MAKE IT OKAY :(

drown me in tears and fill me with erm, food. or money.

I WANT BUBBLE TEA AND SOUP AND CHICKEN CUTLET W SAUCE AND OH YES YES YES I WANT YOUUUUUUUU! it doesnt matter that there isnt a 'you'. lol. okay.

*continues food spam*

I WANT BEEF AND FISH AND VEGGIES OHMNOMNOM I LOVE VEGGIES TEEHEE AND I WANT FRIES WITH SAUCE THOUGH IT SOUNDS WEIRD AND I WANT....ALL MY MONEY BACK.

fugshit i spent like over $500 in the past 2mths and i hv no idea on what!!!!! probably fucking CABFARE.FUCK YOU GRACE WHY DO YOU CAB TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY DURING PEAK HOUR OMGOMGOMG I DONT EVEN DARE TO CALCULATE HOW MUCH THAT IS IMMA CRY NOW.

BOOHOOHOOHOO, HOO.

lee love

i should be doing work! im listening to Lee DeWyze on 4shared.com, the songs he sung during Homecoming, and i just keep hearing the crowd going: "ohmygawd he's so hot!" "lee you're so sexy!" "i love you lee!!" "

lol.

i wonder how he reacted to that! i wonder if he even reacted. he sounds gooooood. yeah. shit i cant imagine how it would feel to hear those things up close. it's like, DUDE IM RIGHT HERE. like how is he supposed to react? idk, i think i would be totally like erm. heh heh. ok i cant talk, if i saw up in person i'd probably be like, :D non-stop. yeah. and i'll be like SHUT UP BITCH HE'S MINEEEEEEE if i hear someone shout "i love you lee!" yeah. okay. im psycho.

argh i lurrrrveeeeeeeee his voice. HIS VOICE <3

i have five tabs open. four are about lee. none are for work. omg i am disgusting. ah he sounds sooooooo...good.

i need to focus.

YOU MAKE ME CRAZIER!

PLANS DURING MY ONE WK HOLS (12 TO 20TH JUNE):

1) WORK AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.
2) meet Syanni Attan and Dawn the Yawn!
3) MANICURE
4) stay over at M's or K's! YAY. also othr misc events. ahem.
5) WATCH SHITLOADS OF MOVIES
6) PACK MY ROOM!!!!!!!
7) my hair my hair my hair
8) MEET KELVIN FOR A LIFETIME OF CATCHUP
9) Besties for a stayover?
10) STEAMBOAT W ROJAK PEEPOS.
11) GO OUT W CHERYLFSY, ZECRYSTAL AND MIRABELL!!!
12) picnic w pearrlyn? AH PEARL, WANT OR NOT?
13) QUIT WORK.

im happy and excited for the hols. so much i wanna do! :D

JUNE, IT'S JUNE AND WE CANT GO BACK

Hey people GUESS WHAT, IT'S 3RD JUNE 2010 OMG TTM.

i think i've posted that picture above before, but i am in studio and bored now so i was looking at everybody's photos in fb and i saw that and i showed it to Pearlyn.
Pearlyn: "oohhhhh.....waa, you last time so skinny?"
.
.
.
"what happened to you? eat too much already ah hahaha."

:<

I MUST SAVE $$ FOR THAT THING! YES THAT THING IS LIPOSUCTION SUCK SUCK SUCK ALL THE FATTY OUTTA ME.
omg i can feel my body shutting down on me. i am seriously gonna crash real soon. bamf. like gone like that.
imma go home real soon to sleep. oh then imma wake up and do laundry then watch tv and do some work then go back to sleep.
NO DINNER FOR THE FAT.

naw that aint gonna happen. imma eat like WAO. hahahahhaha.
okay seriously right i dont give a damn if im fat, i just care cos i have NOTHING TO WEAR LIKE OMG, and i hv no MONEY to buy new clothes.
fat then fat luh, im happy eating. but i would like to exercise, so imma say it here now:

WHO HAS ABOUT A THOUSAND BUCKS TO LEND ME???
i really wanna buy that thing!!! i promise i'll return you as soon as i earn it back!!!

i know my title says we cant go back, but yknow i sure as hell am gonna try.
ANYHOO.
i am like falling real soon. tempted to cab home, but i would kill myself if i did that. btw. i dont dare to go into the bathroom because this morning at 5.30am i saw A FREAKING LARGE ROACH RUN IN omg omg omg and i was standing right there!!!!!!!! oh cry.

i need to hire a live-in pest control person, cos my mum is so not helping w this :(
save meeeeeee.

okay imma go now cos i cant stand it anymore.

someone once said

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

useless, pointless, let's help by making it one less.
i hate people. and i have shit ass friends. friends of convenience. fuck you all. im a liar, im a pretender, but you dont deserve the real me anyway. the real me will probably go around stabbing everybody because she's crazy. dont trust people, they are disgusting and cannot be trusted.

why do we pretend? dont even bother to tell me YOU STILL HAVE ME because you stupid bitchfuck, we both know you dont mean it. you will care, to what extent? in the end it's always, always, always about yourself. "I, me, my" HAH life is a joke. a bloody, fuck ass joke.

you're all disgusting. i am disgusting. let's remove the disgust from this world.

dont worry, i wont be around to test you much longer. i WILL remove myself from your life because i simply dont care. i have realised myself to be incapable of caring for long because i just cant be bothered. there is nothing inside me to give, you see, so why pretend there is?

will someone please steal my phone to save me the trouble of smashing it? although it will give me a great deal of satisfaction. haha, hahaha. and my laptops, too.

disgusting piece of shit, we can all do without you. not one will care nor take you seriously because i honestly believe not one knows you. if they know will they still dare to stick around? if you know that im mentally unstable will you dare to say/do what you say/do? because i do have a violent streak. i LIKE to ruin things.

yes, i am crazy. so save me the trouble of pushing you away by staying far away from me.

die, angst.

when i was in sec3, i think i scared the shitzxz outta my sitting partner in English class. i told Tressa, "i've always wanted to know how it would feel like to fly." and then continued on how awesome jumping off a building would be.

i was a stupid little girl, intent upon searching for a better world.

stooopidzxz.
teehee.

i always do the dumbest things, then regret them immediately but never say anything because i is stewpid.

im really sleepy, and im stuffing my face with expensive chocolate, and im unrepentant as hell.

yawnzxz.

get lost, bitch, i hate you like no words can express. you're lucky my penknife is blunt, because i really dont know what i would do otherwise.

if im not in sch tmr it's because im:
A) dead
B) detained by police
C) late

yay.

FEVER FEVER GO AWAY

just got a call from Christine Foong, my CM.
you can imagine how shocked i was because i was totally expecting another check-in call from my mother. i went like HALLO? and she was like, Grace? Grace this is Christine Foong ah.
lol anw she just wanted to check why i wasnt in sch again today. so i told her i went to the doctor ytd but the smart ass doc only gave me one day of MC but im still having fever, for god-knows-what reason.

I CANT BELIEVE IM STILL HAVING FEVER, IT'S THE THIRD DAY!!

since i found my thermometer last night, i've been taking my temp every hour on the hour and this morning it was 37.78degrees C which is pretty freaky considering it was like 37.2 last night.
so i emailed MeiSin and told her i wouldnt be gg into gg today and explained why, and then i fell back into a restless sleep.

Sleep is elusive when you're sick. lucky for the meds tht cause drowsiness, man. i had a bunch of strange, nonsensical dreams last night, but luckily they werent my usual fever nightmares. anw, i took my temp abt 2hrs ago and it'd climbed to 38.56degrees C!! so i took a bath to like, idk, bring it down or smth.
abt like 15min after the bath, my temp was freaking 38.72degrees C.

but i just took it not long ago and it's dropped to 38.13degrees C. yay! maybe by tonight it'll be gone and i can go to sch tmr.

im totally worried. i've never had a fever for this long. and even though the body aches have since stopped, the thermometer shows that my fever is NOT, as i thought, subsiding. unless the thermometer's screwed up.

aside from fever, im having cough, runny nose and sore throat. i think it's like a full-blown flu, even though the runny/blocked nose symptoms didnt set in until ytd

this is seriously unfair, i really wanna be at sch helping out my group members. i feel like a sick dog, and it's not helping that my guilty conscience is in overdrive. on the other hand, im trying to do what i can from home, which is gg okay for CoLiR but not so for FRM. i totally hv no idea what's gg on with my FRM grp now cept that they're gg sourcing today and they've handed in the merchandise plan ytd. also Irene sent us an email tht says by 5pm today the brand collage is due but my group hasnt said anth bout it to me. hopefully they're on top of things. they told me to find possible backdrops and layout. so far, my few ideas for those are pretty weak and i cant seem to link everything up. sigh, please let inspiration strike tonight or smth.


so, later, imma be heading out to interview K's sister for my CoLiR assignment. even though i would much rather stay home and REST, i HAVE TO DO THIS because it's due thursday. and it needs to be recorded. i hope it wont take more than a half hour so i can reach home early. i hv no idea how to convert it to mp3 format. please let me not start coughing like a mad cow in the midst of recording and/or lose my voice. that would suck so much.

okay back to CoLiR research.

la, dee, da

why do YOU have to get everything you want and my own requests and promises made to me can be so easily neglected?
because i am nothing to you, to anybody and much less to myself.
nothing nothing nothing, woot.
you know i really hate you? i really, really hate you. there is no word strong enough. you made me this way. i want to destroy you. mutilation is so, so appealing.

give up the pretense, no one cares.
there is no one looking out for you, you're gonna have to do that yourself, bitch.

i hate people. why cant we just be?












i have a mantra and it goes like this:
ICBICBICBICBICBICBICBICBICBICBICBICB


i am not emo. that's a stupid word. i am simply venting, since i cannot actually do what i want, which is to drag a blunt knife slowly through your major organs and then plunge it deep inside and make you pull it out yourself.

cheers.

blah blah blah

nobody.
Quit pretending
Quit lying to yourself!
There is nobody. It was all a figment of your imagination. Your overactive imagination with a mind of its own, pun intended.

Hurhur not funny.

It starts now, woohoo.

people

i hate pictures i hate people i hate everything.
leave me alone.

you chose this end so dont blame me for backing away.
i hate you all.


yes i am an angsty teenager, only a year ++ more to blame it on that so i might as well, now.

When you see things from another perspective

Found this on Meifeng's blog, i'd met her after work on Saturday and we'd gone frm Novena to TPY to get my sewing machine from Courts. i remember walking down the escalator after work and seeing him and going all gooey inside.

And then i saw KaiShen on the train. or rather, he saw me and didnt call me until i walked out at TPY. lol. no wonder there were so many giggles and muffled chuckles from the dudes standing beside me, it was KaiShen and his friends.

Here's how MF felt about the experience
she's occasionally hilarious when she thinks no one is looking ;)


"Met Grace at toa payoh for her sewing machine, which we failed to acquire again because the price went up to a difference of a whopping $80. Traveled back to Novena to see what Grace has to show me - that cute ice cream boy. She brought me to this stall and there was a dude sitting there, stoning. Grace always behave very peculiarly infront of good looking people while I just stoned at everything she says. Trying too hard to appear normal and not like oh-look-at-that-guy is always unattainable. We just talk too much or too little.
note: I don't stalk cute guys and neither does Grace( for a very long time already)

(Grace: Thank you for clearing that up, i dont want people to think i go around staring at every guy i meet, lol and yes i demand a full explanation of what peculair things i do)

Well we were shopping weren't we? There is absolutely nothing wrong with walking past the shop for a few times! I mean, we need to walk right?

(me again: once, twice...do you think he'll notice if we pass by a third time??)

ok STOP STARING AT US we'll go we'll just freaking get out of your sight!

(me: okay i dont think he - HE'S LOOKING HERE?!?!)

hahah ok epic stalking day. The last look I saw on his face was something that read "I know you both are staring at me so I'm gonna stare at you with narrowed eyes until - AHAH! YOU JUST STARED AT ME! *narrows eyes further...*" before I pulled Grace out of the shop opposite and far from square 2. That's why I never try to look at people(cute or not) - I always get paranoid about getting caught when what I'm doing is totally normal."

i have to say, though, i totally did not see him when MF said he saw us. all i saw was the ice cream counter. totally wrong angle. MF, on the other hand, got the full blast of his squinty-eyed-w-suspicion gaze. lucky her, i bet it was cute. lol.

laughed real loud when i read her post. it was a cool experience, albeit a short one. i guess in time i'll remember it fondly, but for now it's bittersweet. More bitter than sweet, but time'll fix that :)

I have great friends, thank you Meifeng, for going with me and putting up with my nonsensical chatter and ice cream when you were sick.

Thank you Elizabeth for going with me and playing along so i could get a chance to talk to him. And for going back to get ice cream when you didnt want any so i could have another chance to ask what i didnt before, even though i didnt in the end but thanks for giving me that chance.

Thanks Yingyu, Kanika, Pris and Fiona for all agreeing to eat ice cream with me tmr (YY), Friday (k & p) and near future (fiona) when i work but it wont be necessary no more to buy ice cream. Visiting me upstairs will suffice.

And i guess i have to thank you, mystery ice cream guy whom i shall never see again, for giving me something to look forward to whenever i had shifts at novena. And for putting up with my probing chatter. And that napkin when you thought i'd like, gotten ice cream on my face. Lol, that was funny. But the lemon flavour WAS incredibly sour after the pink guava. Not to mention letting me try all those flavours without me asking. And most of all, most of all for letting me know you'll never be there again so that i wouldnt have to look around no more.

Thank you all :)

Initiate this

the story of "ice cream boy and korean girl" (as quoted by Meifeng) has come to a quick and abrupt end. life is strange that way. you go on in life just living, or in my case just functioning, and just when you think you know how everyday is gonna pen out, life throws you a curveball.

not that this curveball was an unwelcome one.

i dont know, im still not sure as to how i feel about it.
but i do know that i wish it werent true and i could just go back and he would still be there, even though that would've meant he lied.
but like i said, i dont know whether i would prefer his lying or his being honest and thus gone forevermore.

i have to stop talking about this now, let's talk about simpler affairs.

it's my last off day until school starts next monday. i have no idea how to spend it. i thought i might be sleeping in but i awakened almost 2hrs ago and couldnt get back to sleep so hey, i guess it's a first.

i had quite a few ideas about how i'd spend today:
- get my hair done at aunt's place
- get my eyebrows done
- watch a movie w friends (either Date Night or How To Train...etc)
- watch the movies i bought on monday at home, alone
- go to novena and spend the whole day hanging around, watching that place

since the last option is no longer an option (okay, it is, but i wont be seeing anything but everything im not looking for), obviously that's the thing i most want to do. even though i desperately need a haircut and eyebrow-job. because want and need are two very different things.

What i NEED is to rid myself of my split ends and hopefully revive my tresses. What i NEED is to shape my eyebrows into something less like an untamed mass of facial hair growing unchecked across my forehead. What i NEED to spend my last free day off from work for myself, doing something for myself and only myself.
But what i want is to look for him, and find him and...never lose sight of him again? i dont know. See, the thing about WANTS is that they always change. Needs dont change, they simply increase. But wanting is a whole different ball game.

This is when my friends would say, Come on Grace, so what? So what if you see him again? What are you going to say/do?
"I dont know you but i want to, and i hope we can be friends?"
That's completely true, by the way.
(although i really really wished i had the nerve to, last night, i did decide against asking his name and reason for leaving yesterday. i cant explain why i did that, but at the last minute something just held me back, told me not to.)

I dont even know his name. You would think that's the most basic thing to cover, but not when you've got two strangers around, you dont. when there're two strangers around what you think is that they must think you a complete nutcase and hopeless loser for trying to chat up the guy behind the ice cream counter.

Yes, im a coward.
Better you know that now then...when you expect me to take a bullet for you or whatever. Hah.
I probabaly would, though, take that bullet, because im crazy and impulsive and completely unpredictable. i suppose those traits are what i would chalk last night's encounter up to.

I know chatting up someone isnt even all that uncommon, but it is for me, okay? In fact im pretty sure it was my first time. And now, probably my last! Hahaha, the way life works.

I tried the usual pep talk, all the usual motivational quotes like, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?? IF YOU DONT DO THIS NOW YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE! IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE! DO IT OR YOU'LL ALWAYS ASK, WHAT IF...
and my personal favourite, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, DAMN IT! EVEN IF HE FLAT OUT SAYS YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND CREEPY AND TELLS YOU TO GET LOST, AT LEAST YOU'LL HAVE TRIED AND BEST THING OF ALL, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN OR HAVE TO WONDER WHAT IF.

that's the beauty of it, is it not? that either way, i'll never see him again.
of course, now that im analyzing this to bits i realize it would have been the best to just go the whole way and ask everything i wanted to know. because i'll never see him again anyway. but i didnt. because i thought, what's the point, i'll never see him again. and yes, now im stuck wondering.

it's not like i would have demanded much, just to be friends, hurhur im revolting, thinking so much about a person i hardly would call an acquaintance. all i did was see him for more than two weeks almost every time i worked. and all he did was look so cute i could melt from that squinty cute gaze.

i have to leave this place. ugh.

a fool's hope

forget it, he's not even here. There. Whatever. Total bubble popper. V reminiscent of back then, which is cool but disturbing.

All these nice outfits, makeup - wasted.
What if he's quit too, like his collegaue? I'll never see him again! Never! Omg. That's just beyond sad. Im not ready to relinquish that source of happy. But life is cruel. It's been 2 whole days. 2 days. Jeez this is so pathetic! Only 2days, which okay, wld be super short if you were off, but soooo long when you're working! It's just that ...oh i dont know. Let's just hope we see him again. Sigh.

ICB

ice cream boy ice cream boy ice cream boy :D

HEHEHE.

Hello you who'll never see this,
We work in the same building! Im v excited abt that. I have to walk past your shop everyday to get to work. You are cute. I am infatuated. I will buy ice cream from you whenever i see you. This is a stupid post. I am dumb.

Omggg.

goodbye.

the escape

wtf? WTF.
stabs self with blunt pencil.


you know, i have internet on my phone. i really should blog more often. but ah well, life is a series of meadering roads and one decision to do something will often lead you down a path that ultimately has nothing to do with your decision in the end.

that probably makes no sense, i dont know, i just made it up.

i tried, i really did.
i really, really did.
whatthefuck.

i got my first paycheck today.
im off to do some online shipping. at this late hour, it's the only form of therapy left available to me.

death, take me now.

stars stare stars

there were plenty of stars in the sky tonight :)

visible ones, i mean. they were so pretty i had to stop and stare.
it's not often one sees so many in the sg sky!
argh my stomach just rumbled, and spoilt the mood of my philosophical post lol.
i was just thinking how small we really are, how insignificant in the grand scheme of things. all these things we're doing...in the end does it even matter? what if the world were really to end in 2012? what then?

i think i'd just accept it and then well, get ready to meet my maker.
living is tiring y'know.
even with a good 9hrs each night, it's real tiring :)

okay enough with the deep mumbo jumbo, im sleepy. to quote Seph, drafting's a bitch. after class ended today i stayed til 9plus to finish and i think it's just the beginning of the late nights in school this month.
plenty scared by @jolenecrosses' (HAHA) tweets last month cos she was constantly leaving sch round midnight. scary much?

ah well. least now that there's the new road, cabbing home wont cost too much :)

im so scared. the world is so scary and we are all but one.
people are so complicated, so simple, and they are all different. but alike, somehow.
i dont understand why or how and im utterly terrified of this world. i kinda just wanna hide in my room and sleep it all away.
and i want to stop trying, because everytime i do i seem to miss something huge and instead make the worst mistake ever.
yes, im a coward. but im still trying, though i dont want to. because if i stop, i'll never live like i want to, ever.

im just plain, shit scared.
how do i live the way i want to if the biggest thing holding me back is myself?

push through, push through regardless of your wounds.

it's subjective, it's objective, it's bullsht.

so there was this one nice, special thing that was outta the ordinary, and you thought it was yours forevermore because of the way it was just so...uncommon.
it was..special :)
it was sweet :)
and it was yours and only yours :)

and then you know when something happens and you realize oh wait, it wasnt so special or exclusive afterall since it apparently happens with OH LET'S SEE, EVERYONE ELSE? and so all your hopes and dreams and rose-scented fantasies are crushed, crushed, tin can-flattened.

yeah i hate when that happens.

only a fool would continue to cling onto that one thread of hope that maybe it WAS special with you afterall, that maybe you were DIFFERENT, precious in some (insane) way. but not me, i was a fool long enough to find out only now :)

wtf is special anyway, when you think about it?
1. out of the ordinary, unusual or exceptional
2. appointed, arranged, designed for a particular purpose
HAH guess which. gawd, smart one, designed for a particular purpose of....i shall not spoil it for you.

anyHOO. i wonder if the others know?
never again.
never....again :))))