strangely enough the status is nvr two-way. when i need smth, its always "oh sorry i have this thing on" or when i want smth its "oh but i dont feel like it why dont you do this other thing instead"
and on the rare occasions someone else initiates smth and i push for details, its
"oh why must i decide everything, very irritating leh, i decide that thing can you go do the other things or not", which of course, sounds very fair, except i dont hear any complaints when i am the one to plan, organise and execute everything. then, you just sit around meekly and nvr think to say anth like "oh why must you organise everything can i decide on smth please"
i suppose when i do it, it isnt irritating at all, because i am oh i forgot, just as human as the rest of the world.
sure, i know its simply EASIER to LET someone else do all the planning, cos then all you hv to do is show up, huh. oh and planning is so troublesome, checking with everybody this and that, its easy to get tired of it. i sure know how that feels! seeing as i do virtually most of the planning (and i use the word 'most' loosely, as if i go thru all the past times we went out tgt, all of us i mean, it can be counted on one hand, and I am very sure I was the one who had to handle all the tiny details, never once having had any help, and not because i didnt ask for it, but because everytime i asked for smth, like an opinion, its OH ANYTHING LAH YOU DECIDE LOR) and everyone thinks its so easy breezy for me to do, all you need to do is plant an idea in Grace's head and she'll plan everything for you "oh grace let's do this tgt! ask so-and-so out also lah!"
oh okay, sure, it's not like I AM GOOD FOR ANTH ELSE ANYWAY!
and then, odd as it is, find i am always the one who has to pick up the pieces and solve everything whenever a problem arises, which is, by default, THE ORGANISER'S RESPONSIBILITY yeah, so duh, just leave it to grace. yet on the rare rare rare occasions someone else has planned smth and a problem comes up, "oh grace can you ask what happened? im so confused can you do it? okay bye!" sure, i can do it, but maybe i dont want to? i really am sick of doing all the work, why cant i just SHOW UP for once and not hv to do anth, to deal w anth? why do i hv to pick up the pieces? why do i have to solve every problem?
when i help ppl, its because i want to, not because i have to. yet, just cos i do it, doesnt mean i am EXPECTED to help, after all it IS your problem, and i am actually doing you a favour, so dont you go all sulky on me when i suggest other ppl to help you or tell you that i cant help you. and i absolutely hate it when ppl whine/sulk "then how?", i mean, HOW THE HELL DO I FREAKING KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KINDA COMPUTER TO YOU? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THE DATABASE TO AUTOMATICALLY AND EASILY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS? i mean, i use my brain like everyone else, so go use yours and think of a solution by yourself.
so sick of being used used used.
and its not like its by one person or two ppl or smth. its basically everybody i know. like, if you have the time to complain that no one has organised anth, then go do smth bout it yourself. when someone is kind enuf to plan smth, it does not mean that the person has to do it all the time. if you want to complain abt being forgotten, then stop sulking and be pro-active; make someone feel remembered and important and then next time you wont likely to be forgotten then, will you? jeez. instead of being completely selfish (i hate selfish ppl, who made you all impt anw) and refusing to attend someone else's bday party just cos no one rmbed yours earlier in the year. ugh. its truly disgusting. i mean, the person's your fren too!
the least you could do is be grateful when someone else does all the work, and then do it instead the next time round, instead of taking it for granted and sitting back in ease waiting for the next invitation.
used used used. do i have 'use me' tattooed across my head in bold? i dont understand. everybody freaking uses me.
dont use me as your punching bag, i didnt cause your problems. dont use me as your events organiser, i didnt sign up for that. dont use me as your last resort friend for company, i dont do that to you.
you know one other thing, like when someone impt to you asks you out, you're like okay. you make time for the person, and you reserve one day for him/her and stick to it. and when other ppl ask you out on the same day, you TELL THEM NO because you have other obligations, yeah. it annoys me to no end when you ask someone out and the person says, oh i dont know, i might hv smth on that day. and then u suggest another day and the same thing is said, with "i tell you again another day okay!" added (which usu nvr comes back btw). that's okay, but my point is why cant you just say YES and tell your other frens NO? am i that insignificant in comparison to everyone else? its like you're incapable of saying no to all your other frens except me. i wanna know why. do u take me for granted so much that you think i'll always be around, at your beck and call whenever, for whatever? i truly think thats the reason. and i detest being taken for granted. i hate hate hate it. if u think i'll always be around and thats why you can say no to me instead of ur other frens, then going by the same theory, you dont say no to them because they may not stick around? that is twisted.
i am so exhausted.
if i am so unimportant to you ppl, i dont see why i shdnt treat each of you the same way i am treated.
i never hated myself more than i did now. seems all i did in my sixteen years werent enuf, i am still a worthless piece of rubbish to ppl, and i've accomplished nothing in my life. im not as impt to anyone as they are to me, and that means i've not made any real special friendships.i am merely an acquaintance. turns out i am really just a waste of space after all.
and actually i think i've pretty much suspected myslf to be as such, for i now see all my attempts at making plans and organizing things as efforts to make myslf valuable in the eyes of others. i am so sickeningly insecure. and perhaps my plan worked, for thats all i seem to be good for, but then after that i seem to hv no other value, no other substance. i am worthless.
dont try to tell me otherwise, cause all the ways you ppl treat me just exemplifies my worth, i meant lack of. oops.
so please just leave me alone. i dont want you faking your niceties to me no more. just tell it to me straight. "grace, you are nothing to me"
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