The week that wasn't

this week blew past so fast im not convinced it has been a full week.

monday i left class at 6 on the dot. only to eat a quick dinner and go home (& spam watch HIMYM, 6 eps in one night is so good)

tuesday i left class again at 6 on the dot (what is the point?) and went to town to watch Easy A (OH YES finally.) w Huiting. i waited for this movie so, so very long. If you dont like this movie....i need to re-think our friendship. Just kidding.

wednesday. ah wednesday. the one day i stayed late in school, only to do nothing. not kidding. but we did show up for class in Pikachu hats.

thursday there was no class so i went to Chinatown and got fabric w friends, then got to sch in the pouring rain. The rain was so heavy i wasnt sure i would make it to City Hall to meet my friends by 6. i reached sch slightly before 5pm, got paper for paper patterns and left at 5.30, making it to town by 6.05pm.
where i was shocked to discover my first meetup with longtime friends was so not just a meetup with longtime friends. in short, i was surprised as hell and got as much out of the night as i get from class w Veron.

meh. i was awful company the whole night, which is not that much of a deviation from my usual behaviour these days. i am really bad at being social nowadays. it's like im a block of wood. a block of violently angry, stoic wood.

i wanted to apologize, but didnt feel all that sorry bout it, so i didnt. i might be an angsty bitch, but im a sincere angsty bitch.

friday came. went to class, left soon after it ended and headed to town to meet the girls for dinner. i was less disgusting than the night before, but nowhere near chirpy. and i have no idea why. i guess im just terrible company.

highlights of the week:
December allowance that is already half gone
getting into DOC as a GL. im a GL. lol.

The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - Everything With You



"Start off sometimes, now its our time
Are you with me? Are you with me?
Strange teenager, waiting for death at 19
Are you with me? Are you with me?"

Striving to be a better person, becoming worse everyday, but trying all the same
If i ever hurt or upset you, i probably didnt mean to.
Terrible at expressing myself, good at pushing people away.
IM A TEENAGER :D
best excuse ever.

also, i was PMSing.

Sunday Girl on Sunday

am distracted again. since it's Sunday, i thought i'd share one of my recent fave songs thanks to the Standard Culture playlists. the video below is a track by Sunday Girl, called Four Floors.

it really grows on you. a month ago i was like, hmm. now, im like, YEEEEAAAAAH.

hope it doesnt load too slowly.

oh i went to her site, Sunday Girl i mean, and it turns out she performed at the Ellie Goulding concert! I love Ellie Goulding. i wish more artists like these two were more popular so everyone can hear them and love them.

So Little Time

am currently visiting random blogs and listening to playlists from Standard Culture, tryna get inspiration for my 50 sketches!

i gotta have 50 sketches of kidswear for a little girl between the ages of 5 to 7 done by tmr. and i have barely started :(

the mood is

and the inspiration is

HAH im just kidding. that's the prob. i have little to no inspiration. i'd draw one outfit, then stone, then surf some sites, and draw another.

oh i just got a text. which reminds me of how i got woken up by Pearlyn (AGAIN) asking me if i wanted to stay over at her place tonight. the crazy girl! as though she's finished all her work.

actually, knowing her, she probably has.

credits to http://simetra-junkaholic.blogspot.com/2010/11/ewok-cat.html for the kitty pics.

Birds

Hi guys, im currently waiting for Huiting. i asked her out for lunch at 1.15pm and have since been waiting. it's been one and a half hours in total :(

okay i just called her and she said she'll meet me in ten min at the coffee shop.

i know watcha thinking. "i've heard that before..."

lol ok give her benefit of the doubt.

it's been a crazy fast week! i spent Wednesday and Thurs w Meryl, Pearlyn, Sammy and Charis at Pearl's new pad. We painted her walls.

if you look carefully you'll see the left and right side branches and leaves are of unequal thickness. that's cos Sammy had the fat brush and i had the fine one.

who's that below? i think Pearl and Charis.

our pretty lamppost looked has a little problem.

Kay peeps i gotta fly. it's gonna be 3pm in 1min and it takes me bout 3min to get to the coffee shop. i guess i've kept her waiting long enough?

Enjoy.

Sia - Clap Your Hands

A whole day to myself

Hi loves. This has been an awesome weekend with the terror mostly not at home and me enjoying a peaceful wkend at home. Ah, the sweetness.

Anyways i was thinking of how much DRAMA the past wk has come with! Do you not agree??

Let's recount:

1) Pink pregnant (yay)

2) Eva Longoria/Tony Parker spilt (:O how could anyone cheat on EVA LONGORIA??)

3) Jessica Simpson engaged SO SOON after ex husband Nick Lachey's engagement

4) Release of HP7 Pt1 worldwide

5) Prince William engaged to Kate Middleton!!

6) Ryan Reynolds Sexiest Man 2010 + star of Green Lantern (i just found out this wk)

(disclaimer: the next few items come from a biased me)

7) Lee DeWyze on various talk shows :D

8) Jake G & Anne H on cover of Entertainment Weekly, which reminds me of the supposed romance between Jake G and Taylor Swift.

Whew.

Btw, im a huge cartoon fan so i loved Justice League and Green Lantern was always one of my faves, so i really hope they dont butcher this film. But like, wasnt Green Lantern African-American in Justice League??? oh well, if there's a whole civilization of Green Lanterns...

Well at least im not hating the star. Like w some other Marvel superhero movies, which could only have been better w other leads.

i.e. Eric Bana in Hulk (sorry, not a big Eric Bana fan. i liked him in Troy, but in Hulk he wasnt all that believable as the big green guy) and *rolls eyes* Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. sheesh. in what universe is he believable as the friendly, neighbourhood Spiderman??? someone w more charisma shd hv done it.

ok sorry, im biased.

never was a fan of Kirsten Dunst, but srsly, Tobey as Spidey killed that film franchise for me. I loved the cartoons, though.

changing the subject, if it were true, i think Jake Gyllenhaal (gawd it's so long to spell imma just call him Jake G from now) and Taylor Swift make a really cute couple. They're just so different, visually and artistically (big time Hollywood films and country music? i only see the Brokeback link) that it's so cute. I really wanna see how this turns out.

If nothing it would still make great material for her next album.

Speaking of which, i still have not bought my music albums.

Having a total of $6 left for the rest of November does that to you.

here're some pics as homage to HP7 opening week!

Bonnie Wright! doesnt she look oh so spiffy? i think she looks awesome. the makeup makes her look so soft and feminine!

Emma Watson w her Burberry handbag. i LOVE this outfit. To me, Emma Watson constantly has fashion hits-and-misses, but this is one of the good ones.

Dont go hatin' on me, peeps, this is just my personal opinion. I just think tht she tends to dress a bit older than her years, and it doesnt always compliment her. But kudos to her for being brave! What's fashion without risk, right?

Maybe a post on that next time. Loving her pixie crop btw.

On a side note, thinking of doing something to my hair soon. When my December allowance rolls in, that is. im thinking lotsa lowlights, and a little bit of curl.

Love This

Okay this marks the start of a new blog type post. From now on i will try hard to overcome my laziness and actually blog pics, vids and other visual stuff so it's not all words okay.

And to prove my determination to make this work, here's one of my newest fave songs!

BE WARNED: I've been addicted ever since i first heard it bout two months ago. This may go on repeat on your music players for oh i dont know, forever.

Presenting!

Kill The Light by Kitten

I JUST SMILE

i dont believe you i dont believe you i dont believe that

leave me alone why cannot dont see anything that will remind me of it

no no no

why am i so fucked up i just want to cry :(

pathetic, pathetic, sad little person. i just want to forget. i just want to not think abt it at all.

how can i? do i slash myself? do i drug the brains outta myself?

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

okay. now we smile for the world. im grinning, see, SEE? *points at face*

:D

Of green curry and milk tea dates

Last night i went out with my cousins Kenneth and Kelvin for the first time tgt as a trio and it would suffice to say it was awkward. But at least we tried.

During food time (i cant rmb which, we ate 3x) Kelvin was asking me if i was familiar with the feeling of sometimes becoming melancholy and all emo-nemo.

me: "Yeah i know that feeling. Every month, during PMS! What's YOUR excuse?"

hah.

And when i got home, i spent an awesome night checking out some of my newfound fave artists and their music.

Which, i will share with you once i figure out how to post videos. Lol.

Til then, please mourn the early demise of my short-lived freedom.

Love from prison,

Grace

mistakes in the template

Hi i just realized there's been a typo on my blog template for like, almost a year and a half now. LOL either no one noticed (unlikely) or no one bothered to tell me.

well i didnt notice either, so one can hope.

hahahhha.

the snapping point

my life w my mother is just a never-ending rush of outrage, rage and irritation.

i hate being told what to do.

i will never do it.

why cant you fucking leave me alone? the bitch wont even leave me alone in the two weeks she's not even gonna be in singapore. fuck my life to the max.

FMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTM

what is the point of this post?

damn it, i planned to wake up early today to do some stuff before heading out to meet Kelvin for dinner but i woke up, rolled over, and saw the time : 2.56pm. FML.

ANYWAY.

i was supposed to help out at the Christian Dior show today but it'll last all the way into the night so i freaking said no. D:

see how awesome i am to my cousin? (he's rescheduled on me twice, but i couldnt reschedule cause it was really last minute notice lol. i found out last night past 11pm, way too late to reschedule. SADNESS TTM)

Huiting and i both agree that Mine is our fave Taylor Swift music video :) i went to sleep last night singing that song and woke up with it still in my head. freaky.

i hate wasting my life away.........

i hate youtube-ing my time away......................seriously need to stop clicking on links and watching videos. i spent the whole of last night watching winners of the MTV best video award videos for the past ten years. and some of the nominees. like seriously as though i have nothing better to do w my life? sheesh. and now i keep looking at covers for Mine cause i wanna hear it in acoustic and slower versions. STOP IT ALREADY, GRACE.

:)

Speak Now

Yknow i think the thing i love most about Taylor Swift is how her songs always tell a story. It's best you stop reading now if you're a Taylor Swift hater. Leave now or shut up and dont give me flak about this.

It's amazing that a 3 or 4min song can say so much. I cant say im a fan, exactly, but i do love her songs. Hmm. That sounds like a fan. Lol. I dont know, man, it dont feel the same to me.

Anyhow, i remember the first time i ever heard one of her songs. It was years ago, before her second album release. I was on a bus home from dance class - oh wait i remember now, it was early 2008. I was taking my Os that year, that's why i remember. So i was on a bus home, listening to the radio when i heard Ryan Seacrest announce that the next song was one of his favourites, blah blah blah (cant rmb what he said next, i hv terrible memory) and "Teardrops on my guitar" came on. So that was how i came to know Taylor Swift. And then of course, later that year her second album came out and it was so hyped up, you would've been living under a rock to not hear her.

I dont know what exactly it is about her songs that appeal to me, given that i cannot relate to some of her songs, but sure, i get them. I get the message behind them, and they're similar to how you feel sometimes (not the exact same words, but along the same lines) so i guess some songs i get. Like for example Fearless really touched me. The message of this song just got to me.

I guess Taylor Swift appeals to this little girl part of me where i've always been obsessed with pretty things and innocence and honesty and hope and faith and love and all that jazz sensibility has nothing to do with.

I bought her Fearless album January last year and it was on repeat for a while. If you were wondering, yes i do plan to buy Speak Now when it hits shelves October 25th. I suppose it does have something to do with the titles. Now, if you know me you'll know im a hopeless romantic, and there's just something so innately scary and completely awesome about "Fearless" and "Speak Now". it just screams TAKE THAT RISK YOU BITCH YOU CAN THANK ME LATER. You just get caught up in the possibility of maybe and what if. And that rush of adrenaline of taking a risk without knowing what's gonna happen next. And maybe, just maybe, not caring what happens next cause you got to do/say exactly what you wanted and now you know so who cares if you fall flat on your face?

Lol you have no idea how actively i had to refrain from typing fuck in that last paragraph. In my head it was like "And maybe, just maybe, not caring what the fuck happens next cause you got to do/say exactly what you wanted and now you know so who fucking cares if you fall flat on your fucking face?"

There's just something that calls to me about her songs. Like i said, i love the story bit. I've always loved a good story, and the many scenarios her songs shout just indulge the romantic side of me. I mean, i may be down to earth and all, but a girl can dream right? A girl can fucking dream.

I think it's sweet how she's unafraid to say how she feels. Brave. Which is why she can be a role model for kids. But all that happy ending fluff should come with a warning: LIFE DOES NOT PEN OUT THIS WAY LEST YOU'RE A LEPRECHAUN'S DAUGHTER. But other than that, awesome.

I just watched her music video for Mine and i loved it! Loved the video more than the song alone. Because that one line really, really touched me. Something about not making your parents' mistakes. Yeah that would be so, so, awesome.

Okay im definitely buying her album. I know Yiyin will too. Now i need to go rustle up some dinner, bye :D

Sentimental Monday

*WARNING: what follows is a very long, wordy sentimental post about my family, some friends, and some unresolved deep-seated issues. Do not read if impatient. Actually, do not read at all. I may have written this, but even i wouldnt read this if i saw this on a friend's blog. Like seriously? Get over yourself. LOL. Yeah that's what you would think if you read this, so take my advice and just, dont. Save yourself the trouble. BYE.

i was reading Meifeng's blog and saw her post abt the Minister Mentor's wife death and how it makes her reflect on her relationship w her grandparents and as i was reading it i realized i couldnt relate to it at all.

Given that i barely know my grandparents. Or rather, knew. My maternal grandfather died when my mum was a kid, and i was never close w my maternal grandma. God, if anything, i was the stereotype of grandkid from hell. Okay, i wasnt actually that bad, but i was rebellious and didnt understand her, so i just got angry at her instead. I was never actually mean to her, and i really appreciated her for her cooking, i just couldnt stand being alone w her.

She would sit on the sofa opposite me and stare at me. Just stare. I would be watching tv or whatever, but she would just stare at me the entire afternoon. I am not kidding. Like if i were to walk to the kitchen to get a drink, her eyes would follow me as i walk and everything. It was nothing short of creepy. And she did that every, single, time. Eventually i got frustrated and once, i stared back. I cant rmb what happened next, but it was unnerving. Luckily, she stayed w me and my mum for only a short while, or i may have exploded. I was an angry child. She passed away about two years ago.

My paternal grandfather died from diabetes when i was really young, and even when i was three i could only remember him in a wheelchair. I was just an ignorant kid, and he kinda scared me because he had only one leg. Diabetes. And then he died. I never knew my paternal side of the family much, given that i've seen them maybe five times my entire life? After my parents' divorce when i was three, i didnt see my dad's side of the family until when i was 16.

Under pressure from my dad, i promised to sneak away during CNY to meet him to go visit my paternal family. It was the most surreal experience i've had to date. It was like, im supposed to know these people, they're FAMILY, but i didnt. i didnt know them. i was family, but i wasnt a part of their lives. i was and wasnt. I called my paternal grandmother for the first time that year since i was 3.

Now my paternal grandmother is my only living grandparent, and we're not close. Unfortunately, due to my dysfunctional family, chances are we will never be. Can you imagine how it feels, though? To have a grand-daughter you havent seen since she was a toddler just reappear one year, all grown up, sixteen years old and you knew as much about her as a stranger on the street?

I dont fit in that side of my family. I dont know the cousins, and they mostly ignore me when i show up once a year during CNY. They must think im some money-minded kid, only showing up to get the red packets. and then disappearing like i never existed the rest of the year, only to reappear the next year again. The adults tolerate me, and the nicer ones attempt to talk to me, saying polite things like how often my dad mentions me. Sigh. At least the adults may guess that it aint my choice to be there only once a year.

Even now, my mum is adamant about me not seeing my dad's side of the family. she point-blank said no when i asked to go that year. it was always a no. i have asked a few times over the years, but it was no, always. her reason? she doesnt want me to see them for fear they will bewitch me, maybe force-feed me some poison about her or cast some black magic spell over me. I kid you not. I swear those were the reasons she gave me. well i assure you the only poison they fed me was the other side of the story, and the nagging feeling of having no true family.

I dont understand why she doesnt want me seeing them if she has nothing to hide, come to think of it. Anyhow, since 2008, i've always snuck away on the first day of CNY to visit my dad's side. I always pretend im gg to a friend's place. I have no ide if she's caught on yet, but i dont care anymore. A divorce is a divorce, but that shouldnt mean that i have to cut off ties w my dad's side entirely. Now, she has nothing against me meeting my dad, it's just the family she is against. But i cant imagine how it feels to have a kid and seeing her so little times a year, to barely even know her. And if what my uncles say is true, that he talks about me, well, how would he know? God, this sucks. I doubt he even has any pictures of me in the past ten years. Is it even possible for me to have a closer relationship w my dad? Or is it, like the way it is w my mum, beyond salvage?

Im not sure it would have been any better even if the court had granted my dad custody. See how much i detest my mum. I honestly dont want this, you know, to dislike my mother and to dislike my family. Friends often ask me, "Why do you hate your mother so much?" and it's never a question i can answer. It's one of those things you have to experience firsthand. There will always be people who dont understand, who will say i shd be grateful to her for raising me, to feeding me. Even now i cannot find the words to tell you why exactly my life w her sucks, or why i cannot stand her. But i guess i am resigned to a life of being misunderstood. Of being thought of as the ungrateful brat.

I guess she has hurt me, way too many times and too deeply for me to bounce back from. If i were to be completely honest, i do blame her (i mean, my parents). I blame her (okay, them) that i have only half a family. And even with my half a family, i have never been as close to them as i could have been. I blame her for that, too. Throughout my life, my mum has been bitching about me to my aunt (her sister) whenever we had a dispute. She would say, in loud tones that carry so i would hear and feel ashamed that the entire world knows, about my most recent unsatisfactory behavior. So the next time i saw my aunt, i would always wonder, is she judging me for my actions right now? is she sneering at me in her head right now? Thus i could never be myself in front of me, not after i was about 12 and cottoned on to the fact that my mum tells her everything, and not fairly, too. I mean my mother exaggerates a lot, and sometimes what she says or implies is downright cruel, and hurt me more than you can ever imagine, but i cant tell her that, can i? For one, she doesnt seem to realize other people, more specifically I, have feelings. And she doesnt seem to care about my supposed feelings either.

Anyhoo, other than my aunt, i have never been very close to the rest of the family, either. My cousins near my age are all guys, and we dont click. My other cousins are about thirty, thirty-ish, married and yeah we dont have much in common. I used to be insanely close to my male cousins, Kelvin, Kenneth and QiWen but.... well to put it simply, when i was about 10 there was a family argument that involved my grandma and the family was divided into two parts for several years. Unfortunately Uncle Raymond (father of Kelvin & Kenneth) and Uncle Simon (father of qiwen) was on the opposite side of that family argument, so i didnt get to see the cousins for a while. A while turned out to be the most crucial years of my childhood - the years when a kid becomes a teen, the growing years, the years one changes the most - so when the whole family thing was resolved, we'd all become teenagers, madly awkward around each other because we didnt know how to react around someone we should know yet didnt. Sadly, the resolve only came about because of my grandma's death, when the siblings (my aunts and uncles) finally realized how pointless and stupid their disagreement was now that their mum was gone. I was 16 then, my cousins were 14, 15, 17, 20 and 21. we'd all grown up. we could never turn back time again. the years in which we were supposed to grow up together and bond would never happen; would never be. we'd gone from playing happily tgt as kids to teenagers who didnt know shit about each other, and we didnt know what to do about it.

Oh there were attempts, certainly, between some of us, to fix things. Daniel (then 17) and i had talked quite a bit, given that we were both graduating sec sch that yr and abt to enter poly. I seriously thought we were gonna bond and like, become real family. But we ended up entering different polys, and because my phone got freaking run over by a bus, i lost his number. we still hardly talk now, both leading different lives. he seems to not really care whether or not we have a good relationship, and all the times i talk to him on facebook he agreed when i said we shd meet up and catch up, but these sessions never happened. Sure, it's both our faults that they never happened. But im so freaking ADRIFT that im surprised i can even get my shit tgt long enough to maintain current friendships, so dont even mention new ones. i dont know if i have the energy to forge new relationships, given my knack at ending them. Look at (dare i say it? because if i do, it makes it real.) Betty and Qian Hui.

Both used to be my best friends. My bestest, bestest friends in the entire world, and now we dont even keep in touch. It's a loss so fucking huge that i cringe every time i think about how close we used to be. I honestly think they were the 2 ppl who got how difficult my r'ship w my mum was. After all, Betty was the one i called in tears, so upset i couldnt even speak. She was the one i opened up to during my darkest hours (pardon the drama). and in turn, i was the one she called whenever she and her mum fought. and Qian Hui was the one who once hid under my bed and witnessed firsthand how dysfunctional my r'ship w my mum is. I rmb once, when my mum threw me out, i called her to ask if i could crash at her pad that night, and w/o even asking why, she said yes. That kind of unquestioning support is something i treasure so much now, because i realize it's effing rare and actually impossible. Well impossible now, cause i dont have any friends i could ask of that favor these days. Come to think of it, i dont know how or when, but i've changed so fucking much in the past 3 years that that old Grace seems a stranger. Was there really a time when i told someone everything, every single thing, that happened to me? When i confided everything? Nowadays i dont seem to share anymore. I dont share anything that happens to me. And on the rare occasions i do, it's to the first person i talk to immediately after the incident, and i vent once, then bury the residual emotions and can never speak of it again. I dont share. oh my god. i dont talk to my friends anymore, and they dont talk to me. im fucking strangers with my so-called best friends! can they be called best friends if you no longer know the first thing about them? i used to talk to Yiyin. i dont anymore. Ha, ha, ha. Except for inexplicable bursts of raw emotion at Christmas, these guys dont see much sharing out of me. Yes, Besties, im talking about us. Gawd i hate me. i hate my life. But i fucking digress. i was talking about my family.

Aside from Daniel, Kelvin and i have tried repeatedly over the past two years, to reconcile our friendship. A meet up has been in the works since February, and finally, (Thank God) happened in August. Was it august? or late july? It's a budding relationship. And sadly, i feel like after our first meetup we havent shared much. Years of catching up cannot be done in one session, dear cousin, we need to talk more. Of course, im mad thankful we still meet up. I've been almost obsessive about arranging meetups. Luckily, i think we're almost friends now. I say that because sometimes it still feels like he feels obliged to meet me, which sucks cause i want him to want it. Im sorry im so fucking emotional, but i cant help who i am. We're meeting this Friday. It's a small victory in the big floaty space of my relationships w people. I kinda suck at them. Huh, and i used to think i was a people-person. What a joke.

If you were wondering, yes, i do feel all this family issues descended because of my mother and all the mistakes she has made, unintentionally or otherwise. Which is why, i totally feel like the kids suffer for what the adults did. We, the younger generation, the cousins, shouldnt have to be estranged because our parents are. Or rather, were. You see, the adults might have been able to fix all their problems when they made up in 2008, but us, the kids, could never find a footing in each others' lives. The adults had many more years of history and shared affection than we did, they were siblings, for goodness sake, so of course it was easier for them to kiss and make up. But us, how could we include someone in our lives after not having them in it for so many? We've grown up, we've changed. We dont fucking know each other.

Maybe my cousins dont feel as strongly about this as i do. It's highly likely they dont, because i dont they feel as lost as i do. Daniel has his brother, (insert pause, cause i dont fucking know his English name, that's how pathetic we are, i only know him by his childhood name) Zun Zun. LOL. Brothers. Lucky them. Kelvin and Kenneth are brothers. And although QiWen is an only child like i am, i know from his dad (uncle simon) that they share a pretty close relationship, given from what i heard from Uncle Simon the last time i met him. A close parent and child relationship. Huh. I wonder how that's like. It's like everyone has somebody to confide in, to always be there for them. Even though i heard on the grapevine that Daniel and Ah Zun arent close, i know they'll always have each other no matter what because for God's sake, they're blood brothers! throughout the course of life no matter what the other does, it can never change the fact that they grew up together and know each other as innately as no one ever will know the other. And even though i know firsthand from Kelvin that he and Kenneth arent close, i still am insanely envious. Because Kelvin cares about his brother in a way i know no one else will. I mean, he said he wouldnt mind caring for his parents enough for the both of them should it come to that in the future, and he doesnt blame Kenneth! i mean, he even told his folks to let Kenneth be and do whatever he wants! How awesome is that? Unquestioning support. And FYI, Kelvin is the younger brother. It kills me that he's so sensible. I know i could never be.

Envious. That's what i am. Insanely, madly, intensely envious. I want a brother, too. I want a sibling i know i can count on no matter how badly i screw up. no matter how i choose to lead my life, to have someone support me. Sigh. I hate being an only child. I feel so disgustingly, utterly alone. Maybe that's why i crave love so badly. Love as in The One. yknow, that crap they feed you about true love and how it's supposed to solve all your problems. yeah. im pathetic and desperate enough to buy into it. and im like, the biggest fucking cynic of my friends. What does that say about me? Im bitter enough for eight people and so cynical that i cant take a good natured act for what it is (i always question the motive, thanks Mum, i rmb there's no such thing as a free lunch) and yet i buy the biggest crap there is out there: love. UGH. im sorry, guys. i do actually believe there is someone out there for everyone, and that love does exist, but not for me. because i fully believe that there are just some people who get passed over in the course of life, and im one of those. i mean, it just makes sense that some gotta lose so the others see what they've got, right? not everyone gets a happy ending, otherwise it wouldnt be called a happy ending, just an ending, since everyone would get the same thing. That would explain why i want it so much. They always say you want what you can never have, after all. And the one thing i want more than anything, is to love with my whole being and be loved back. UGH. sorry, i cant help it, i just think it's so fucking disgusting of me. i mean, come on. Seriously? lol.

so you see, that's kinda why i've always wanted a big brother. and a big sister. to take care of me. to watch out for me. and that's why i dont wanna fuck up my friendship w Kelvin. i entertain no illusions that he could be the big brother i never had, cause i get the feeling we're way past that, but maybe he could still be what he's always meant to be: my cousin. my family.

Gawd, this certainly turned out to be a big ball of sentimental. I never meant for it to be so long or...emotional. Sorry, if you read the entire thing and think what a crackpot i am. But i dont regret this post; it seems to be the first real sharing i've had in a long, long time. Even if it is to my computer, an inanimate object. Just goes to show you how sad i am. Like, LOL JEEZ YOU CANT EVEN FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO? OLOLOLOL. oh come on, a little self-deprecating is always amusing.

when you're happy & you know it

awesome weather, much! bubbling w happy.

finished final report! sent to name twin Grace but late. sorwweeeee.

list of things i wanna do in hols:

pack room

buy furniture

make money appear

shop

job optional

list of people i can ask out: (BYE JC PIPOZ CYA ON THE OTHER SIDE! OF OCTOBER.)

cherylfsy zecrystal mirabell

huiting

pearlz sammy dubbysephy anzy charizzz etc

michelle mong!!!!

kelvin ^^

MINSHAN HI I NEARLY FORGOT YOU :D

okay i got no more fwens.

HAHA have lah imma dinner w meryl cos she's lives even nearer than huiting! IKR :O :D

and i prolly shd meet Daniel smalleater cause well, I BEEN PLANNING TO!

"I USED TO HAVE THIS APPETITE FOR MY LIFE"

"IM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP W MY PIZZA"

random quotes i heard from the EatPrayLove trailer. so true! huiting and i had relationships w our pizzas on friday. it was legendaryWAITFORITdary! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH ok i need to go watch that episode again.

(hi non-existent readers, i make twenty seven references to How I Met Your Mother a day so yer might wanna reminder that whenever you read smth you dont quite get. esp if the nxt sentence goes HAHAHAH or LOL cos...it's just awesome like that ^^)

e=mc2 i need energy

'sup babes! it's finally freaking hols. do i hear a woot woot?? :D

am sleeping on sofa tonight cause...well i'd rather not talk bout it. but we'll make it an adventure. whee!

met Maeve today (hi meifeng! sudden urge to call you maeveeeeeeeeee teehee!) after the longest time, yay! i really cant rmb when the last time was but i think it was at the start of my prev hols, which was 1 mth 2 wks a-go. a-goo. agold. LOL am high from idk what poison.

allureofthelushh is mad old! have not updated in donkey years, existed since before avril went blonde (i think...) and i went BAMF!BOOMBLOB.HIFATNESS

:D teehee that was fun!

resolution: update aotl more oft, and do smth w the background. gawd, grace, gawddde.

HOMG I DIGRESS.

out w maeve, yessirree.

(exciting note! mum gave me $ to buy an illustration bk, finally!!! my first, outside sch. and i call myslf a yr2 adm-er =.=)

wow my thoughts are all over the place. it's like i have ADHD or smth. Elizabeth said im bipolar. nooo, im just wired wrong, that's all.

BACK TO MF. let's see how many times i gotta do this before the entire story comes out.

mf & i had possibly the most productive studying/work sess we've ever shared in the HISTORY OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, which is erm let's see...in its 6th year now. yep sec1 fwens. we shared a geeky insane love of InuYasha (more specifically, Sesshoumaru! *cue dopey sigh*) and...idk, but we hit it off despite little in common otherwise. pretty different now, cause we have quite a few things in common these days, but we still hit it off (UNLESS IT'S UNREQUITED LOVE, MAEVE???) so yay! anw. the productive work sess. i was super hardworking! i started work the moment i reached and get this, REQUESTED TO EXTEND WORKTIME.

:O

I KNOW RIGHTTTTT.

and i totally didnt disturb mf at all. if anth, i was more focused than her! (ok maybe not. same same.) anyhoo, after which we went on my book hunt! rmb the bk imma buy? yeah i had to go check for stock and cheapest prices so mf kindly went w me. NOW, SOME BACKGROUND INFO.

usually, whenever i go out w mf, yingyu, minshan etc, im the overdressed one. not cos im OTT, but cos these ppl casual TTM, like ask them wear nice clothes costs money like that. which is sad. moment of silence to mourn this, please.

TODAY, however.

jangjangjanggg. mf didnt outdress me, but she went OTTT. HEELS. heels. on a day twas to be filled w walking. first i admired her for it, then i pitied her, and eventually i laughed at her. well only a little, and only cos she took little girl steps, but i wasnt mean. nope.

we hit borders, then kino! and and, we saw Kite! kite working there!!! i sad now. why she nvr intro me!! and she say pearlyn also there. :(

then cherylfsy came to find us! i miss cherylfsy, so long nvr talk to her! & whenever see her in sch also no time to talk. sian. cherylfsy came to lend me her card. so nice right! aww. anw im totally asking bell, zecrystal and cherylfsy out so we can riot.

by kino, mf was dying in her heels. little practice and small shoes makes for a painful walk in the....yeah you geddit. so we bus-ed down to Basheer and lo and behold! they didnt have the bks i wanted =.= they did, however, hv the bk i lusted for. which i am now, apparently, going to own because Mum gave me the money!!! she didnt say yes, she was just like, gg to help in schwork is it? then gave it to me. because yeah, it is for sch. my illustration skills could use the boost.

then it was 6.30 & mf left for home. i went to national library to meet cloud and friday for group meeting. meh, report writing. twas uneventful, cause, come on, it's school work. am i right, am i right? *raises hand* and i was pretty tired by then.

F1 night race made it impossible to check bus timings when gg home, so i waited stupidly for the bus. 20min, again. like earlier in the morn.

i remembered last year this time when Michelle, Ashley, Tree, Alicia, etc rojak gang were in town too, also F1 race day. i went home by the same route w Huiting and we had an awesome talk which was unexpected cos i...didnt expect it? haha. tried to get Meryl or huiting to watch me nomz but fail so i went home to eat then....i left house again after dinner (tht was bout 11pm) and wandered aimlessly til midnight and wasted time feeling lousy til now. Hi, we've caught up to present time, so untie that bow, will ya? hurhur, not funny.

yawnnnnn. supposed to send report to grace teo but i havent finished editing yet. grace didnt go for meeting cos she was in bad mood just now, so i guess she'll understand that i havent sent cos im upset? ah well it's not like she'll hv much to do anyway, i pretty much did it all already. yay me! lol. no, i didnt just collate the report. i did write most of it. well the parts that required writing, anw. that would be the executive summary til....wow ok pretty much the conclusion. the appendixes not by me so yay.

ah, meifeng. meet up soon ok! i wanna show you the nails i want. exciting! ok gonna crash now unless i red bull and edit the report then send to grace aka name twin.

but first...maybe some music to wake me up.

How did we get so mean

am in sch library doing work :)

i was abt to leave arnd 4.30 but then i figured then i wld reach home at like 6, bathe, hv dinner, slack and start work NEVER so it was better to just stay til 6 +, 7 and then leave after doing some shitzxz.

and imma start as soon as i finish blogging :D

see, i cant work w/o doing a to do list first. it's like im not able to function. so here i go, trying to function.

To Do:
1. ppt for pcomd and send to cloud
2. evening bag sketch for pcomd
3. research for why this sketch
4. draw final draft for fig drawing/edit present draft
5. draw final for fig drawing
6. begin painting either today or tmr morn

YAY. okay let's go. Fighting! :D

lol i just removed the keyboard protector from my laptop and the sound increased by like 20%. gawd.

you used to hold the door for me now you cant wait to leave
you used to send me flowers if you fucked up in my dreams
i used to make you laugh with all the silly shit i did
now you roll your eyes and wake away and shake your head
when the spark has gone and the candles are out
and the song is done and there's no more sound
whispers turn to yelling and im thinking
how did we get so mean?
how do we just move on?
how do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone
is it cause we wanna be free?
well that's not me
normally im so strong
i just cant wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
knowing that forever wont be

im always sentimental when i think of how it was
when love was sweet and new and we just couldnt get enough
the shower it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired
you know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
and all you think about is all the fun you've had
and all those sorrys aint never gonna mean a thing
how did we get so mean?
how do we just move on?
how do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone
is it cause we wanna be free?
well that's not me
normally im so strong
i just cant wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
knowing that forever wont be

i know we said some things that we can never take back
it's like a train wreck, trying to hit the right track
we opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
but we should've drank it down when it was still sweet
it all goes bad eventually

now do we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
we got so used to this abuse it kinda feels like home
but my baby i just really wanna know
how did we get so mean?

Mean, P!nk

i freaking LOVE this song! the tune is so catchy. ok i just really love her Funhouse album, even now, 2yrs later.

hi again

reached home early again! omg im really getting used to this.

hungry two hours after meal AGAIN omg what is WRONG w me?!?!
this is really not normal! i mean, i eat a lot, but not this much at this insane pace!!!!

the shorts i bought last week came in the mail today. well postman (nice postman) left it at the door for me in this nice black bag. yay! i hate gg down to collect it myself. anw the shorts look really nice on the site but i look like a freaking dinosaur in them. im a hipposaurus.

seriously. imma go search for hippo pics now so i can compare me w it. so gross that it's actually kinda cool.
hahaha.

so grace, what is today's to do list?

- survey 10 ppl (DONE, now waiting for replies)
- think of company name
- fig. drawing final pc research, background and pose (inspiration needed, might take a while. i got nothin'.)
- aging is beautiful competition sketches

yep that's it, i think.

imma start w....laundry.
wow it seems im forever doing laundry. well i cant help it. i wear clothes everyday. and im forever behind on laundry cause i get to it like once a week so the fuss-free tank tops are forever missing.

i also really wanna bathe but the water now is just too hot.

oh yes, i also have to tell daddy about my recent expenses. so that i can claim some $ fr him. because let's face it, $80 aint gonna get me through 2weeks. yes, that's how much i have left of my allowance :(

$80 aint gonna cut it, with the way i'm eating today. imagine if i was gonna eat like this everyday. i would actually have to eat the regular 3 meals a day thing! yesterday i only had one meal and it was plenty. so whyyyyy am i sucha pig today???? im so hungry, i need a sandwich.

brb.

mmm. sandwich gooooood.

the process of design - alotta bullshit

im in class now waiting to be struck by an idea. any idea.

ooh it's noon. time to end class and go for the other class.

classsssssssss.

i want holidays! i so need to pack. EVERYTHING.

it's like im constantly stuck otherwise.

charis is trying to get mentioned on my blog. go away. lol she was butting my laptop.

anw. yes. everything seems to start w and come back to the packing.

i am a hoarder with ocd. i think.

hols in 10days! *bounces up and down in excitement*

speaking of excitement i wanna paint my nails and bling them w..... oshit i have no bling. mehhhhhhh.

SUN SHINE, LEH.

HI! *BEAMS*

i am like, fucking strange and on a side note, happy.

came home early again. been home an hour and i've done absolutely fuckin' nothin'! and that, makes me want to scream, YAY! because for once i do not have a freaking submission the very next morning.

i only have to finish the stooooooooooopid survey thing, send it to all my members, survey ten ppl between 20-30, and search for a background and pose for my fashionista. eh. yep. no submission.

gawd, to do lists are depressing.

oh i bought a cheesecake.

i finally did what i've always wanted to and bought an entire cake so i can stuff my face whenever.

the cake sucks though. well first it was okay, then it was awesome, then it sucked.

ah, the wisdom that passes through my lips.

hi meifeng, im still here:
i know everyone has abandoned poor blogger, but i come back all the time. and i totally lost all my links so i dont even have to care that i care abt the lost links. awesomeeeeeezxzxz.

weird thoughts which i really wanna act on:
burn my room. alternatively: pack. no i prefer to burn it. faster.
BUY AN ENTIRE CAKE. EAT THE ENTIRE CAKE. (i see i can strike this off)
sneak a cat into the house and keep it til the mother finds out.
finish the pkt of all butter choc chip cookies beside me on the table.
bathe.

*
OMFG WILSON CHOO JUST TEXTED ME. us, i infer. OMFG WILSON JUST TEXTED US TO REMIND US TO DRAW OUR SKETCHES FOR THE COMPETITION. fuck. a submission.
i must draw clothes for grandmother and grandchild. i have NO ideas.

okay i need that cake now. or the cookies.

you're just like a pill and my head hurts

okay now im pissed. who said YOU get to decide? bitch. dont act like im not a part of it you huge galloping horse.


gawd i guess some people dont change. sure they say they do, but we all say alot of things.


fucking hell. i guess this is the end. i'll stop now.

on to other things.

i WILL say what i feel about the whole birthday things. birthdays things. birthdays thing. no point keeping it to myself. no point being in a disgusting relationship. i WILL ask whats the big deal about this particular time of year that deserves celebration more than any other time of the time. i will NOT care about consequences. to hell with them consequences. who fucking needs to think, anyway.