watch this

Best Coast - Our Deal ('official' Music Video)

i love this music video for so many reasons.

A) directed by Drew Barrymore, wow

B) Chloe Moretz

C) Best Coast

D) Tragic love story? THE BEST KIND.

have not been able to stop raping the replay button.

crazy yes dumb no

the title might just sum up all that i am perfectly :)

still loving this cover by The Naked + Famous after so long.

yknow i really should be sewing up my pants for submission now but instead im sitting in the studio, wasting precious time. not good.

although submission's monday, i really shouldnt be procrastinating! i cant wait to try on my pants. i managed to reuse the fabric i used for my men's pants, which is awesome cause the unused pile of fabric at home is about to reach the ceiling, and i really havent room to store much more.

i am so going to need more storage boxes and a whole walk in closet when i start my Final Year Project later this year. Imagine the fabrics i'll use! Jay said we'll die if we do multi pieced outfits we can work very fast.

Well fast isnt exactly a word i'd use to describe me :D

but i love separates! jackets, cover-ups, throwovers, layers, i love them all!

i am petrified about FYP and only a little bit less scared of internship.

like i previously mentioned, i'll be interning at Zhai starting 1st August for 3 months, and i am really starting to freak out!! what if i dont measure up? what if i screw up? what if what if what if??????

:<

on a happier note, Harry Potter is out today.

TODAY.

TODAY!!!

All imax shows are fully booked til next week though, not that im complaining given that i've no money to go see it. But im looking forward to seeing it soon!! I MUST GET MY POTTER FIX. although we all know it's the redhead Grint i want to see.

AND THE HOGWARTS FIGHT. oh my gosh the Hogwarts fight. i could weep just thinking about it.

But enough dawdling. My pants await me.

It's back to sewing now!

Vampire smile

Recently obsessed over Kyla La Grange!

she's been in my playlist for awhile but i have periods whereby im just obsessed over certain songs and replay them over and over again so i kinda "rediscover" songs in my itunes all over again haha.

But OMG i used to be like, meh when i listened to Kyla but it grew on me and now im like HELLYEAH REPLAAAAY

im fucking in love with her lyrics and soft folksy tone of her voice.





lyrics taken from her facebook page.

i need to go cry now, she's so freaking amazing i am overwhelmed.

**edited

okay im back because i cant freaking get over how obsessed i am over the lyrics, and i realised the pic's kinda small so if you cant see, i've typed it out for you.

Vampire Smile

Baby you need to leave
Cos im getting drunk on your noble deeds
It doesn’t matter that they never get done
When I feel this cold they’re like the fucking sun
Baby I need a friend
But im a vampire smile you’ll meet a sticky end
And here im trying not to bite your neck
But it’s beautiful and im gonna get
So drunk on you and kill your friends
Then you’ll need me and we can be obsessed
And I can touch your hair
And taste your skin
And the ghosts wont matter cos we’re high on sin

Baby you have a choice
Cos you burn my ears with your magic voice
Im a paper doll, you can tear me up
We’ll be the broken lovers with the poison cup
And we’ll draw in breaths, like we don’t have air
Oh god look at me don’t you even care
That im dying in the cupboard underneath the stairs
Steps stomp on above my head

Baby you’re cruel to me
But don’t you see I love it when you make me plead
But I want a scar that looks just like you
Til then I’ve got to learn to be a wiser fool

Baby you need to leave
And I know you know; that’s why you keep
Ignoring me, because if you don’t
Gonna run me down
Let myself go

i swear she's a genius. how can she sum up these feelings so nonchalantly and awesomely???? i am spazzing in amazement. i need to like print these lyrics out and paste them on my wall or something.

have a harry july

hello dearies, it's the morning (or night) before school starts for my last block at school prior the internship and im reluctant to go to bed cause i dont want the holidays to end :<

however a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do so after this post imma be a good girl and head off to dreamland.

it's July now, and im not sad to see June go because the heat was really getting to me. I love summer as much as anyone but truth be told, I cant wait for fall/winter collections to be out in stores!! I've always had a weakness for A/W collections esp since i ADORE knits. so i say goodbye to the Great Singapore Sale with only one purchase (CLOSE YOUR MOUTH PEOPLE, IT'S TRUE) and await not-so-patiently the arrival of A/W collections!

the weather has been hinting at rains and cooler days which i hope is not a lie because how else can i wear my beloved long sleeved jackets, tops and sweaters?

and other than the allure of lower temperatures, July brings with it.......the release of the final movie in the Harry Potter series *sniff*. It's been a long time coming and I for one am having a love-hate feeling about watching it cause well, it's the end of it, forever!

feeling sentimental about it, i indulged in my favourite holiday ritual last week and re-read the books, and cried my eyes out all over again. it was just like I rmbed it, book 7, it was a whirlwind of non-stop action from the Malfoys til the end.

i'm looking forward to seeing Rupert Grint do more in the film cause well, he's such a good actor and i just love watching him portray Ron Weasley.

sigh. out in theatres July 14. I better be wearing waterproof mascara when i go watch it with the girls.

on a happier note, im eagerly anticipating the release of the A/W 2011 Aldo shoes photoshoot! Lily Donaldson is gonna be in it, just like S/S 2011, but i secretly prefer Jessica Stam, although im biased cos Jess Stam is one of my fave models. Lily D., is really pretty though and i have nothing against her, and i cant wait to see the shoot! Again, it's shot by Terry Richardson and this is the only pic i could find on the net. For now, anyway. I hope they're released soon!

teehee, look. Bunnies! Cue "awwww" :)

i havent packed my bag for school and i certainly havent found a first-day-back outfit :(

wish i had some preppy outfit planned but i really dont, which is sad.

okay gonna leave y'all with a cute vid of a giant spider terrorizing people. this song was featured in last year's Aldo Jessica Stam video. super cute song.

goodnight! :)

Oh June! Where did April go? Is May there too?

hello my imaginary friends!

i realised i keep promising to keep up with posts then spam for a few days, then disappear for a few months. that is sad.

:(

i really am disgustingly busy with school thus the prolonged absence, boohoo.

im a senior in school now, btw. im a third year student! and im only a 6weeks away from my internship. yes, i am going to be an intern. and i already have a company! can you believe that?? a company actually wants (or doesnt particularly mind) me as their intern!!! HAHAHA gawd i hope i dont screw up. oh if you're interested the company's this local brand, Zhai, which does eco clothing. Bamboo, to be specific. They're a really young brand, only bout 18 months old, and im really excited about interning there.

i admit it's not exactly my dream internship but come on, how many of us get that the first time round? i think i already got real lucky w Zhai cause i get to help the brand grow as they're so young! teehee.

anyway i've been spamming music vids on my fb account lately instead of posting here oops.

so much has happened since my last post in March!! there was camp, and then camp again, and then the whirlwind of school that started brewing in March and exploded into a tornado of work recently with all my portfolio preparations, photoshoot, and interview. now the worst of it has passed and i just finished my final presentation for my current module (and i DO mean JUST, like i literally started typing this post 5seconds after i finished presentation) but i kinda feel like im in the eye of the hurricane where there's temporary calm (AKA my 2wk break from school) and then BAM WHAM KABLAM it's even worse than before!!

yeah after my 2wk holiday i got another month of crazy 2module block (morning class AGAIN, COME ON) and a sewing one at that so you just know it's gonna be a whole-day-in-school-everyday kinda block. and the other module's basic Jap so idk if that's good or bad.

as with all languages im insanely scared i'll fail like i do at math, and im gonna be terrified everytime there's a quiz or worse, when it's time for the role play.

damn i hope i know some people in my class else it's gonna be like sad and awkward. imagine Barney Stinson saying awkward when you read that last sentence, so it's all like high pitched and dragged out. AWKwaaaard......

speaking of which! i havent watched a single episode of HIMYM since ep15 w Katy Perry so i've got an awesome marathon awaiting me! :D

and *insert drumroll* im also gonna post my portfolio photoshoot up here so fwensies (LOL I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT.) can see it. my carbonmade and shownd sites are great, but i've run out of pics on carbonmade, and shownd wont let me post bigger than 3mb -.- and yknow me, im lazy as hell to resize them HAHA so instead imma just post...them......here?

hmm it just occurred to me that may actually be more work hahahahhaa jeez im such a lazy ass.

actually yknow i've been more busy in the past few weeks than possibly my entire 2 and a half years here in design school. ok it's not just that there's been more on my plate than just 2 modules, but also that i've been working my ass off more in the past 2months than ever before.

i've actually not did things with the "heck care luh just get it done" attitude but instead tried my best and got some results. and im really happy cos for once i can say i worked really hard for it.

okay it's not like i havent worked hard for ANYTHING in the past 2yrs, i have, but i've been like, CONSISTENTLY PRODUCTIVE in the past 2mths as compared to before when i'll just be "on" for a while then it'll die off. very flaky, yknow?

i just...im proud of me, which is rare and generally a miracle. so, yay me, bimbotic as that may sound :)

okay i'll leave you with my portfolio link, which you can view if you're bored/interested/looking for something to hate on. okay actually dont view if you're the last option. it still isnt perfect, but im working on it so yeah.

toodles for now :)

my first 2011 post

wow, can you believe it's been over 3months since my last post?

amazing.

anyhoo.

as Nylon says,

Getting to know a new band is a lot like accepting a random Facebook request: A mutual friend goes a long way.

so it seems over the past six months i've made a lot of new friends. except in my case we have no mutual friends :(

so im a noob, so idk how to link the video (i cant find it on youtubeeeeee) so watch this video HERE!

The Cults with "Go Outside". cute, huh? and who doesnt love Emma Roberts??? i so love how she goes back into the tv. it's like she's a fairy who appears in your life for a little while and makes it all better, but she cant stay cos she gotta go make someone else's life a little bit better, too. AWWWWWWW.

it's one of my first few fave songs since my musical tastes started evolving last year. and when i say evolve, i mean i became more open minded to listening to previously unheard of songs from new bands. i used to be a strictly mainstream kinda girl. "what you hear on the airwaves only". now i know how crazy i was. hello! the best stuff is online these days. gawd im slow. yes.

okay, im currently typing this during class. consultation w lecturer in a bit.

what class am i having?

Communicating Design Arguments.

sounds fun, huh?

sigh.

The week that wasn't

this week blew past so fast im not convinced it has been a full week.

monday i left class at 6 on the dot. only to eat a quick dinner and go home (& spam watch HIMYM, 6 eps in one night is so good)

tuesday i left class again at 6 on the dot (what is the point?) and went to town to watch Easy A (OH YES finally.) w Huiting. i waited for this movie so, so very long. If you dont like this movie....i need to re-think our friendship. Just kidding.

wednesday. ah wednesday. the one day i stayed late in school, only to do nothing. not kidding. but we did show up for class in Pikachu hats.

thursday there was no class so i went to Chinatown and got fabric w friends, then got to sch in the pouring rain. The rain was so heavy i wasnt sure i would make it to City Hall to meet my friends by 6. i reached sch slightly before 5pm, got paper for paper patterns and left at 5.30, making it to town by 6.05pm.
where i was shocked to discover my first meetup with longtime friends was so not just a meetup with longtime friends. in short, i was surprised as hell and got as much out of the night as i get from class w Veron.

meh. i was awful company the whole night, which is not that much of a deviation from my usual behaviour these days. i am really bad at being social nowadays. it's like im a block of wood. a block of violently angry, stoic wood.

i wanted to apologize, but didnt feel all that sorry bout it, so i didnt. i might be an angsty bitch, but im a sincere angsty bitch.

friday came. went to class, left soon after it ended and headed to town to meet the girls for dinner. i was less disgusting than the night before, but nowhere near chirpy. and i have no idea why. i guess im just terrible company.

highlights of the week:
December allowance that is already half gone
getting into DOC as a GL. im a GL. lol.

The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart - Everything With You



"Start off sometimes, now its our time
Are you with me? Are you with me?
Strange teenager, waiting for death at 19
Are you with me? Are you with me?"

Striving to be a better person, becoming worse everyday, but trying all the same
If i ever hurt or upset you, i probably didnt mean to.
Terrible at expressing myself, good at pushing people away.
IM A TEENAGER :D
best excuse ever.

also, i was PMSing.

Sunday Girl on Sunday

am distracted again. since it's Sunday, i thought i'd share one of my recent fave songs thanks to the Standard Culture playlists. the video below is a track by Sunday Girl, called Four Floors.

it really grows on you. a month ago i was like, hmm. now, im like, YEEEEAAAAAH.

hope it doesnt load too slowly.

oh i went to her site, Sunday Girl i mean, and it turns out she performed at the Ellie Goulding concert! I love Ellie Goulding. i wish more artists like these two were more popular so everyone can hear them and love them.

So Little Time

am currently visiting random blogs and listening to playlists from Standard Culture, tryna get inspiration for my 50 sketches!

i gotta have 50 sketches of kidswear for a little girl between the ages of 5 to 7 done by tmr. and i have barely started :(

the mood is

and the inspiration is

HAH im just kidding. that's the prob. i have little to no inspiration. i'd draw one outfit, then stone, then surf some sites, and draw another.

oh i just got a text. which reminds me of how i got woken up by Pearlyn (AGAIN) asking me if i wanted to stay over at her place tonight. the crazy girl! as though she's finished all her work.

actually, knowing her, she probably has.

credits to http://simetra-junkaholic.blogspot.com/2010/11/ewok-cat.html for the kitty pics.

Birds

Hi guys, im currently waiting for Huiting. i asked her out for lunch at 1.15pm and have since been waiting. it's been one and a half hours in total :(

okay i just called her and she said she'll meet me in ten min at the coffee shop.

i know watcha thinking. "i've heard that before..."

lol ok give her benefit of the doubt.

it's been a crazy fast week! i spent Wednesday and Thurs w Meryl, Pearlyn, Sammy and Charis at Pearl's new pad. We painted her walls.

if you look carefully you'll see the left and right side branches and leaves are of unequal thickness. that's cos Sammy had the fat brush and i had the fine one.

who's that below? i think Pearl and Charis.

our pretty lamppost looked has a little problem.

Kay peeps i gotta fly. it's gonna be 3pm in 1min and it takes me bout 3min to get to the coffee shop. i guess i've kept her waiting long enough?

Enjoy.

Sia - Clap Your Hands

A whole day to myself

Hi loves. This has been an awesome weekend with the terror mostly not at home and me enjoying a peaceful wkend at home. Ah, the sweetness.

Anyways i was thinking of how much DRAMA the past wk has come with! Do you not agree??

Let's recount:

1) Pink pregnant (yay)

2) Eva Longoria/Tony Parker spilt (:O how could anyone cheat on EVA LONGORIA??)

3) Jessica Simpson engaged SO SOON after ex husband Nick Lachey's engagement

4) Release of HP7 Pt1 worldwide

5) Prince William engaged to Kate Middleton!!

6) Ryan Reynolds Sexiest Man 2010 + star of Green Lantern (i just found out this wk)

(disclaimer: the next few items come from a biased me)

7) Lee DeWyze on various talk shows :D

8) Jake G & Anne H on cover of Entertainment Weekly, which reminds me of the supposed romance between Jake G and Taylor Swift.

Whew.

Btw, im a huge cartoon fan so i loved Justice League and Green Lantern was always one of my faves, so i really hope they dont butcher this film. But like, wasnt Green Lantern African-American in Justice League??? oh well, if there's a whole civilization of Green Lanterns...

Well at least im not hating the star. Like w some other Marvel superhero movies, which could only have been better w other leads.

i.e. Eric Bana in Hulk (sorry, not a big Eric Bana fan. i liked him in Troy, but in Hulk he wasnt all that believable as the big green guy) and *rolls eyes* Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. sheesh. in what universe is he believable as the friendly, neighbourhood Spiderman??? someone w more charisma shd hv done it.

ok sorry, im biased.

never was a fan of Kirsten Dunst, but srsly, Tobey as Spidey killed that film franchise for me. I loved the cartoons, though.

changing the subject, if it were true, i think Jake Gyllenhaal (gawd it's so long to spell imma just call him Jake G from now) and Taylor Swift make a really cute couple. They're just so different, visually and artistically (big time Hollywood films and country music? i only see the Brokeback link) that it's so cute. I really wanna see how this turns out.

If nothing it would still make great material for her next album.

Speaking of which, i still have not bought my music albums.

Having a total of $6 left for the rest of November does that to you.

here're some pics as homage to HP7 opening week!

Bonnie Wright! doesnt she look oh so spiffy? i think she looks awesome. the makeup makes her look so soft and feminine!

Emma Watson w her Burberry handbag. i LOVE this outfit. To me, Emma Watson constantly has fashion hits-and-misses, but this is one of the good ones.

Dont go hatin' on me, peeps, this is just my personal opinion. I just think tht she tends to dress a bit older than her years, and it doesnt always compliment her. But kudos to her for being brave! What's fashion without risk, right?

Maybe a post on that next time. Loving her pixie crop btw.

On a side note, thinking of doing something to my hair soon. When my December allowance rolls in, that is. im thinking lotsa lowlights, and a little bit of curl.

Love This

Okay this marks the start of a new blog type post. From now on i will try hard to overcome my laziness and actually blog pics, vids and other visual stuff so it's not all words okay.

And to prove my determination to make this work, here's one of my newest fave songs!

BE WARNED: I've been addicted ever since i first heard it bout two months ago. This may go on repeat on your music players for oh i dont know, forever.

Presenting!

Kill The Light by Kitten

I JUST SMILE

i dont believe you i dont believe you i dont believe that

leave me alone why cannot dont see anything that will remind me of it

no no no

why am i so fucked up i just want to cry :(

pathetic, pathetic, sad little person. i just want to forget. i just want to not think abt it at all.

how can i? do i slash myself? do i drug the brains outta myself?

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

okay. now we smile for the world. im grinning, see, SEE? *points at face*

:D

Of green curry and milk tea dates

Last night i went out with my cousins Kenneth and Kelvin for the first time tgt as a trio and it would suffice to say it was awkward. But at least we tried.

During food time (i cant rmb which, we ate 3x) Kelvin was asking me if i was familiar with the feeling of sometimes becoming melancholy and all emo-nemo.

me: "Yeah i know that feeling. Every month, during PMS! What's YOUR excuse?"

hah.

And when i got home, i spent an awesome night checking out some of my newfound fave artists and their music.

Which, i will share with you once i figure out how to post videos. Lol.

Til then, please mourn the early demise of my short-lived freedom.

Love from prison,

Grace

mistakes in the template

Hi i just realized there's been a typo on my blog template for like, almost a year and a half now. LOL either no one noticed (unlikely) or no one bothered to tell me.

well i didnt notice either, so one can hope.

hahahhha.

the snapping point

my life w my mother is just a never-ending rush of outrage, rage and irritation.

i hate being told what to do.

i will never do it.

why cant you fucking leave me alone? the bitch wont even leave me alone in the two weeks she's not even gonna be in singapore. fuck my life to the max.

FMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTMFMLTTM

what is the point of this post?

damn it, i planned to wake up early today to do some stuff before heading out to meet Kelvin for dinner but i woke up, rolled over, and saw the time : 2.56pm. FML.

ANYWAY.

i was supposed to help out at the Christian Dior show today but it'll last all the way into the night so i freaking said no. D:

see how awesome i am to my cousin? (he's rescheduled on me twice, but i couldnt reschedule cause it was really last minute notice lol. i found out last night past 11pm, way too late to reschedule. SADNESS TTM)

Huiting and i both agree that Mine is our fave Taylor Swift music video :) i went to sleep last night singing that song and woke up with it still in my head. freaky.

i hate wasting my life away.........

i hate youtube-ing my time away......................seriously need to stop clicking on links and watching videos. i spent the whole of last night watching winners of the MTV best video award videos for the past ten years. and some of the nominees. like seriously as though i have nothing better to do w my life? sheesh. and now i keep looking at covers for Mine cause i wanna hear it in acoustic and slower versions. STOP IT ALREADY, GRACE.

:)

Speak Now

Yknow i think the thing i love most about Taylor Swift is how her songs always tell a story. It's best you stop reading now if you're a Taylor Swift hater. Leave now or shut up and dont give me flak about this.

It's amazing that a 3 or 4min song can say so much. I cant say im a fan, exactly, but i do love her songs. Hmm. That sounds like a fan. Lol. I dont know, man, it dont feel the same to me.

Anyhow, i remember the first time i ever heard one of her songs. It was years ago, before her second album release. I was on a bus home from dance class - oh wait i remember now, it was early 2008. I was taking my Os that year, that's why i remember. So i was on a bus home, listening to the radio when i heard Ryan Seacrest announce that the next song was one of his favourites, blah blah blah (cant rmb what he said next, i hv terrible memory) and "Teardrops on my guitar" came on. So that was how i came to know Taylor Swift. And then of course, later that year her second album came out and it was so hyped up, you would've been living under a rock to not hear her.

I dont know what exactly it is about her songs that appeal to me, given that i cannot relate to some of her songs, but sure, i get them. I get the message behind them, and they're similar to how you feel sometimes (not the exact same words, but along the same lines) so i guess some songs i get. Like for example Fearless really touched me. The message of this song just got to me.

I guess Taylor Swift appeals to this little girl part of me where i've always been obsessed with pretty things and innocence and honesty and hope and faith and love and all that jazz sensibility has nothing to do with.

I bought her Fearless album January last year and it was on repeat for a while. If you were wondering, yes i do plan to buy Speak Now when it hits shelves October 25th. I suppose it does have something to do with the titles. Now, if you know me you'll know im a hopeless romantic, and there's just something so innately scary and completely awesome about "Fearless" and "Speak Now". it just screams TAKE THAT RISK YOU BITCH YOU CAN THANK ME LATER. You just get caught up in the possibility of maybe and what if. And that rush of adrenaline of taking a risk without knowing what's gonna happen next. And maybe, just maybe, not caring what happens next cause you got to do/say exactly what you wanted and now you know so who cares if you fall flat on your face?

Lol you have no idea how actively i had to refrain from typing fuck in that last paragraph. In my head it was like "And maybe, just maybe, not caring what the fuck happens next cause you got to do/say exactly what you wanted and now you know so who fucking cares if you fall flat on your fucking face?"

There's just something that calls to me about her songs. Like i said, i love the story bit. I've always loved a good story, and the many scenarios her songs shout just indulge the romantic side of me. I mean, i may be down to earth and all, but a girl can dream right? A girl can fucking dream.

I think it's sweet how she's unafraid to say how she feels. Brave. Which is why she can be a role model for kids. But all that happy ending fluff should come with a warning: LIFE DOES NOT PEN OUT THIS WAY LEST YOU'RE A LEPRECHAUN'S DAUGHTER. But other than that, awesome.

I just watched her music video for Mine and i loved it! Loved the video more than the song alone. Because that one line really, really touched me. Something about not making your parents' mistakes. Yeah that would be so, so, awesome.

Okay im definitely buying her album. I know Yiyin will too. Now i need to go rustle up some dinner, bye :D

Sentimental Monday

*WARNING: what follows is a very long, wordy sentimental post about my family, some friends, and some unresolved deep-seated issues. Do not read if impatient. Actually, do not read at all. I may have written this, but even i wouldnt read this if i saw this on a friend's blog. Like seriously? Get over yourself. LOL. Yeah that's what you would think if you read this, so take my advice and just, dont. Save yourself the trouble. BYE.

i was reading Meifeng's blog and saw her post abt the Minister Mentor's wife death and how it makes her reflect on her relationship w her grandparents and as i was reading it i realized i couldnt relate to it at all.

Given that i barely know my grandparents. Or rather, knew. My maternal grandfather died when my mum was a kid, and i was never close w my maternal grandma. God, if anything, i was the stereotype of grandkid from hell. Okay, i wasnt actually that bad, but i was rebellious and didnt understand her, so i just got angry at her instead. I was never actually mean to her, and i really appreciated her for her cooking, i just couldnt stand being alone w her.

She would sit on the sofa opposite me and stare at me. Just stare. I would be watching tv or whatever, but she would just stare at me the entire afternoon. I am not kidding. Like if i were to walk to the kitchen to get a drink, her eyes would follow me as i walk and everything. It was nothing short of creepy. And she did that every, single, time. Eventually i got frustrated and once, i stared back. I cant rmb what happened next, but it was unnerving. Luckily, she stayed w me and my mum for only a short while, or i may have exploded. I was an angry child. She passed away about two years ago.

My paternal grandfather died from diabetes when i was really young, and even when i was three i could only remember him in a wheelchair. I was just an ignorant kid, and he kinda scared me because he had only one leg. Diabetes. And then he died. I never knew my paternal side of the family much, given that i've seen them maybe five times my entire life? After my parents' divorce when i was three, i didnt see my dad's side of the family until when i was 16.

Under pressure from my dad, i promised to sneak away during CNY to meet him to go visit my paternal family. It was the most surreal experience i've had to date. It was like, im supposed to know these people, they're FAMILY, but i didnt. i didnt know them. i was family, but i wasnt a part of their lives. i was and wasnt. I called my paternal grandmother for the first time that year since i was 3.

Now my paternal grandmother is my only living grandparent, and we're not close. Unfortunately, due to my dysfunctional family, chances are we will never be. Can you imagine how it feels, though? To have a grand-daughter you havent seen since she was a toddler just reappear one year, all grown up, sixteen years old and you knew as much about her as a stranger on the street?

I dont fit in that side of my family. I dont know the cousins, and they mostly ignore me when i show up once a year during CNY. They must think im some money-minded kid, only showing up to get the red packets. and then disappearing like i never existed the rest of the year, only to reappear the next year again. The adults tolerate me, and the nicer ones attempt to talk to me, saying polite things like how often my dad mentions me. Sigh. At least the adults may guess that it aint my choice to be there only once a year.

Even now, my mum is adamant about me not seeing my dad's side of the family. she point-blank said no when i asked to go that year. it was always a no. i have asked a few times over the years, but it was no, always. her reason? she doesnt want me to see them for fear they will bewitch me, maybe force-feed me some poison about her or cast some black magic spell over me. I kid you not. I swear those were the reasons she gave me. well i assure you the only poison they fed me was the other side of the story, and the nagging feeling of having no true family.

I dont understand why she doesnt want me seeing them if she has nothing to hide, come to think of it. Anyhow, since 2008, i've always snuck away on the first day of CNY to visit my dad's side. I always pretend im gg to a friend's place. I have no ide if she's caught on yet, but i dont care anymore. A divorce is a divorce, but that shouldnt mean that i have to cut off ties w my dad's side entirely. Now, she has nothing against me meeting my dad, it's just the family she is against. But i cant imagine how it feels to have a kid and seeing her so little times a year, to barely even know her. And if what my uncles say is true, that he talks about me, well, how would he know? God, this sucks. I doubt he even has any pictures of me in the past ten years. Is it even possible for me to have a closer relationship w my dad? Or is it, like the way it is w my mum, beyond salvage?

Im not sure it would have been any better even if the court had granted my dad custody. See how much i detest my mum. I honestly dont want this, you know, to dislike my mother and to dislike my family. Friends often ask me, "Why do you hate your mother so much?" and it's never a question i can answer. It's one of those things you have to experience firsthand. There will always be people who dont understand, who will say i shd be grateful to her for raising me, to feeding me. Even now i cannot find the words to tell you why exactly my life w her sucks, or why i cannot stand her. But i guess i am resigned to a life of being misunderstood. Of being thought of as the ungrateful brat.

I guess she has hurt me, way too many times and too deeply for me to bounce back from. If i were to be completely honest, i do blame her (i mean, my parents). I blame her (okay, them) that i have only half a family. And even with my half a family, i have never been as close to them as i could have been. I blame her for that, too. Throughout my life, my mum has been bitching about me to my aunt (her sister) whenever we had a dispute. She would say, in loud tones that carry so i would hear and feel ashamed that the entire world knows, about my most recent unsatisfactory behavior. So the next time i saw my aunt, i would always wonder, is she judging me for my actions right now? is she sneering at me in her head right now? Thus i could never be myself in front of me, not after i was about 12 and cottoned on to the fact that my mum tells her everything, and not fairly, too. I mean my mother exaggerates a lot, and sometimes what she says or implies is downright cruel, and hurt me more than you can ever imagine, but i cant tell her that, can i? For one, she doesnt seem to realize other people, more specifically I, have feelings. And she doesnt seem to care about my supposed feelings either.

Anyhoo, other than my aunt, i have never been very close to the rest of the family, either. My cousins near my age are all guys, and we dont click. My other cousins are about thirty, thirty-ish, married and yeah we dont have much in common. I used to be insanely close to my male cousins, Kelvin, Kenneth and QiWen but.... well to put it simply, when i was about 10 there was a family argument that involved my grandma and the family was divided into two parts for several years. Unfortunately Uncle Raymond (father of Kelvin & Kenneth) and Uncle Simon (father of qiwen) was on the opposite side of that family argument, so i didnt get to see the cousins for a while. A while turned out to be the most crucial years of my childhood - the years when a kid becomes a teen, the growing years, the years one changes the most - so when the whole family thing was resolved, we'd all become teenagers, madly awkward around each other because we didnt know how to react around someone we should know yet didnt. Sadly, the resolve only came about because of my grandma's death, when the siblings (my aunts and uncles) finally realized how pointless and stupid their disagreement was now that their mum was gone. I was 16 then, my cousins were 14, 15, 17, 20 and 21. we'd all grown up. we could never turn back time again. the years in which we were supposed to grow up together and bond would never happen; would never be. we'd gone from playing happily tgt as kids to teenagers who didnt know shit about each other, and we didnt know what to do about it.

Oh there were attempts, certainly, between some of us, to fix things. Daniel (then 17) and i had talked quite a bit, given that we were both graduating sec sch that yr and abt to enter poly. I seriously thought we were gonna bond and like, become real family. But we ended up entering different polys, and because my phone got freaking run over by a bus, i lost his number. we still hardly talk now, both leading different lives. he seems to not really care whether or not we have a good relationship, and all the times i talk to him on facebook he agreed when i said we shd meet up and catch up, but these sessions never happened. Sure, it's both our faults that they never happened. But im so freaking ADRIFT that im surprised i can even get my shit tgt long enough to maintain current friendships, so dont even mention new ones. i dont know if i have the energy to forge new relationships, given my knack at ending them. Look at (dare i say it? because if i do, it makes it real.) Betty and Qian Hui.

Both used to be my best friends. My bestest, bestest friends in the entire world, and now we dont even keep in touch. It's a loss so fucking huge that i cringe every time i think about how close we used to be. I honestly think they were the 2 ppl who got how difficult my r'ship w my mum was. After all, Betty was the one i called in tears, so upset i couldnt even speak. She was the one i opened up to during my darkest hours (pardon the drama). and in turn, i was the one she called whenever she and her mum fought. and Qian Hui was the one who once hid under my bed and witnessed firsthand how dysfunctional my r'ship w my mum is. I rmb once, when my mum threw me out, i called her to ask if i could crash at her pad that night, and w/o even asking why, she said yes. That kind of unquestioning support is something i treasure so much now, because i realize it's effing rare and actually impossible. Well impossible now, cause i dont have any friends i could ask of that favor these days. Come to think of it, i dont know how or when, but i've changed so fucking much in the past 3 years that that old Grace seems a stranger. Was there really a time when i told someone everything, every single thing, that happened to me? When i confided everything? Nowadays i dont seem to share anymore. I dont share anything that happens to me. And on the rare occasions i do, it's to the first person i talk to immediately after the incident, and i vent once, then bury the residual emotions and can never speak of it again. I dont share. oh my god. i dont talk to my friends anymore, and they dont talk to me. im fucking strangers with my so-called best friends! can they be called best friends if you no longer know the first thing about them? i used to talk to Yiyin. i dont anymore. Ha, ha, ha. Except for inexplicable bursts of raw emotion at Christmas, these guys dont see much sharing out of me. Yes, Besties, im talking about us. Gawd i hate me. i hate my life. But i fucking digress. i was talking about my family.

Aside from Daniel, Kelvin and i have tried repeatedly over the past two years, to reconcile our friendship. A meet up has been in the works since February, and finally, (Thank God) happened in August. Was it august? or late july? It's a budding relationship. And sadly, i feel like after our first meetup we havent shared much. Years of catching up cannot be done in one session, dear cousin, we need to talk more. Of course, im mad thankful we still meet up. I've been almost obsessive about arranging meetups. Luckily, i think we're almost friends now. I say that because sometimes it still feels like he feels obliged to meet me, which sucks cause i want him to want it. Im sorry im so fucking emotional, but i cant help who i am. We're meeting this Friday. It's a small victory in the big floaty space of my relationships w people. I kinda suck at them. Huh, and i used to think i was a people-person. What a joke.

If you were wondering, yes, i do feel all this family issues descended because of my mother and all the mistakes she has made, unintentionally or otherwise. Which is why, i totally feel like the kids suffer for what the adults did. We, the younger generation, the cousins, shouldnt have to be estranged because our parents are. Or rather, were. You see, the adults might have been able to fix all their problems when they made up in 2008, but us, the kids, could never find a footing in each others' lives. The adults had many more years of history and shared affection than we did, they were siblings, for goodness sake, so of course it was easier for them to kiss and make up. But us, how could we include someone in our lives after not having them in it for so many? We've grown up, we've changed. We dont fucking know each other.

Maybe my cousins dont feel as strongly about this as i do. It's highly likely they dont, because i dont they feel as lost as i do. Daniel has his brother, (insert pause, cause i dont fucking know his English name, that's how pathetic we are, i only know him by his childhood name) Zun Zun. LOL. Brothers. Lucky them. Kelvin and Kenneth are brothers. And although QiWen is an only child like i am, i know from his dad (uncle simon) that they share a pretty close relationship, given from what i heard from Uncle Simon the last time i met him. A close parent and child relationship. Huh. I wonder how that's like. It's like everyone has somebody to confide in, to always be there for them. Even though i heard on the grapevine that Daniel and Ah Zun arent close, i know they'll always have each other no matter what because for God's sake, they're blood brothers! throughout the course of life no matter what the other does, it can never change the fact that they grew up together and know each other as innately as no one ever will know the other. And even though i know firsthand from Kelvin that he and Kenneth arent close, i still am insanely envious. Because Kelvin cares about his brother in a way i know no one else will. I mean, he said he wouldnt mind caring for his parents enough for the both of them should it come to that in the future, and he doesnt blame Kenneth! i mean, he even told his folks to let Kenneth be and do whatever he wants! How awesome is that? Unquestioning support. And FYI, Kelvin is the younger brother. It kills me that he's so sensible. I know i could never be.

Envious. That's what i am. Insanely, madly, intensely envious. I want a brother, too. I want a sibling i know i can count on no matter how badly i screw up. no matter how i choose to lead my life, to have someone support me. Sigh. I hate being an only child. I feel so disgustingly, utterly alone. Maybe that's why i crave love so badly. Love as in The One. yknow, that crap they feed you about true love and how it's supposed to solve all your problems. yeah. im pathetic and desperate enough to buy into it. and im like, the biggest fucking cynic of my friends. What does that say about me? Im bitter enough for eight people and so cynical that i cant take a good natured act for what it is (i always question the motive, thanks Mum, i rmb there's no such thing as a free lunch) and yet i buy the biggest crap there is out there: love. UGH. im sorry, guys. i do actually believe there is someone out there for everyone, and that love does exist, but not for me. because i fully believe that there are just some people who get passed over in the course of life, and im one of those. i mean, it just makes sense that some gotta lose so the others see what they've got, right? not everyone gets a happy ending, otherwise it wouldnt be called a happy ending, just an ending, since everyone would get the same thing. That would explain why i want it so much. They always say you want what you can never have, after all. And the one thing i want more than anything, is to love with my whole being and be loved back. UGH. sorry, i cant help it, i just think it's so fucking disgusting of me. i mean, come on. Seriously? lol.

so you see, that's kinda why i've always wanted a big brother. and a big sister. to take care of me. to watch out for me. and that's why i dont wanna fuck up my friendship w Kelvin. i entertain no illusions that he could be the big brother i never had, cause i get the feeling we're way past that, but maybe he could still be what he's always meant to be: my cousin. my family.

Gawd, this certainly turned out to be a big ball of sentimental. I never meant for it to be so long or...emotional. Sorry, if you read the entire thing and think what a crackpot i am. But i dont regret this post; it seems to be the first real sharing i've had in a long, long time. Even if it is to my computer, an inanimate object. Just goes to show you how sad i am. Like, LOL JEEZ YOU CANT EVEN FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO? OLOLOLOL. oh come on, a little self-deprecating is always amusing.

when you're happy & you know it

awesome weather, much! bubbling w happy.

finished final report! sent to name twin Grace but late. sorwweeeee.

list of things i wanna do in hols:

pack room

buy furniture

make money appear

shop

job optional

list of people i can ask out: (BYE JC PIPOZ CYA ON THE OTHER SIDE! OF OCTOBER.)

cherylfsy zecrystal mirabell

huiting

pearlz sammy dubbysephy anzy charizzz etc

michelle mong!!!!

kelvin ^^

MINSHAN HI I NEARLY FORGOT YOU :D

okay i got no more fwens.

HAHA have lah imma dinner w meryl cos she's lives even nearer than huiting! IKR :O :D

and i prolly shd meet Daniel smalleater cause well, I BEEN PLANNING TO!

"I USED TO HAVE THIS APPETITE FOR MY LIFE"

"IM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP W MY PIZZA"

random quotes i heard from the EatPrayLove trailer. so true! huiting and i had relationships w our pizzas on friday. it was legendaryWAITFORITdary! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH ok i need to go watch that episode again.

(hi non-existent readers, i make twenty seven references to How I Met Your Mother a day so yer might wanna reminder that whenever you read smth you dont quite get. esp if the nxt sentence goes HAHAHAH or LOL cos...it's just awesome like that ^^)