Wishlist, oh wishlist

WHAT GRACE WANTS:

Disney’s classic films!
- Snow White
- Beauty and the Beast
- Aladdin
- Alice in Wonderland
- The Lion King
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- Hercules
- Tarzan
Chick flicks! Any. Some examples below. Nice films pls.
- She’s the man
- I love you, Beth Cooper
CDs
- Allison Iraheta “Just like you”
ANY FASHION DESIGN RELATED BOOKS!!! (Go see Kinokuniya)
Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Influence book
Nina Garcia’s The Style Strategy book (it’s got a gold cover! Pretty.)
Book vouchers would be nice too…I think.
A subscription to NYLON mag or CLEO mag
A bookshelf
A sewing machine
A table lamp
A big pencil case
A jewelry stand
Black eyeshadow
PERFUME
- Nina Ricci’s “Nina”
- Nina Ricci’s “Nina Love” or smth like that, it’s a special edition one
- Salvatore Ferragamo’s “Incanto Bliss” (or any of the Incanto series)
- Diesel “Fuel for life”
- Marc Jacobs “Lola”
- Britney Spears “Curious” (or any of her other ones. The bottles are awesome)
Taylor Swift guitar! (I don’t even play, I just like it, hurhur)
A cork board that is bigger than A3 and not squared shaped
A CD player! Mine died :(
Microwave popcorn!
A COTTON CANDY MAKING MACHINE
A giant stuffed toy? Like a Grey Bear. I love them! (refer to previous post pics if dunno what they are)
MOVIE POSTERS, BRING ME TO BUY AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!
A The Simpsons T-shirt?

:D


is it kinda long? well you asked. haha.

BEARY GOOD!

(pictures of Grey Bear. i tried but couldnt find the name, for example there is Pooh Bear and Forever Friends Bear, but i think this bear is just Grey Bear. i love them!!!)

"How old are you?"

"10 days to 18!"

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had the above conversation with a random salesgirl when she put eye gel samples in my hand. weird. hah.

anyway nice day out w the badminton peeps! i especially liked the walking aimlessly to take polaroids part, haha. actually the part w yingyu before meeting them was awesome too cos i got more copic markers yay! :)
okay only 3 more, but still. yay!

a few people were asking me what i want for my birthday, and when yy asked i was like, "still v long away what..." PAUSE. "omg it's ten days away. omg." damn shit, i am gonna be OLD. so i came up with a wishlist, which i have been planning to do since Christmas. yay one thing off TO DO list.

BAH. i keep sneezing. why??? i alr cleaned my room!

I REALLY LOVE THE SIMPSONS OMG.

wishlist in next post!

Friday, i am over you

RMB MY STAINED CONTACT LENS POST?

well i've been soaking the lens for about 24hrs now and the stain has gone completely! so i guess using K-Palette wont kill you, but just to be safe im still sticking to the trusty kohl liners.

spent the day w meifeng and Mum caught meifeng in our house!! Mum came home super early today so i was stunned. i casually said "oh hey Mum, meifeng's here, she came to bring me something but we're leaving for dinner soon." hahahha i didnt get scolded, yay.

anw, mf and i had relocated to my place to do hmwk after spending an hr plus at bishan library which sucked cos the sun was reflecting off the glaringly white tables and killing us.

well at least i got some research books. bishan library really sucks though, i think im too used to TP. TP library rawkssssss.

so, in my hse we managed to do some hmwk each, i finished my research and my thumbnails and then, we went out for dinner.

where we met Yingyu and wenjia! yay yingyu.


and and and i saw Jaseline!!! i love jase she looks so much the same and i was reminded of us back then....sorry jase i used to be such a controlling bitch. im much better now. yay im totally gonna stay in touch w her and nxt time we hv gyps stuff she's gonna come too, awesome.

jase and i were both fr gyps and ananias day care....we became close cos well, we were always in each others' faces hahahha she was so small and cute back then! i could easily carry her arnd. now she's about my height! sigh just shows how little i grew.

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sigh. feeling a huge round of self-hate. awesome.

i wanna change i wanna change i wanna change! i also want to die. i hate life and i hate myself and there is nothing to live for so why bother? im such a pathetic, disgusting, pile of failure. failure. look how many ppl i got to hate me with a vengance in my almost-18 yrs? i see no point in turning 18 and continuing w life. my friends will dwindle until there are none left. because i am a repulsive human whom everyone HATES. hahahah! hates. i dont know how to repair my relationships, much less forge new ones. let's just jump out the window! teeheehee.

ugh, God, stop it, stop ME. Grace, you are P A T H E T I C.

CANT, BLOG, ON SCH SITE!

Why cant i post on the HOC blog??

i dont have the "new entry" button at all! and like an idiot i was searching for some way to post, and because i am a stupid idiot, i logged in really late at like 11.45pm to post my things and i thought can, cos Elizabeth said it was quite fast (blog closes at 11.55pm) but i couldnt find the button, plus my internet kept disconnecting and i had to reconnect several times. shit lah. i really think my this module grade is gonna be....yeah crap :(

so in a panic, i sent wilson an email saying i couldnt upload to the blog. then i went back to the blog there and like kept searching for any clue to post. then i eventually (after clicking on every button incl "print", "archive" and "w/ comments") clicked on the help button and it said that to post an entry i had to click on the "new entry" button under "actions", above "print" so i went to look at the page AGAIN and under "actions" there was NO "new entry" button! only "print" and "w/ comments"!

i was like, WTH????! cos i rmb that previously like, last assignment and also on wed i also went to the blog to attempt to post smth so that when i had my thumbnails i could do it easily but that button was not there also! i mean, OBVIOUSLY if "new entry" was there i would know to click on it to post cos it's like other blogs but seriously it wasnt. omg shit why???

so having realised the missing button i wondered, is it cos by the time i realised it wasnt there it was past 11.55pm? then i recalled that i had never seen that button despite having looked under "actions" before. im pretty sure. like 97% sure.

so then i sent another email to wilson explaining all this, and still attached my thumbnails. sigh. im never posting last minute again. i totally shd hv posted before i went out for dinner. sigh.

im sorry ):

i hate me, too.

OF EYELINERS AND CONTACT LENSES

ALL SOFT CONTACT LENS WEARERS:
DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT USE K PALETTE'S BRUSH/FELT-TIP LINER!!! I DONT KNOW WHETHER IT'S A BRUSH OR FELT-YIP ONE BUT WHATEVER, SAME POINTY TIP, JUST DO NOT USE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT STAINS YOUR CONTACT LENSES WHEN YOU TRY TO REMOVE IT WITH MAKEUP REMOVER.

TRIED AND TESTED.

HAVE THE SCARY RED AND BLACK STAINED LENS TO PROVE IT.

AND THE WORST THING IS ONE SIDE I DIDNT EVEN TOUCH W MAKEUP REMOVER AND IT WAS ALSO SLIGHTLY STAINED, SO STAY AWAY FROM K PALETTE!!!! PREVIOUS USE OF THE SAME EYE MAKEUP REMOVER DID NOT RENDER STAINS AT ALL. SO DO NOT USE K PALETTE OKAY!!!!!!!



HERE'S A PHOTO.



LOOK AT THE LENS!!!!! it's turned red!!!!!

i have never heard of this random japan brand and did not buy it. only used it cos my mum bought it and asked me to try it to see if i liked it, so i went to put it on, and preferred kohl pencils so i went to try to remove it w my usual eye makeup remover (which has never given me any trouble before and is awesome) AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW IT GETS INTO MY EYE AND STAINS MY CONTACT LENS A RED TINT!!!!



the remover has gotten into my eyes before. no trouble/irritation before and this time also no irritation or anything, no, THE CONTACT LENS JUST TURNED RED AND DARK-ISH. scary much!!!!



needless to say i removed it immediately and tried to wash it off with my contact lens solution AND IT DIDNT WORK!!! WASHED REPEATEDLY. currently soaking it in lens case. gonna wash again later. hopefully it will be gone! will like keep you updated!!! not that anyone reads but like, i must share this w the world to prevent the same thing happening to you.


wtf right!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this!!!!!!! plus it's my first day wearing my monthly lens wtf?!!!!! super pissed!


i do not trust all liquid and felt-tip liners anymore. sticking to kohl pencils omg. and totally removing lenses before ever removing makeup.


dont dare use the contact lens anymore! LASIK PLEASE!!!!

i am sleeeeeepy.

i want to do nothing but inhale like five tonnes of cold, sweet drinks. duh, not that there are salty drinks. wait. actually i dont know.

OH YAY I CRAVE COLD DRINKS. that means my period is coming ^^


oh gawd i just blogged that.

=.= whateverrrrr.

i need to pee, byebye!

SHADES OF RED, BLUE AND PEACH

STILL have not written new year resolutions. think my first one would be to actually write them.


NO CLASS ON THURS AND FRI WOOHOO.


i missed the simpsons ytd :(

and i forgot the site sherilyn told me to go to to watch it. sigh no simpsons......


but either way. i got my sandals! woohoo and they look kickin' babyyyy.

and i finally got my duck rice which i have been craving since last week!!


after this i have to go work on history of costume.....im not gg creative storytelling tonight to work on it, and the story ideas of course. this also means i wont be gg to sch til monday! hehehehhehe.


argh i am craving more food ohnoohno. like just now when i went out to collect my sandals i also bought lunch but like, i only brought $4 out, can you believe it? dumbbbbbbbb. so i couldnt buy dinner in advance first, or get myself a stash of candy/junk food. i was planning to go out again after getting more money but the dark is crazy dark and i do not wanna get caught in the rain.


feel bad for skipping class :(
it was a total last min decision....


okay i havent mentioned this before, but i really like Allison Iraheta from AI Season 8! besides her wicked awesome voice i adore her HAIR. hahahha yeah all last year when i was watching Idol i was like, I HOPE SHE WINS I DONT LIKE DANNY GOKEY TTMMMMMMMM. but oh well. and she really does remind me of Pink!


feels kinda weird to be a fan of someone who is younger than me AHHHHHHH I FEEL SO DAMNED OLD!!!


OOH my new sandals cant be taken off with just a tug argh MA FAN, SIA. yes, im wearing them around the house to revel in the gratification of having bought smth new :DDD


YES. this means i have bought a pair of black flats and can move on to black heels! HAHAH finally scratching them off my TO BUY list. aweesomeeee.


today i went out in a ponytail. :OOOOO

i know. i havent tied a ponytail since last March, since the start of the curly hair. i must say the seller looked really shocked at seeing someone who looked so unkempt hahhaha i was lazy to put on contacts, makeup and proper clothes + tame my hair so i kinda just tied my hair, put on some clothes and went out. soooooo disgusting. hahaha. WHATEVER.


BACK TO ALLISON.

yes she is younger than me!! i know right. she's 17 and already has a career taking off and im 17 with no career in sight, and balding!!! (yes, i do think im balding omggggg my hair is about half as thin/thick -whichevr you prefer- as it was two months ago, which was alr seriously THIN!) okay, i realise we are both 17, but she was born April 27 and me January 19 which makes me A GRAND TOTAL OF ABOUT 4 MONTHS OLDER!!! och, just a few months, what's the big fuss, right? i dont know really, im just like fixated on the fact that i am older than she is :(


i am obsessive compulsive.


but anyway. i love her voice! i dyed my hair red too two mths ago but not her red but now i really think i want her red, which is crazy since it totally doesnt suit non-angmoh skin tone but like, i really like how vibrant it is!!!

LOOK



oooooh nice lashes. im a lash freak, so i appreciate it. nice EYEBROWS, too. i SO need to get mine done. they look revolting now. ah i hear the rain. it has started.


i love looking at the rain from my front door. gorgeous.


I LOVE HER HAIR!!!!!!!! i think im going to go treatment crazy and recover the condition of my hair as it was like, a year ago. it is SO BAD now. i really dont know what to do.


I AM SO ADDING ALLISION'S ALBUM TO MY BIRTHDAY WISHLIST, WHICH, SINCE I HAVE NOT STARTED ON, MAKES THIS THE FIRST ITEM ON THAT LIST~ :D



i wish one could train to acheive that tone of voice.


do you wanna buy her album for me?? hurhur Reuben's bday is next monday! i wonder if the Besties even rmb. ah well. i shall be a good friend and REMIND CAI. teehee i am high on soya bean milk, which i am religiously addicted to.


gone to youtube to listen to songs! TOODLES!

PARTEEEEEEEEEEE

i did not expect this.

turns out the submission date for my final assignment for HoCos is 19 january. omg. isnt that so cool???

okay let me back up and explain. 19jan is a Tuesday, the last Tues of this block, which is crunch time for all design students cos it means it's SUBMISSION WEEK. and also my birthday, 19jan. so like, i have night class! which means i cannot celebrate. but.....if 19jan is my final submission day, that means i have 20 - 24 jan to celebrate!!!! :DDDD

YAY AWESOMENESS. well, unless i still have night class for that week. aiyah night class is such a bummer. if only we could end night class on 18jan.....hahahha i wish.

i shall ask Alfie tonight about when our last class is! :D

i am kinda excited now. i didnt think i would get to do anth for my bday at all. but now it looks like i might, even if it is belated, but only by one day! hehehehhehe

:D

the simpsons are my current obsession thus the simpsons themed pics hurhur.

YAY THE SIMPSONS TONGIHT ON CHN5, hope i reach home in time to catch it!

SHOPPING

NEW WALLET NEEDED.

my current F21 one is awesome, but it is dying. it has been scratched and the skin scraped off in several places, poor baby.

well what d'ya expect? i've been using it for over a year. it's actually from 2008 you know. sigh. unbelievable.

okay so i found some wicked cute ones!

HELP ME DECIDE.

i really like the pink one in the first pic, it's so pweeeeeeeeetttyyyyy, but then the mustard and navy ones are so radical! :(

otherwise it would be the greenish teal one in the second pic, which is $4 more btw.

$18 and $22 respectively.

no, i am not shopping excessively.

although i did buy a pair of sandals online today D:

hahaha but i really do need shoes, both of my slip-on flats died few wks ago. i only bought back 1, i need another pair, so it is JUSTIFIED.

and like i said, i need a new wallet too.

see, i totally did not give in to my urge and buy the bag i wanted. and i havent gotten the skirt i desperately want yet. but i will. cos i've had my eye on it for close to a year now.

Huiting bought me a necklace! YAY another one to add to my collection. totally using it tmr. except i havent got anth to match it hurhur. oh well. never stopped me before.

IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WORK. i wanted to do the quiz, but i am being disgusting and shopping. shall sleep soon and wake up effing early. not gonna get much sleep w the construction work downstairs anw.

FEELING ANTSY

can you believe it? can you believe it? it's the third day of 2010 already!

and just a few days ago it was last year.....time sure is a funny thing.

feeling super restless now. wanna paint my nails, but that take a long time to dry and i havent got that time. i still havent STARTED on my creative storytelling story ideas. need 3. ugh.

oh well.
i know i'll get them done before class tmr :)

was planning to paint my nails before i go to sleep, but now it looks like i wont be getting any sleep til friday night. not that im complaining. i love to sleep but i also think it's a gigantic waste of time. sleep is a luruxy reserved solely for the 1993 babies who plan to go to poly in april. not for those currently attending poly now :(

havent gotten around to penning any new year resolutions yet, save one, but dont feel like broadcasting it. it's enough that k, pris & m know. oh man i wanna do dinner w them again. they are addictive company.

ARGH ants are taking over my table! seriously. i am SO P.O.ed! i keep forgetting to buy ant poison!!

hahah starting out the new year by viciously plotting to murder ants. nice. i dont even know where they come from/go. i mean, i live on the highest floor! okay, i know that doesnt stop them. but hell, what does? D:

ANT POISON.

well, unless they mutate and become immune to it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

right, off to bathe now, no ants in the shower :)

farewell oh nine

Hey you. Im on my way to chalet right now, and im effing late but im alone so i thought hey why not write my end of 2009 post now?
Yep so here we are, at 31 dec, the last day of the year. And we gotta bid goodbye to 2009, and feel sad for all the things that happened this year.

Are you sad this yr will soon be gone? I cant honestly say i am, because this year has been a total waste of makeup. Haha. I mean, yes, im happy i made good friends in poly, but i also made enemies. and most of the time im unhappy rather than not in school.

But im coping. What else this year? Im sorry, i cant think of anth. Because that's how pointless this year has been. Perhaps because i'd had so many great yrs before this? Idk.

Sure, i became a lot closer w existing friends, but i also drifted away from close ones. I love all my friends, and i truly am glad life brought us tgt. But then there are those you lose on the road of life. Which is sad. Really.

And so, new environment. New friends. Poly has been...a learning experience. I've never done so much work in my life. work is still a totally new thing for me to get used to, and i hope the ppl know im trying really hard. I really, really am. I just wish they knew me a little better, or at all.

Sometimes things get a little too much for you, and you lose sight of the things tht are impt to you, or even yourself. I think this year i definitely lost myself a bit. Maybe some of you close to me might have noticed, but maybe not.

Change.
It is ever present. And no one is an exception. I've definitely changed this year. Several before this have commented on how i speak only proper english and i know this has made at least one person uneasy. And this year many were surprised at the variety of vulgarities spewing forth from me.

Im not sure how i feel abt how vulgar i can be, but i hope you know tht if i am, it's because i choose to be. And there's certainly been a lot for me to curse of this year. I hope that changes. I've realised sometimes nothing is as eloquent as a curse word.

This year old friends reconnected, and other friends were lost to me. I still miss my tuition friends, and my coaches, and i wish i still had their numbers so i could text them, but one of the things i lost this year were all my contacts, and my old phone. So if any of you old peeps see this (unlikely but possible), hit me w a text. But in the meantime i will search for you on fb :)

ah, fb. sometimes i do love you.

This year, i had my first taste of sleepovers. My mum finally said yes to letting me stay over at a friend's house just last week on christmas at yiyin's. i also had more sleepovers at my hse this year, yay. And i finally got a bit more freedom this year, about time too. i have poly to thank for that.

Okay i think that abt sums up 2009. I told you there wasnt much to miss. Thanks, you friends, you've been the only thing for me to live for. I came so close a few times...so thank you. Even if you dont know what you did. Just stay by me.

Goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. I've just abt reached pasir ris too :)

BAH RAH BLAH

what are you doing what are you doing WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????

i dont know, but you know what you SHOULD be doing?

WORK, that's what.

jeez Grace, you suck. HoCos is calling! do your work and stop surfing the net!!!!

I HATE MYSELF FOR BORROWING SO MANY BOOKS JUST NOW, THEY ARE SO TOTALLY CALLING OUT FOR ME TO READ THEM ARGHHH

no mood to go out party tmr. oops i meant later today.

you see, im supposed to go out except i havent told anyone. including my mum and the ppl who invited me. awesome.

sigh

Greek empire. mythology. i love all that jazz.

WHEN LIFE DOES NOT GIVE YOU LEMONS BUT YOU MAKE YOURSELF SOME....you are stupid

:(((((((((


Thanks Leslie, you are nice.

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am probably gonna have bad hair tmr. woot. not. sigh.

read if you care, if you dont, well then, okay.

sup dudes. i just added my cousins on fb, yay. and i realised one of them is attached now. good for him! i know he's been single a long time, he was asking me if i'd friends to intro to him a while back. so anw, we had a short convo just now. makes me miss my childhood.

thank goodness i still hv childhood-ies close to me in my life :) holla Besties! :D

anw.

so i went to his blog and his gf's, even though i dont know her - yet. see, i have a plan. a plan to reconnect w all my cousins! we all used to be super close lah. so anw seeing as my cousins are brothers she alr knows Kelvin so yeah i suppose in time we'll be introduced. i hope we will. i like that idea. and she looks nice. went to her blog and saw that she likes alot of Taiwanese idols, plan to ask if she likes LeeHom too! :D yay leehom wait for me :D

so. it's dec 30, and the year's gonna be over shortly.

cant say im exactly sad to see it go though. it's been one of those years. sigh, i dont even have words to describe it.

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.

my cousins are like the only part of my family that i kinda like. and i wanna be closer to them again. i just realised all my cousins have really nice names. like me! hahahha.

at Kelv's blog now. god, he is so LI. i am actually jealous. when did he morph into this LI machine? i so missed out on our growing up years. i mean, i've always known he was super smart, top-his-every-class kind, but jeez. yeah i know, i was always worried abt being compared to him. (but hey, i dare say that in terms of intellect, i can hold my own against most.) im so over that now, i dont give a $#^& anymore abt what others think, i just wanna be happy again. yep.

god, i really miss them. they were the closest to siblings i'd ever and will every have. getting teary eyed now. god knows i want brothers more than anything. stupid family feud over dumb stuff. why did we let it affect us kids? if i could do it over.....

im really jealous of all the friends close to my cousins. if they only knew i'd die to be in their place. i dont ever tell anyone this, and i dont think anyone cares enough to pick up on this except maybe a choice few, but im a lonely kid. lonely as hell. i hv awesome friends, awesome beyond words, but beyond that i really dont have anyone else. and i cant tell you how much that sucked. how did it become this way? HOW??? sigh. yeah, lonely. let me try to put it across to you in a way you'd understand. i mean, friends have no obligation to be nice to you, to care about you. they could walk away and not have to explain themselves, ever. but family. family is different. you'll always be connected in some unbreakable way. you can never really cut your ties, even if you wanted it more than i want LeeHom. yeah family. it's a new idea to me, i never thought of myself as having............never mind. it's much too melodramatic.

okay maybe im overreacting. i guess family can walk away too.i know they can definitely turn away in times of need. i....dont know anything. im too young and stupid to know anything about this world. yet im too old and jaded to care. god, im bitter.

i dont know what to say. i never know what i want anymore. beyond instant gratification, it's like i dont even....ah hell im speechless.

there's still some things inside me, i wish others could see. most of who i used to be is lost, but stick around long enough and i just may surprise you. it's alright, the old Grace didnt seem to appeal to a lot of ppl anyways. i've still got some spunk left in me, but for how long only the people above know. talk to me before i disappear completely.

omg the last paragraph was so like, i dont know. emo, almost. i am so bad at expressing myself, i shd talk to Oprah. or a psychologist. cant spell the other one, too apathetic to check it out.

okay, enough talk for now. i just added a guy i knew when i was a kid on fb. crazy reckless thing to do. i guess i just dont care abt anth anymore. he'll probably think im a crazy stalker. but really, i just rmb his name and added it. anw, omg, ITS MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. omg i cant believe i only noticed it now. ah hell. what am i gonna do? okay. got it.

i really have to go to bed now, plan to be up in a coupla hours to do work. right. i hope tmr blazes by quickly so i may like, settle back into my numb self and let the days pass quietly. i wish certain people would just leave me alone, im rather happy when not disturbed. erm, duh. okay nvm.

EVE OF NEW YEAR'S EVE. what, ever.

time

i've been gone a long time.

i have lost interest in life. i started sch ytd and hv work due in a coupla hrs but i hv not started. i want to stop everything and like, die.

death is not when you're in too much pain to do anything, like live, but when you've simply stopped.

just stopped.

OH HAHHHAHAHHA GAWD SO EMO, IM NOT, IM JUST WEIRD HAHHAHAHA. i still feel lightheaded and cannot walk in a straight line.

bubble!

ITS FRIDAY, IM IN LOVE.




<33333333333333

school....

i'm so tired.
i could fall asleep right now.
but to sleep would be to die.

and i hv died enough so no sleep. omg. my eyes can barely stay open. and it's barely midnight! see, i cannot do two consecutive sleepless nights. shit. how to survive until friday?

bad day bad day.

i love meifeng for listening. i wouldnt hv made it through class w/o her lor. thanks, friend.

I MUST STRIVE FOR THE VERY BEST.

now to convince myself of that.

oh gawd, im so, so tired.

so much work to do, i cannot let all these people down. okay. okay. WORK. CAFFEINE. DRUGS. snore. i wish.

BAD, NOT GOOD, BAD.

wow, just three more days after today and it'll be the end of this term, and there's a huge amt of work left. thank you, slavedrivers.

im trying to find sad emo songs because i feel like listening to sad emo songs, and all i can find are stupid happy songs. like wtf. happy songs are so like, adolescent. did i spell tht right? whatever.

happy songs are so 2007.

it's 2009, and 2010 will be here really, really soon, and this year has sucked real bad thus far. sucked. suck. sucky. argh whatever.

sad emo songs, hello?? gawd, leehom is so effing perfect, how does he do that? damn it it's not fair i just want to jump off a bridge.

okay i need to like, take a bath.

this is not making sense but WHATEVER.

speechless

im sick so i stayed home, and my "mother" just told me, "tmr if you wake up late again then you know." , implying tht i stayed home today not because i was sick but tht i overslept and thus pretended to be sick to stay home. What kind of a mother is she?

In my defense, i fairly screamed at her tht i woke up okay, walao. And now my throat hurts again when it was recovering just now. The bitch. Like i took all those pills cos i was pretending. Like you can pretend to blow your nose. Like you can produce mucus on purpose. Gross.

I look down on her. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

The nxt time im sick im totally gonna storm into her room and slam open the door and say tht "look, im awake but im sick and gonna stay home and contrary to wht you think im not oversleeping and thus pretending". Tht sounds weak, but against this kind of person tht's the best i can do. She thinks she's the only one who can be sick and stay home from work. She thinks im pretending when im sick. i hate her so much i dont even hv words.

you know things are bad when the only thing tht calms you down is putting a bullet through her head.

Yes, if i ever kill her one can come here to my blog and see my confession. Excepr that i wldnt want to ruin my life over her, that vile, revolting person. She's not worth the rest of my life. Thus i'll not kill her, so if she's murdered one day, it wont be by me, cos she makes ppl hate her really easily. Ask around, im sure you'll find many. She's just detestable.

I dont understand why i need to put up w her. Why cant someone else deal w her? I didnt choose this family. we give new meaning to dysfunctional. I want to escape so bad, but killing myself for her is SO not worth it. Thus i hv the fantasies of killing her. But i dont even want to touch her, she repulses me tht much.

I mean, i understand why she thinks im pretending. Cos im awake at this time doing my work. and i used to pretend back in sec sch. But she doesnt know tht i was so tired today and hv slept half the day away in the morn and in sec sch i nvr took responsibility for anth. Now in poly i fully do, and unlike her i actually vare abt my work. Its not like i can refrain from having a fever and sleeping. And yes, i do hv a mild fever, i took my temperature. Tht cow. Of cos if i slept half the day away i need to do work now, esp since i slept again at 9pm. And yes, i told her i was gg to sch tmr, which makes her increase her certainty tht im pretending. But she doesnt know tht i HAVE to go, does she? I need to consult wilson abt evening wear so i can start inking and colouring for monday's submission. I alr missed today, if i miss tmr too i wont be able to hand in. Also, i need to go collect swatched fr wilson. And there's presentation for commdi on monday, i need to discuss w my grp, i alr ps-ed them today. But no, i didnt tell her all these, cos she doesnt bother to ak, so i dont bother to tell her, either. Dealing w her is so much less painful when there is no talking. Yes, i hv issues, bt its all thanks to her.

I feel like crap. Worse than. My body feels hot and breathing is weird. i want nothing more than to sleep, again, and to stay home frm sch tmr again, w an mc this time, but i cant. I really need to go to sch. And to do tht i need to finish colouring my career wear for submission tmr.

Do you know tht part of the reason i didnt go get mc today is tht i dont trsut doctors, and also i wanted to help her save money? I dont see the pt of gg to a doctor who will tell you you're sick when you alr know you are, and give you meds for it when you alr hv panadol flumax at home. But no, i fully intend to spend this money nxt time, cos she's not worth my concern.



*for those who dont alr know, yes, i hate my mother, and i admit it. But before you give me a disgusted look and judge me for tht, ask yourself if you know abt me and my life. Im pretty sure you dont, so dont go telling me tht i shd give her a chance and talk to her. You're not the one who lives w her, i think i know her better than you do. Just because you lucky bitches hv a gd relationship w ur mums does nt mean everyone else does. Trust me, no one else wishes to nt hv this type of r'ship than i do.

i fell sick. Predictably.

I feel like crap.

I stayed home today cos i woke up feeling like someone sandpapered my throat overnight and i couldnt stop blowing my nose for all i was worth.

And like im not even seriously sick until like previous times but i still feel like shit.

it hurts to swallow and i cant stop sneezing! Which sucks. And everytime i sneeze it hurts my throat even more. Talk abt a vicious cycle.

I've downed like 3cups of honey and lots of flu meds, bt it hasnt seemed to work.

And no i didnt go see a doctor cos i dont like them. It just makes u feel more sick. And poor. And the meds make u drowsy. And then i wld sleep instd of doing my work lah. Which wont do. Im currently doing production drawings. and im so scared tht everytime i sneeze i'll draw the line way out. So i stop like every five secs to blow my nose. Disgusting.

DECEMBERRRRR

IT IS DECEMBER OMG ITS THE LAST MONTH OF THE YEAR AND 2009 IS ENDING OMGGGGGGG.

i am in the sch library again and i've just finished my CommDI essay editing and im supposed to be doing peer review so im like waiting for taufiq to send them to me.

oh he just did, no more reason for me to slack :(
sigh.

first, i shall write down my TO DO list so i wont get sidetracked.

TO DO:
1. peer review
2. response to peer review
3. critical reading list
4. references in APA format
5. career wear sketches
6. background info on selected VIP
7. evening wear ideas

TMR (WED):
1. consultation w wilson
2. inking of career wear sketches
3. colouring of career wear sketches
4. production drawing of career wear
5. evening wear sketches (6pcs)
6. printing and binding of commDI AND THEN HAND IN! yay.
7. find background for career wear

ARGH. does it sound like v little? it takes me a helluva long time. ESP colouring and production drawing!!!! copic markers are SO hard to control, geewhiz.

THURS:
1. consult wilson on evening wear
2. also on final for career wear (coloured,production drawing & bkgrnd)
3. ink and colour evening wear
4. production drawing of evening wear
5. find background for evening wear
6. IF POSSIBLE, CONSULT WILSON ON EVENING WEAR COLOURED FINAL TOO

FRIDAY:
1. print everything!
2. HAND IN BY NOON.

whew im like one day behind schedeule :(( who ask me go sleep last night, damn you lah grace. sleep what sleep, want die is it.

this is only everything i can predict thus far today, in 20min bina will give us nxt project. ok gtg CLASS TIME.

moot.

i want to do my work, i really do.

i REALLY do. serious.

so why am i not doing it??? fuck you grace you disgusting procrastinator and avid lover of the simpsons. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU.

and go do your work and stop eating. fucking pig.

thinking, or rearranging prejudices?

Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

one of my favourite poems of all time.

i wish i hated my life. i wish i could summon up an emotion as powerful as hate to prove i am alive.

because who says, really, that the life we are living is truly life? we could all be puppets controlled by a higher power. and by that i mean a parallel universe, or stuck in a limbo between life and non-life. maybe we're all just going through the notions of life without ever really living.

im alive functional. im living functioning.

when?

when have i stopped writing just to vent? yes, when?

when have i stopped communicating with myself? yes, when?

when did i lose interest in my life? yes, when?

when did i stop looking forward to tomorrow with eagerness? yes, when?

when did i let myself go? when did i lose hope? when did i stop believing? when did i start losing? when did i stop being happy? when did i stop loving? when did i start to hate? when did i learn to hate? when did i stop caring? when did i start to fade? when did i stop living?

yes, when?

when it all ends, when it all ended;

when is it ever over?

HI KANIKA

you call that bitching? i think we both know it's not. anyway whatever, i dont want to fight with you, so dont come pick a fight or play the victim by saying you dont hv the energy and dont want to deal with this because why the hell do you think i didnt go last night?

im not saying im the victim, i dont think anyone is here. im just saying that i said what i said because i felt an explanation was necessary for me not going, and i knew you would see it, which is why i posted it in the first place.

do you deny that my words ytd were things i would normally, and always, say? do you think your reaction was normal, and what you always would say? because i dont. and i understand that ppl have moods, but there was still no need for that big a reaction. and i only replied what i did because i felt i shdnt sweep it under the carpet like i always do in life and then explode one day. i dont confront ppl, you shd know that. you would think my saying smth would mean smth. but you didnt, and then you did smth i could NOT stand, you pretended everything was okay and nth had happened. and i hate that, hate that, hate that so much. you should know, because i told you how my mother does it. and i used to do it every single time with everyone in my life because confrontations were just too exhausting and im too wooden to know how to do it anyway. but since i realised that was one of the things i hated so much about my mother, and thus myself, i hv been trying to not do it anymore. if smth is wrong, then it is, and pretending it isnt just wont make it go away. so i only decided to not go when you did not reply.

had you replied, it wouldnt have mattered what you said. even if you called me a fucking bitch who only cares about myself. i probably would hv fought back, but at least it was us being honest to how we felt.

no one wants to fight, least of all me. but you need to know that sometimes, just sometimes, it IS exhausting dealing with you, because you expect everyone to know what to do at the appropriate moment and that you and only you are allowed to have the final say.

i know i sometimes i make you want to punch me,too. but if you dont say anth bout it, it's never gonna change. and just saying "why are you acting so annoying today" does not explain anth.

maybe im making a huge fuss over nothing at all, and i admit that i am a over sensitive person who pays too much attention to small details, but then again so are you, and sometimes its the smallest details that have the biggest impact on ppl. like,things i thought i could overlook turned out to be the things that make me mad over and over again, even months after it's happened. and i know i shd tell you about it, and maybe i have, but i dont rmb, and i think it means to you much less than what it meant to me.

maybe some things dont matter to you, but these same things matter to me. and if what matters to me doesnt mean anth to you, the least you could do is not disrespect it, and thus me. sometimes you insult ppl or things that matter to them without thought, and i dont understand why. im pretty sure i've told you this before, and i know this is a completely different issue from ytd, but it is relevant that you do say things that hurt ppl. maybe unintentionally, but repeatedly.
what i mean is, i feel like you've insulted me by pretending it was okay. am i not big enough an issue to want to resolve? if you were tired and didnt mean any insult, you could have said so. if you thought i was being unnecessarily probing, you could have said so IN A LESS TACTLESS TONE and i would have apologised.

by not saying anth, you implied that i was acting like an immature child that you did not want to degrade yourself by dealing with. you implied that i was acting out, and that replying would have been indulging my childish desires. at least, that's what i feel. and i know you cant be held responsible for the conclusion i drew. but you ARE responsible for inspiring that conclusion.

if i had gone, how was i supposed to act? follow your lead and pretend everything was okay and then try to hv a good time? i didnt want to fight, but i didnt think i would hv been able to do nothing, either. i didnt know how i was supposed to act when i saw you, confront you and make a scene and then ruin the night? i didnt think that was fair to both of us, or misato, after she arrived. or pretend to be happy? again, i didnt think that wld be fair to both of us, because that's what you do to be polite to ppl who dont matter or are insignificant. and you mean more to me that to dismiss like that. i didnt think it wld be fair for me to play nice when i felt anth but. or was i supposed to go over and apologise? i thought about it you know, i really did. but i didnt think i had done anything really wrong or deserved all the blame. the one thing i did do wrong was asking you so many questions when you were in an easily irritated mood. and apologising would hv meant that i was wrong and that it was okay for you to react like that, had you not apologised at all. because if i said i was sorry and you said it was okay and nothing else, i dont think it would be, okay, i mean. i didnt think i could deal with the possibility of that happening, and if it had, i didnt know what i would do. i wld be back in the confront or pretend it was okay situation again.

so i didnt go. i felt it would give me time to think about what i shd do and say. and it might have deflected a fight. and i was honest bout it, i didnt lie and make up an excuse like, i want to watch tv and eat meat. that would hv been disgusting and disrespectful to both you and me.

and now here we are, doing this. i wonder how this will turn out. and i dont know what i expect out of this, because im not angry and i dont want an apology, and actually i dont know what i want, except to not want this to happen again. so you were tired and i was being an irritant, but i had the same feelings before too, and usu i just drop it because escalating it would result in THIS. this being the angry reaction, then the angry defense. then i dont know what comes after that. i learned a long time ago it was easier to live and let live. and yes, i've become an escapist, but whatever, that's my own problem.

so now the ball's in your court, i've said what i probably never would have said or been able to say, and even though i may not hv expressed this best, at least i tried to, and i guess im glad.
where do we go from here?

lethargic beyond belief

Hi its me again. yawn. lethargic. im not going to kanika's party after all.

and its not because there's no chicken, or that i want to watch Flushed Away, or that i hv fuckloads of hmwk to do.

Nope,its just cos im insecure like I ALWAYS AM, and she's in a mood where every little thing will irritate her. And im not in the mood to deal w that. I dont want to apologise for being me,insecure as i might be. Because really, as incredible as it might seem, she annoys people too, not just the other way round.

I suppose i shd really go do commDI. Just not a good day for working, feeling super lazy and just want to stone..

BLURGHHH

hi.

i hv no motivation to do ANYTHING. like even typing this is killing me. i just want to eat/drink.

HAHHAHAHA YAY I CAN DO THAT TONIGHT.

kanika's folks are throwing a party.

i know watcha thinking, what?? she wants to go to a party some dude's PARENTS are throwing????

hhahahah yes i do. because kanika's mum makes awesomeeee cheeeken and like, indian parties hv fuckloads of food! and i love their parties. food good. gawd, all bout food, im sucha pig.

but like, i dont really care anymore. hahahaha fat is like, whatever. so what! muahahhhaha. i want to drink smth super cold and sweet. and eat smth salty, preferably fried.

MCDONALDS WOOHOO.

omg tht reminds me of amanda. HI AMANDA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS :D

AMANDA CHNG YI used to read my blog a lot when i used to INHALE macs by tonnes. that was in the jan-april period. fuck, i cant believe i had like 5mths of freedom and I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT.

wow i am a lazy fucking pig. fuck you grace!

i need to do commDI

i handed in fashion ilustration exercise 1 ytd. waaa i handed in damn late but ohwell, i finished everything! like, am proud of self. although the grades come back sure like shitzzz. that's what the others say, including the seniorsss and i trust Ashley. ashleyzzzxzxzz.

yawnzxzzx i am bored and restless and i want to like, fly.

although i'll prob be too lazy to flap my wings and then i'll fall and die anw.

omgggg im coughing like mad. think samantha passed me the fluzxzx.

fever and cough will follow.

SIGHZXZX.

it's hari raya! yay. taufiq is having fun. no idea what ppl do on hari raya but i bet its fun.

TAUFIQ, ELIZABETH. WE NEED TO DISCUSS OUR CAREER WEAR OUTFITSZXZXZ! RAH RAH. oh no that sounds like lady gaga's bad romance. damn it they keep singing it. NOOOOOOOOO.

like, i hv nth against her i just dont like this song THAT much. overplay overload OVERRRR.

i could go downstairs and get food but tht would require moneysss. and i am technically -$24. OMG HOW DID I MANAGE TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY OMG GRACE FUCK YOU!!!!

i love doing work. yeah right. okay actually it is right. i just hate STARTING work, you know that's always the hardest. i suppose i shd dig into nxt mth's allowance a bit more to reward myself.

wow the air outside the house is sooo much cooler than inside, esp my room. cause i am one hot mama :D hahahha just kidding.

lalallaallaalla bored ttm.

how does leslie do it? talked to him ytd and he said he was CONTENT WITH LIFE. like omggggg. how???? im SO NOT.

"windows thrown wide in hopes of tempting a breeze". that line just popped into my head. sounds like smth fr Harry Potter. lalallalaalalallalalallalallalalla ~DISCONTENTMENT~

food ensues.

WAAAA i opened my house door, and the cool wind blows RIGHT into my room. SHUANGZXZXZ MANXZXZX TTMMMMMMMM. super shuanggggg. top floor good for once.

i know, i can just switch on the aircon. but im trying to save the enviroment ok, i feel terrible for throwing so much paper away ytd OMGGG. im suck lah. i need a recycling bin.

im a suckerr im still not doing work. can go die alr, wth.

WEEKEND TOO SHORT

well the weekend has blazed by once again, and i hate it. i hate that weekends always do this. weekdays never pass by this quickly! argh. disgusted by your behaviour, weekend.

i wish i had one more day to enjoy slowly. and could it rain when i'm actually staying in,please? weather is very uncooperative.

yesterday was saturday. yesterday was great...

i woke up early and had a looooong leisurely brunch. then at 2 i went to meet KANIKA.

cue cheer.

she accompanied me to buy my copic markers cos when taufiq and i went to get them on friday art friend closed within like 7 MINTUES, THE AHOLES. heh.

and i took DAMN EFFING LONG to pick my colours, i am very indecisive. and i based all my choices upon heroes of the environment because i didnt think my beloved jewel tones were gonna cut it.

see, practical me.

i wish i had more money to buy more markers because truth be told i didnt really like some of the colours, i just kinda...settled. boohoo.

yeah we all know how we feel bout settling.

okay then after copic markers kanika and i went around city hall tiredly. we were tired for no reason. well she had football, and i well, i was with her. hahahha.

okay i cant tell you what we did, but it was fun, okay. like FUNNNN.

yeah we hung til bout seven thirty then she went to meet her sis and i went home cos i had to buy dinner for my mum. and i wanted to watch tv, hurhur.

YAY GAO YIXIANG. stubble. yummy. yay. i like. meifeng likes him, so because i am a friend who isnt the guy stealing bitch types, he is all hers and i aint gonna paw him or anth.

but nobody said i couldnt look my fill.
*drool*

he so kewwwwwt. awww. kay enough.

lalala.

YAY PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 1 AND 2 NXT WK. me will be watching no.2.

hope i dont slobber over orlando bloom cos im so over him. it was the legolas thing that i loved.

gao yixiang, yay. godfrey. i suspect it's actually geoffrey. cause godfrey's just....weird. hmm ok shut up grace, who you to comment on people's names. beeyatch.

he hot, me likey loads :D

OH WHAT A PRETTY DAY

the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the world looks beautiful after being washed... the start of a beautiful day!

good morning! it's about 8.15am and i dont start class til 3pm AND it's friday! so yup im in a good mood.

but why the hell am i up so early?

wellll.....

i slept at abt 5PM ytd afternoon! it was raining and such a marvelous weather to sleep in. plus my mom was home and i didnt feel like interacting w her so sleep was a good idea. but then i woke up at 8plus and decided i didnt feel like facing the blazing lights so i went back to sleep and lo and behold! it was 7AM today :D

yes, that was a 14 hr sleep.

SHIOK, BABY.

hahahha! i hv no idea how i managed to sleep that long, it's like 2days worth of sleep! i guess the less-than-6hr-sleep took a toll on me this wk.

but yeah i guess im used to waking early now, been doing it for more than a mth. really love the sun streaming into my room right now. oh no pls dnt let me turn into a morning person.

yay meifeng is online due to her not being able to sleep! yay someone to talk to.

bow i kinda dont know what to do w myself. i mean, i have like 6h til class starts and sure, i havent done my hmwk, but i really dont think it's gonna take that long. im a fast writer, loads to write abt.

am hungry, first things first. breakfast!

ice cream, shoes and bus rides.

Hi all! had a good midweek? It's been a fun wednesday for me in the sense that i didnt hv to sit in class all day.

we had fashion illustration w wilson and we drew like a half dozen articles of clothes sigh so asymmetrical,mine are. Must redraw.

Anw aft class eli crystal and i were supposed to wait for taufiq before gg to town to take pics for comm d.i. project. But he took super long cos of tp rawks camp. Yup camp i think. Then he arrived at one thirty and off we went!

I tell ya, we took a super short time for the pics! We were done within an hr! So cool.

And then we made a trip to art friend for fipd stuff and like wow, copic markers are EXPENSIVE, baby.

I ended up buying one pen. Lol.

But we did it again. I cant believe it. Hahaha.

Elizabeth, taufiq and i went off unexpectedly again! There we were, going abt town doing nothing but random window shopping.

It was so funny cos we went to see both male and female apparel tgt hahaha. imagine looking at heels and boxers in one sitting. Haha.

From taka we went to ion and then all the way to orchard central. Tiring. And omg marymount girls just took over my bus. Scary. Eek she's too near me. Scaryyy kanika save me. Omg. Okay.

it was like 6 by then, so we went to novena planning to do our work at udders but when we arrived we realised it was full and a class was gg on so taufiq and i camped at mac instead while eli went to work. at udders. Teehee.

And i actually finished my work! Tht's the best part lah, you know how i usu dont if im outside.

Marymount girls are noisy. Lol im not being mean, im serious.

Anyhoo.

Taufiq damn cute he keep erasing and drawing over and over again! Seriously think too much, his drawings were ok lor! Had to be there to see the funny side.

and then we left round nine thirty and now im on the bus and i wish the girl wld stay further away fr me. Personal space, you know.

I hate when ppl invade my personal space. waa like just now otw to udders. best, i tell you. Cant stand it alr, gonna glare at the girl now.

Ok bye babes! Im broke, anyone wanna treat me? Hurhur. Toodles! Loveeee.

WELCOME TO PARKWAY

hiya! Am in train on the way home fr paya lebar...i know, what am i doing here when i ended sch before 5???
Well aft the research workshop elizabeth, taufiq, crystal and i went to look for our lecturer bina w qns regarding our assignment.

Then aft tht short short meeting eli, taufiq & i decided to go down to parkway parade! Hahah i noob, first time there. There's koi there too, & taufiq first timer! lol he likes it too. Anw it was v funny cos we talked abt alot weird things and super unexpected. Like, eli was craving koi so she psycho us to bus down w her and i was like, oh so early, ok lor! hahaha.

Then as we were eating dinner at banquet there were all these sparrows eyeing our food and flying overhead us. Very scary. Can dive/shit at any moment.

Aft tht we went to charles&keith for a bit, and it began to pour like mad! And i mean POUR. Like all the water was splashing off so hard, there was a dense mist (lol oxymoron!) of vapour! Snow-like rain.

Hmm just got distracted by my reflection in city hall mrt stn. Like my outfit today v much hehe. Then like now im waiting for nxt train cos i dont wanna squeeze w all the gan chiong ppl.

Ok anw. Yeah the rain too heavy for us to attempt to walk to the bus stop so eli said she'll cab down and drop us off at paya lebar stn! ^^ happiness.

Yay elizabeth. hahaha.

Then the ride was super fast! Zoom zoom reach alr. Like two roads only. And at the stn taufiq and i made mad dash for shelter. Lol funny. And taufiq tried to talk to me but talk to wrong person, some stranger. HAHA his reaction.

Lol i dunno lah i just think the whole adventure was v light hearted and fun. And now im halfway home and sadness, i still need to do a lot of things when i get home. Like vacuum. House super dusty w all my eraser dust. Dont like eraser dust.

Must make invention turn eraser dust into petrol. Teehee.

Tmr off to town aft fashion illustration class! Crystal driving us down, woohoo so cool right. Im constantly surprised that we hv drivers amongst the class. Feel tres old now. Me is oldie :O

sigh only 2mths 2days til i turn 18. Oldness.

one year ago today, i was having prom. Sighhh. Nth to say. Surreal feeling. prom was like a blaze of flashes and smiles. And v little food. And well, me worrying abt my hair. Amongst other things. Ohwell.

I guess i just love kanika a lot. And yiyin for staying over. And my dress. ADORE my dress ttm. You guys shd see it.....one day, if i ever post my pics. Hahahhaah one year ltr and still i dont post. Need photoshop first lah.

Am at tpy stn now! Til nxt post, dahlings!

L L

my awesome skirt that isn't

hi non-existent readers, am currently in design canteen w elizabeth and her two friends michelle and zy. Michelle is having prom later, so exciting right!

Anw.

I'm very displeased by my new skirt from fave store pull and bear. I'd eyed it for close to two months when I finally got it bout two wks back and I'd bought uk size 6 initially cause it fit perfectly. Which,as it turned out, was also the problem. It fit perfectly. It was exact. It was also tight after food had been consumed. Cause genius that I was, I'd bought it before dinner.

So I decided to bring it back for an exchange cause I assumed it'd shrink in the wash and then where would I be? With a too tight skirt I loved but couldn't wear.

I thought my reasoning was so smart.

So on saturday I went back to exchange for a uk size 8 and it fit okay, kinda loose, but I figured it'd be alright once I'd washed it.

I'm wearing it now and it is LOOSE, baby, LOOSE. I'm so soaking it in cold water when I get home.

So cold, it's raining now. Wish I was wearing tights. I love those babies, tights.

F451

"He felt his smile slide away, melt, fold over, and down on itself like a tallow skin, like the stuff of a fantastic candle burning too long and now collapsing and now blown out. Darkness. He was not happy. He was not happy. He said the words to himself. He recognized this as the true state of affairs. He wore his happiness like a mask and the girl had run off across the lawn with the mask and there was no way of going to knock on her door and ask for it back."

the wkend in between freedom

hi ppl I just got home and I am lazy to take a bath.

Misato got a brazilian! Omg! She was scared abt her EYEBROWS this time last year. I dont understand why she wants a brazilian though, lol. It's funny. Hahaaha i just saw her in the longest time.

They having a sleepover at her pad, her ex classmates. Kanika and i just kinda crashed at ten plus cos it was early and we didnt wanna go home.

Like we were just at holland v and we were like, m's got food, wanna go? Lol. And now k's staying over too. Sadness ttm. I get to miss all the fun, woot.

Yeah my mum doesnt get the whole, "im old and can take care of myself, besides everyone's there and SAFE" thing. Didnt seem to stop her from leacing me alone in singapore when she went overseas though. Interesting.

of screens and teens

hello all! im in drawing essentials class now and everyone is like rushing their A2 sized final assignment. and i was too until a moment ago when i went to the toilet. my eyes are so tired from focusing on a little part of the picture on screen! so now im blogging to just like, relax a bit. although this still involves staring at the screen, so yeah, great idea grace.

lalala. this morning in creative writing paul didnt manage to consult everyone and i was one of those who didnt get a consultation but oh well i can still email him but but but like, i dont have a solid plot in my head.

i was thinking of using either my just-so story or my new take on the fairytale thing, but it seems kinda....easy? as in like, im simply reusing my idea, i feel like im stupid or smth. so then i came up with a few other ideas but nothing is like, GRIPPING me with inspiration.

there is one though that i thought of that is pretty cool, but only if im able to pull it off with really well written descriptives.

like this is one of those that im misleading the audience into thinking smth when its actually really another thing, so it has to be really well crafted, you know?

so i dont plan on sleeping tonight to chiong it. huiting thinks very highly of me and was lke, but it's not like it's v hard for you to come up with smth.

awww. i appreciate that, but...

well that's true, but it doesnt mean whatever i come up with i'd like. like, you know sometimes you have ideas and then you have great ideas. ideas turn out to be cute and passable, even entertaining. but great ideas will take the readers on a ride and it'll stay with them for a while. memorable. great ideas are...elusive.

i mean, i cold just write a crappy story that'll let me scrape pass a pass, but i love writing and i wanna be proud of my work. if i write like, a story that goes nowhere and is just one of my normal monolougue-ish types, then i'll probably chuck it somewhere and never read it again.

that's not good.

i already wrote the whole monolouge thing for my journal entries. i hope paul liked them, but im not gonna take a chance on it and do the same thing again. if he didnt like them at all, i'll be commiting suicide. if he did, he'll probably get bored of the same thing from me and grade me poorly.

and i know i didnt do so well for my second assignment cos well....it wasnt anything spectacular. it was kinda plain and boring. sadness.

and then the third assignment......i did it on Fahrenheit 451 and i had too much to say and didnt express it well or completely missed the point. i just feel so like, failure ttm.

i dont expect like smth completely PSYCHO COOL IN A SCARY BUT AWESOME WAY ala Snow, Glass, Apples, but at least smth like, I DID MY BEST AND ITS PRETTY KICK-ASS BY ME. hmm. that doesnt make sense when you read the whole sentence.

argh basically i just wanna put in a lot of effort in it.

and then after handing it in tmr morning i'll chiong A2 drawing the whole day and night for submission on friday noon.

okay okay, this is turning out to be quite long, imma go now, expect me to blog sometime in the mid of the night woohoo witching hour omg that is so cool i shd totally tell ppl to use that in their story cause i cant in mine.

TO THE SUPERMARKET! (for caffeinated drinks for tonight)

i see red

my mum just came home and immediately picked a fight with me.

this time it was about me wearing supposedly revealing clothes. i dont understand this at all. i DO NOT wear revealing clothes. in fact, i try away from all knds of low cuts, and i even hate wearing anth without sleeves these days.

i do NOT wear revealing clothes. i find a need to repeat this because it is true and shd refuses to listen to reason. she says that day i came home wearing a low cut top, and in actualy fact do you know what that was? a tank top. a freaking normal tank top from cotton on. and it wasnt even a v neck or low in any way. and i was fully wearing a jacket.

do you need my argument here? it was a TANK TOP. everyone wears them! including her, i might add. it was not REVEALING!

plus i dont see her problem, it's not like i even had anything to show down there. i mean, i have shrinked greatly. expanded largely in many areas, but this is the one area where i have SHRUNK. like two sizes or something. so what is her deal? im practicaly flat!!!

like, if she'd brought up this argument last year i would have maybe seen her point. but even back then, ever since i'd hit puberty, practically, she's never had a problem before, and might i say, i wore much more "REVEALING" tops back then! i never touch those anymore, i basically LIVE in tank tops and jackets now, and they are decent and NOT REVEALING!!!! (the NOT REVEALING part is said in a scream, because that's how frustrated i am)

so then i pointed out that i do not wear such clothes and that even if i do, what can i do about it? it's not like i have other clothes to wear. which is TRUE 100%. i mean, given my constant expansion, all my t-shirts are too small and tight or short and i dont have the means to buy new clothes!

because if she thinks tank tops are revealing, she'd better buy me a new wardrobe, cause that's about all i wear these days. did you not see my tweet earlier? i hardly wear t-shirts anymore. jackets are a fat girl's best friend. and they are worn over tank tops, if the weather here has anything to say about it.

thus i said so, the fact that i wear them cause i havent got anth else to wear, and i was all, "YOU BUY ME OTHER CLOTHES LAH, NOTHING ELSE FITS ME OKAY." yes, i was angry. she was picking a fight when she'd just arrived home!

and then she had the nerve to go, "i know, you say i no money buy you clothes. but you also never open your mouth to ask. you want to buy branded clothes, i cannot afford all the branded clothes you want. i where got money?"

BRANDED CLOTHES.

THE NERVE.

like omg!!!!! firstly, i do not buy branded clothes!!!!! and i dont even mean branded like Chanel and Burberry kind of branded. i mean the other brands, like Levi's and Guess and even freaking The Gap (which is still not branded btw!!!). i get all my clothes from major chain stores like Topshop, Pull and Bear and Forever 21! and these are like the overseas' version of freaking Giordano!!!!!!

I MEAN, WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOP? other than these stores, i frequent blogshops. and that's about it! my closet is like, Miss Selfridge, Mango and Topshop mostly. and that's because im an F3 member! which entitles me to discounts! which saves money!!!

i swear she expects me to shop at places like This Fashion, Bossini, Hang Ten and omg, Ocean Pacific.

i dont even have anth to say to that. it's just NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

i mean, i really cant think of other places i buy from, aside from basics at Cotton On and random finds i sometimes come across at odd shops. im not a girl who frequents Far East Plaza, or Bugis Street. i cant bear the crowd there. and even my other articles of clothing. like shoes. jeez, i cant even tell you the last time i bought a pair. i think it was CNY? seriously. what does she mean, branded. i think she thinks Mango and Topshop are branded. they are not. they are like, major retail stores, simply the higher end i.e. more stylish version of Giordano. Giordano doesnt even sell nice tees. their plain white tees are CLINGY. not a good thing to have in a tee.

SECONDLY.

i dont open my mouth to ask? the only times i even BRING UP the subject of me needing a new bag/pair of shoes/pair of shorts, she gets all uptight and shows her pinched-up face and mouth and gives her most bu shuang look. AND I DIDNT EVEN ASK FOR ANYTHING YET, I JUST MENTIONED THE NEED FOR IT. im telling you, the only times she gives me money or buys me anything, she does so reluctantly. VERY reluctantly. and then she acts as though she's just done the most wonderful thing on earth and bestowed me with something sacred.

im sure.

half the time the only thing she's done is buy me something i desperately need because the one i previously had was flling apart at the seams. the other half she's bought me something because she hadnt done so in a long long long time and was feeling guilty.

for example, last year my birthday present was a pair of sandals that cos $36.90. and dont tell me its the little things that matter most, because that was the only thing she bought me for a while. and it's not even like we're desperately poor until she cant afford to buy me anything! no! she frequently comes home with shopping bags just because there was a sale or she felt she needed a new blouse/pair of shoes/belt/shirt. i dont understand why, if she feels the spontaneous impulse of buying a new shirt to make herself feel good about life/herself, she doesnt think i do too. no. im only to buy things i really need.

oh and i suppose she really needs all those clothes she has in her closet and is still adding to every few weeks. i buy like one top every few months because that's the best i can afford.

while i'd admit that the things i buy are slightly more costly than hers (that's because she shops at This Fashion, im sad to say, and no one forced her. she likes it there. sadly.) they arent exorbitant. one of my tops average about $30-$40. is that a lot? if your answer is yes, think. do you see tops going for less than $20 these days? im pretty sure the answer is no unless there's a major sale. $29.90 is considered dirt cheap nowadays. and almost impoosible. and that's only 10 cents lesser than my average. and my tops really do average $30-$40. i wont lie, some are $40-$50, but they're not the majority of my closet. but even so, i dont think they are that expensive given the prices these days, and the quality guaranteed in franchise stores like Pull and Bear. (their knits are soooo comfy, i love my pullover)

like i said, we're not desperately poor. and she buys herself things, i dont see why she has to act as though buying me things is the most difficult thing on earth. esp since im her daughter. and i hardly ask for anth from her. a few mths back, after not buying anth for almost 8mths, she gave me $100 to spend on anth i wanted, and she acted like....she had given me a credit card or smth.

if we are all smart ppl like i think we are, i think we can estimate that a hundred bucks can buy me, at best, 2 tops and 1 pair of tights (tights fr Topshop cos i love the variety and discount) with a few dollars leftover. or, 1 bottom (skirts or shorts start from $39.90, up to $59.90) and 1 top or, 1 really cheap bag and 1 top. or 1 really good quality bag. or 1 such jacket.

anyway, i think you get what i mean. that $100 im supposed to receive with reverance? yeah well it aint all that much. it buys me 3things at best, and 1 of them (the tights) not even smth i can wear alone without pants. she has been this way my whole life, so much so that im even afraid to ask for anth, because i hate the way she acts (the pinchy face and mouth) and how she puts me on a guilt trip for buying a skirt that cost $27.50.

i mean, if she doesnt want to being all this up, dont mention my clothes. or lack therof. because im not suppose to raise myself, or buy all my own clothes with my allowance (which i mostly do)

and most importantly, she shdnt exaggerate.

she says all these things, like "you always do this, you always buy that." and usually i've done such thing maybe once, at most twice or thrice. and she brings it up five years later when i havent done so ever again.

i hate it when she does that. hate. it. i want to slap her face and force her to see reason. to see truth. to SPEAK the truth. and stop effing whining.

some may say, "omg grace, why are you being sucha bitch? just get a fucking job."

i realise that. but i beseech you to see things from my POV. i mean, if she doesnt want me to do smth, the least she could do is set an example and do the same, so i'll follow. not do the exact thing she asks me not to and expect me to not do so as well (im talking about the shopping here.her attitude is a whole other argument.) PLUS its not like i ask her for extra money. because i dont.

also, i happen to think that as much as independent individuals go, im not ready for a job. all that responsibility? all that having to take whatever's thrown at me? i dont know. i would like to try, but im scared. but thats really beside the point, im talking about my mother here.

i cant stand her hypocrisy.

and at this point, there are some things i really need. like shoes and slippers, mine have spoilt. i still have a healing cut my slippers' base gave me. (metal. ouch.) and shirts, mine are too small. and shorts, i havent enough to last a week. and some skirts, i really havent got fitting ones. and if i could, i would really like a jacket. but that's not really a neccessity. but to ask for these would be her giving me a guilt trip that wont stop until about six months later. and no christmas or birthday present. and her having to ask me whether it's okay to not give me any. i dont understand why she does this. it's like rhetorical.

like, what else am i really supposed to say? is there any other answer? if she doesnt want to give me smth, she pretends like its my idea to not get it? i hate this more than anth. it makes me want to sob. seriously. is there a right answer?

feeling very drained right now. too tired to continue this further. if someone only did the same to her, how would she feel? dealing with her is exhausting, i wish she knew that.

the sunlight dappled world

ever since i went to poly i've increasingly felt like i have no life.

i know, i know, im sucha little liar.

but it's still true. well recently, anyway.

i know the same cant be said for when i really JUST started poly cause tht was awesome, cos i started out so slack and i went out after sch like, everyday, practically.

then the double modules came and suddenly i was juggling work like crazy. i ALWAYS procrastinate no matter what i tell myself. and so i always have work to do after sch or on weekends, so meeting friends become a luxury i can barely afford.

and then i go and read all my friends' blogs and they're having so much funa nd i dont care what they say about sacrificing during exams, it's like, they KNOW the exams will end one day but like, poly life is a constant race. you can NEVER stop running or else you WILL get ousted.

and i dont want to get ousted.

and for them life in school is like a party because they get to see all their friends everyday. yeah well for me not so much, because luck has it that most of my good friends have totally conflicting schedules with me. i'll finish just as they start or they'll end just as i begin. it's sucky, to say the least.

i know it'll get better, we cant hv totally conflicting schedules for the next 6 mths. and at least now huiting has the same timing as i do, but the block's about to end.

which is horrible, cause im loving these two classes! yes, i know, i cant believe im loving drawing essentials too. but carol is so nice! and im actually drawing. its weird.

and obviously i would love creative writing. but like, im so not used to churning out stories anymore. i still dont have a plot for my short story, and im running outta time.

sigh if i would jst stop procrastinating. but ppl are never free in when i am, and i them.

and i hate it when the others are like, huh you dont have holidays meh? like fuck you what do you want me to say? you come and take a look at my schedule lah, and stop making yourself sound so effing tortured. like, YOU signed up for it. like seriously, you PUT DOWN YOUR NAME WILLINGLY.

and you all, i dont have the luxury of chilling until its crunch time, i.e., exam period, and then mugging til i die, any more. so you dont try to mess with MY schedule.
if i ask you out on some day, it means it's because i cant on the others, so dont effing try to change it.
"oh i cant, i have this and that...." will YOU spare a thought for MY this and that?
i mean, fuck you, it's SUBMISSION WEEK. LAST WEEK OF BLOCK. i DO NOT have the time to entertain you. so yeah.

i wish all these ppl would just stay far far away from me. because im not the type who can say it out loud, because i just hate confrontations. especially that person. like, i really dont care what you do, but PLEASE stop rubbing it in my face. i cant help if i have standards. and morals thoughts of consequence. and feelings, that's very important. dont you think you hurt me by doing what you did/do?

like seriously, when i think about what you do, it sickens me. just a bit, but still. how could you SELL OUT like that? i'll admit maybe i never knew you as much as i knew my other friends, but shouldnt it still be gradual?
im not gonna lie, i do think you're selling out. and for what? maybe i dont know them as you do, but you know them just how much? and for how long is this gonna last?

i cant judge you, i have no right to, but im allowed to have an opinion. and because i still care about you, im not gonna voice these opinions i have to anybody. they will remain here, and you know nobody will see them.

maybe you've done it before already, but that doesnt mean you cant stop. i mean, really? i know i say a lot of shit, but some shit does come from experience. i've done shit i regret, but i cant take it back, and it still disgusts me that i am who i am, but i cant change what's already done. all i can say is that it just sucks i was around people who didnt know how to care for me. and forgive me if i lie, and not share these things, because no matter how much i love you guys, i dont think you're ready to know the truth about me. most of all, i dont think I am ready to face the truth about me. it's too late for me, but you still have a chance to make your own decisions, and as your friend, i sure aint gonna stand by and watch you do anything you're not ready for.

i was too young then, to make a responsible decision, and i cant tell you ignorance is not bliss.

i cant protect all those i loved. i've loved and lost those i care about before, and im too stupid to know how to repair these relationships. i just dont want to lose more.

maybe you dont care anymore, but i still do. i dont think i'll ever stop, unless you explicitly ask me to. just know that if you have anything to say to just get off your back or need help about, i will be here, and i will never judge you for what you did or are going to do, because i have benefitted from awesome ppl who offered me no judgement before and i wanna pay it forward.

all this coming from a person who has no life.

maybe i shd use this time to care more about the lives of others whom i care about. honestly, i see to little of that going around these days, and i can tel you from experience that it does not feel good, when someone you care about and thought cared for you too doesnt really actually seem to care all that much.

i am a weak, weak person.

there's someone else i care about out there who is going through things, and who thinks i dont know, but i think i have an idea. and i dont know how to tell you to open up to me. how do i tell you i care? how do i show you?

I wish i could save you
I wish i could say to you i'm not going nowhere
I wish i could say to you it's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

-Save You, Kelly Clarkson

Drama and possibilities.

that's basically what this post is abt.

My face is fucking round. Obscenely so. It's disgusting.
Oh Sweet Lord, take me now.

I do like this class though, Carol's really nice and i feel like if someone thinks i can do it, i probably can. Like, it's not impossible. And i did do portraits before so i cant say i cant do it.

Do you believe in me?

Drawing Essentials portrait drawing

i do not like this portrait drawing thing. I did this in sec2 and did quite well, but back then i wasnt as hideous to look at. hard to believe, i know, but babes, its true.

So.

We're having a break now and im blogging while trying to make my gastric less horribly painful. Gulping milo like nobody's business while asmine plays some game beside me. It looks really fun, hahaha. Had a tap tap wrestling match w ashley this morning before class! Am unable to blog more as i cant figure out how to scroll down. Later!