love, life and library

sup babes.



just reached home not long ago.



went to meet Besties for a birthday lunch at like one-ish and had a ton of pizza. bleh i dont think i'll be eating that again anytime soon. so Kanika, when we go to Timber (?) im staying away from the pizza, great as you say it is!



anyway Besties got Reuben (or Rooburn, as he's taken to spelling his name) and i this REALLY HARD brownie cake that was like, ROCK HARD. hah i know i said it was hard, but dude! it was HARD. lol i shd know, i cut it. but it was fun cutting it. ("fuck you fats! dieeeee carbs!" *stabs viciously*)



hurhur.



then they gave us our presents, which i didnt open there and then. hah.



and off we went. everyone left. great day.



i went to meet Kanika and Pris, who were upstairs waiting for me. yay! luckily it was them. love them to bits and pieces and cells. lucky i didnt bring my penknife out.



as usual we ended up sitting at a food place for damned long. and talking. apparently we saw yiyin and her bf but i didnt really see, K did though. lalala ok what we did isnt really like, bloggable. what we have is precious beyond words. hahah! ;)



but i think the best was when we went to the library cause then we found some places i think we'll go on our roadtrip which we are apparently really going on, next yr before i start Final Year. omg. i dont think i'll hv the money, but okay....
aft K left P and i went to look at our fave TRN hahahha no prizes as to what those are and yep i think we spent over an hour looking at them but anw we ended up getting 2books each teehee we are geeks.

so now here i am at home, just had my dinner and gonna work on the project blog after this. and then the ppt after that. sigh. i dont wanna do the ppt alone, so hopefully tmr we can meet like at 10am to finish it before my noon class. i cant wait to end sch at 3pm!!!! so exciting. and then since im having 3D art fun., i'll probably need to stay back to do work alot, so i can stay late and it still wont be like, uber late! i might even get to go home at 6 :)))

yay happiness.
okay happiness must wait, i must go do work now :(
and here i was thinking i could have a nice night reading.

too strong to care

fucking unhappy.
dont know why.
got an idea of why but am too much of coward to explore possibility.
need an escape.
need to escape.
need a friend.
need pills.
has not eaten properly since monday.
need to eat properly.
need to open window and jump out.
knows where the keys are, fortunately/unfortunately.
you decide.
fuckshit.
screwed up mess of pretence.

time to see a doctor. the psycho analyst type.
goodbye.

Grace, 18 and still a freshman

here i am in a brand new shade of blue
stumble as i go in some effed up freebie shoes
i walk for miles n miles to get through all this pain
but i'm OK, i'm OK, here i go!

oh life has changed like a holiday
feels so damn good like Hollywood
i'm gonna, i'm gonna
shove this life in your face gonna give you a taste

let's get it on, got the wheels, hit the ground
these rocky roads ain't gonna slow our joyride down
i ran for miles and miles naked in the rain
and i'm OK, i'm OK, here i go!

hey yea, hey yea, i'm gonna turn your world around
hey yea, hey yea, i'm gonna turn it upside down

oh life has changed like a holiday
feels so damn good like i knew it would
i'm gonna, i'm gonna
shove this life in your face gonna give you a taste

hey yeah, i'm gonna give you a taste

sup lovelies. as you can see i pretty much ignored the com after wednesday WHEN MY BLOCK ENDED :DDDD
yes freedom is awesome.
i played thurs and fri away w my grp for creative storytelling cos the project was more like fun than work. teehee farnieeee.

anw.
i cant believe im at home. im supposed to go out. and i will. after i hv fun w the computer.

i forgot to buy smth v impt ytd before gg home! damn dumb please.
no matter, will buy it ltr.

rah rah rah i havent got much to say.

im bored with life woot and omg from monday i will hv only one module per block til next yr! nxt yr being the start of YEAR2 JUNIOR YR in April hahahhaha im still a freshman omg.

I dreamt of Godfrey Gao Yi Xiang! and he was lke hanging out w Meifeng and us the gang and it was weird. hmm. cool right? and then somehow somehow i realised in the dream we were texting abt some random stuff like "oh what happened to you" that kinda thing and he called me baby :D
twice :DDDDDD


ahahhahahahahhahaahahahahhahahahahhahhahhaha.

okay enough. gonna go now toodles babies :D

points to eyes, then point to you

neilissocuteeeee
:)

hurhurhurhurhurhurhurhur

WORKWORKWORK YOU'RE TRYING TO SQUASH ME LIKE THE WAY I SQUASH A STRESS BALL. I AM ON TO YOU. BUT LIKE A STRESS BALL I WILL REVERT TO MY ORIGINAL SHAPE AND SIZE YOU CHICKEN BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ehhh. who reads this huh? i thought only meifeng and yingyu and kanika reads my blog and even they come here like once every 60 days so who told Cliff about my weird dream where my friends and i all sat in the pouring rain at a void deck table which was strangely placed in the middle of a badminton court?? yes the one whr he was blonde. i didnt state the whole venue cos it's really too weird later i kena catch put in white sterilised room and poked at by doctors. who?? it wasnt huiting! =.=

throat mad itchy today! not sore no more though :) thank you God :))

Goodbye, farewell seventeen!

Au revoir seventeen year old Grace, you will not be missed

hurhur.

:]


Honey, you're 18 now. Eighteen! A whole new world awaits.
Spread your wings and fly!
...

WATCH THIS SPACE.

TOY POODLE LOVE

i really think that the TOY POODLE might just be the cutest dog EVERRRRR. i really really want one of my own!!

i found a picture

black toy poodle! insanely cute, and i guess the guy's not bad too...

hurhur.

i still havent been to cherie's! she got a toy poodle puppy for her bday last yr and i still havent been to visit!!!! i really must. stupid block schedules put us apart...plus i've lost all my contacts arghhh.

awww im sorry, but the little dog's so kewtttt. ahem. i mean, cute. just like a little teddy bear! but alive and warm and so much better!!!

im so in love. cue warm fuzzy feelings.

dude holding the little critter is Neil Haskell, recognise him from So You Think You Can Dance season 3? i thought he was really sweet in the episode where he partnered Lacey Schwimmer.

Neil quit twitter so i had to go fb-search him, and i found this pic there :)

i was looking for a pic of all of them tgt, i think. and there was one w Kameron! he is v cute. v cute.

kay enough guytalk. blurghhh.

(yes they eek me right now)

awwwww i keep looking at the dog.

LOVE.

Beautiful lie

That person i talked to and the person i didnt talk to were two so awesomely different people
How can i still remember and smile when i feel so guilty?
And is it wrong to think fondly on my memories if i dont know if they were real? Except how can they not be if they EXIST?
I really hate myself
I should hate you, but you didnt do anything wrong, except be rude, but that's not reason enough to hate a person
I hate how reasonable i am about this.
I know about now, but i dont know about then, and actually i dont think i care.
I just feel so...so...hypocritical by remembering those times and feelings and associating them with you! it's like you degrade my memories just by being in them, actually.

So what do i do about that?

choking on my broken breath

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

Almost given up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

Who's that girl?

apr 09'

nov 08'

apr 08'






recognise that girl?





i dont.

na na na na na na

who's that girl?

Cruel, you

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters, if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines.

I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall and stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready,
When he meant Let go,

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me, always be
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines.

I feel terrible, everytime i sneeze it's like, OUCHFUCKYOU.
yeah it hurts.

anyway im tiredddd. did loads of chores today even though im sick. and im still so in love with that awesome song. go listen to it.

I WANNA LEARN TO PLAY THE KEYBOARD.
cause it's portable unlike the piano, even though if you learn to play the piano you will definitely know how to play the keyboard. i think.

ah keyboard.
i cant believe my mum said no when my cousin wanted to give me her old keyboard (which wasnt v old) cos she had no space for it.
i swear my mum robbed me of all chances to learn anything new. i mean, if i had some latent talent, i could have like pounded on the keyboard and discovered it. but no, she didnt even give me the chance to pound on anything.
no money, no nothing.
i hate being poor.
i just want to be sufficient, not rich.

Kanika's hilarious.

anyway.

i am a terrible person.
but hey, if you know you're ___ then dont USE that awful unflattering angle! it is SO BAD, it makes you look twice as ___. im sorry, i really wanna be nice, but you're making it difficult. please just stop.
oh gawd. i will stop.
:(

on a different note, i am starting to really develop a liking for babies. hell. this cannot be happening. i am losing my identity!!
(i just watched the ending of Taohua Xiaomei and the babies were like, cute. but not as cute as the dogs! AWWW.)

doggiiiie.

Godfrey Gao Yi Xiang <3

Trouble Is

I could slip so easily into you
If I let myself go
I could let my wildest dream come true
You never know
How it's gonna wind up in the end
Will we be lovers or not even friends?

Trouble is, I like the taste too much and I can't think straight
People change, and will you still be here after today
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall

Don’t forget, the promises we made
When I got off the plane
We’d be back together once again
And we would stay the same
Sometimes I think love can last
But sometimes I think forever is the thing of the past

Trouble is, I like the taste too much and I can't think straight
People change, and will you still be here after today
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall

Everything’s so temporary.
Hold too tight and things just slip away.
And then you hold me, I’m in place

Trouble is, I like the taste too much and I can't think straight
People change, and will you still be here after today
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall

I don't know which way to fall

The deadline for the final assignment, assignment 3 for HoCos has been pushed back to wed, 20jan, 6pm. im not sure how i feel about this.
on one hand, it's more time to work on it, which is super, super good.
on the other hand, it's less time to celebrate. which, i suppose, isnt all that bad. okay. im rubbish, the extension is good. it's awesome.

anyway, i got an email from Wilson asking me to explain why i didnt attempt Quiz #5 & #6 and i was like, O.O
because i did do #6, you know, so i was like, oh no! what???

so it was only after i replied that #5 closed by the time i logged in (10plus, i think, and it closed at 10pm) but i did do #6, that i realised that he'd sent the email at 14.30pm ytd, and i hadnt seen it until just now, so that means that i only did the quiz a full 4hrs plus after he sent me the email.

which is perfectly okay, or so i thought.
because he'd told us that the quiz would be open til 22oohrs ytd, and i completed it at like 7pm, so i thought it would be fine.
i dont know, i shall just wait for his reply.

sigh, how do i always manage to get myself into this kind of shit? meaning trouble. because i dont want to be a bad kid, and im trying really, really hard.
but i suppose trying really hard isnt enough, it's trying your BEST that matters.

shit, i really am trying.

i KNOW i missed #5, and i beat myself up real bad for it, and i still feel like crap about it, but there's nothing i can do! is it wrong to want to move on? or should i obsess incessantly about it?

ugh. i disgust myself. i hate you, grace, so much sometimes.

whatever.

moving on.

my throat still hurts majorly. i downed loads of luo han guo alr, but it doesnt seem to be working. it hurts to speak and swallow and im still coughing and im worried that it may escalate into a full-on flu. I HOPE NOT.

also, im having a tough time with Assignment 3, i was really confused about the instructions at first, but im starting to get it now.

feel super tired. i cant get to sleep at night, and i have trouble waking up in the morn, but i still get tones of sleep. but when i wake up i still feel like going back to sleep! like right now, crawling into bed and getting some shut-eye sounds really good. but that's crazy talk, i have work to do.

i think it's a combination of the mild illness and my period that's making me so tired. i hate being a girl.

Homer makes being a guy look so easy, all you gotta know is "Point and shoot," HAHAHHAHA. i watched that episode last week.

my left arm hurts for no reason. either i have rheumatism, or im getting bodyaches - a flu symptom.
i kinda think it's rheumatism.

going to work on creative storytelling now, bye bye boo!

Pass the herbal tea

I used to be a little bit shy
I kept my deepest feelings inside
Speaking up to you about my emotions has always been hard
But this just can't wait
Tonight I feel a little bit brave
So I won't let one more day pass without you explaining what we are

A lot of things I can take
Got a high thresh hold for pain
But let's get one thing straight
I'm not down to share you with anyone
If that's not what you're looking for
Nice knowing you but there's the door
Cause I know that I can find someone
Who'll give me what I want

This is gonna sound kind of silly
If you're looking over your shoulder
Then you don't need to be with me
And I don't need to hold on

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't wanna stick, trust me it's cool
Take no chance, get over you
No no, don't let me stop you
If you wanna leave baby you can leave
Just don't pretend that you're into me
If it ain't true, no
Don't let me stop you

Even if I end up broken hearted
I won't lie
I don't wanna hear goodbye
But either way I'll be alright

Am on a victory high! i may have missed the last quiz cos i was dumb and forgot about it, but today i scored full marks for the last quiz for this module! WOOT!

YEAH BABY LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAHHHHHHHH!

and im very proud of myself for being real, even though i had some screwed up dream last night that was completely DISGUSTING, but hey, im proud to say that i was strong and commendable in the dream! i did me proud. sometimes i love me. awesome, Grace! as London would say, "Yaaaaay, me!"

had another weird dream about me buying a macbook, which isnt that weird, but it involved me and a group of friends who dont know each other, like Cliff and Juanne and Danny. all 3 of them are from different groups. but it was really funny cos in my dream Cliff had some weird blonde hairstyle and Juanne had a black macbook that had foldable speakers attached. and then we all went to sit at some table, in the rain. i proceeded to open my umbrella, then we got chased away by the police, and Danny left his bag there and i almost got into a fight w some girl. HAH. weird, right?

yep, definitely a lot of weird dreams last night cause i overslept. woke up at like 1.30pm when i usu wake up at 11+.
wow, just made my life sound really easy, as though i dont hv to go to sch.
hah well, only for these two days. other days i hv night class fr 6-9pm.
and the only reason i can sleep in til so late is cos my other module is an e-learning class so all our work is done at home, or online.

so chill, im sufferin' right along with y'all.

and when i woke up this morning my throat hurt like hell, and i started coughing like mad, so yeah, sufferin', baby, sufferin'.
throat is mad itchy, making me cough! and even when it's itchy it still hurts, FML!
need luo han guo. bad.

i hope this goes away by the weekend, what an awful way to turn 18 otherwise. IM TURNING 18. OLDNESS. ahhhhhhhhhhh! scary shit.

peace out, chickadees!

Take me

Did I say something stupid?
There goes one more mistake
Do I bore you with my problems?
Is that why you turn away
Do you know how hard I tried
To become what you want me to be

Take me
This is all that I've got
This is all that I'm not
All that I'll ever be
I've got flaws, I've got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn't matter who you are
We all have our scars
We all have our scars

Come on, just let it go
These are things you can't control
Your expectations, your explainations
Don't make sense to me
You and your alternatives
Don't send me to your therapists
Deep down, I know what you mean
And I'm not sure thats what I wanna be
No

Take me
This is all that I've got
This is all that I'm not
All that I'll ever be
I've got flaws, I've got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn't matter who you are
We all have our scars
We all have our scars

Did I say something stupid
There goes one more mistake.


i broke a new year resolution yesterday and i missed a quiz. i forgot about the quiz! and when i remembered it'd already closed. ah fuck. i effing suck as a student.
jeez.

and now my nose is acting up again. yuck. faux flu.
disgusting.

i lost interest midway

Yo all JC peeps! you back at school today! i woke up to awesome news today, YINGYU GOT PROMOTED! yeah man! she totally deserves it please.

so, i heard the O lvl results are out today. hahahhahah this is an evil laugh. you deserve the nerve-wracking, earth-shattering emotions we went through. shit scary. hahahhaha. OMG WAIT MY COUSIN IS GETTING HIS RESULTS TODAY. i think. see, i cant rmb if he's in express or N.A.

argh, i have a presentation tonight and i havent done it yet. fuck. i fully will, but im totally dry creatively right now.

this is boring, goodbye!

seriously

i was reading my past jan and dec posts to see if i'd done any new year resolutions and as it turns out i hadnt. i think for the longest time ever i've been daunted cos they're too hard. well, not anymore.

this is a big year. it's my 18th. i havent done much in my life, and i intend to, if only starting this year. this will be a serious year, i can feel it. a serious year for me and everything concerning me.

im sick and tired of not being taken seriously, which has been happening for about - too long.

im working on my new year resolutions, and im not done yet cos there are some big things there i need time to think about. i foresee little sleep in the next two weeks but that's okay cos i have RED BULL in the fridge.

dont expect to see my list of resolutions up here, i believe that they're too private to share, but i will probably post a few, just not the whole extensive list, which, nobody will probably wanna read anyway.

i want to see some change in me! i also want some change to be seen. and i expect actions to be taken, both by myself and people around me. hmm. not..so sure about the latter, but let's hope so.

okay, enough blogging, i need to go get dressed for dinner.

(i love saying that, it's as though i have big plans for dinner, which, i dont actually, HAH.)

Wishlist, oh wishlist

WHAT GRACE WANTS:

Disney’s classic films!
- Snow White
- Beauty and the Beast
- Aladdin
- Alice in Wonderland
- The Lion King
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- Hercules
- Tarzan
Chick flicks! Any. Some examples below. Nice films pls.
- She’s the man
- I love you, Beth Cooper
CDs
- Allison Iraheta “Just like you”
ANY FASHION DESIGN RELATED BOOKS!!! (Go see Kinokuniya)
Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Influence book
Nina Garcia’s The Style Strategy book (it’s got a gold cover! Pretty.)
Book vouchers would be nice too…I think.
A subscription to NYLON mag or CLEO mag
A bookshelf
A sewing machine
A table lamp
A big pencil case
A jewelry stand
Black eyeshadow
PERFUME
- Nina Ricci’s “Nina”
- Nina Ricci’s “Nina Love” or smth like that, it’s a special edition one
- Salvatore Ferragamo’s “Incanto Bliss” (or any of the Incanto series)
- Diesel “Fuel for life”
- Marc Jacobs “Lola”
- Britney Spears “Curious” (or any of her other ones. The bottles are awesome)
Taylor Swift guitar! (I don’t even play, I just like it, hurhur)
A cork board that is bigger than A3 and not squared shaped
A CD player! Mine died :(
Microwave popcorn!
A COTTON CANDY MAKING MACHINE
A giant stuffed toy? Like a Grey Bear. I love them! (refer to previous post pics if dunno what they are)
MOVIE POSTERS, BRING ME TO BUY AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!
A The Simpsons T-shirt?

:D


is it kinda long? well you asked. haha.

BEARY GOOD!

(pictures of Grey Bear. i tried but couldnt find the name, for example there is Pooh Bear and Forever Friends Bear, but i think this bear is just Grey Bear. i love them!!!)

"How old are you?"

"10 days to 18!"

.
.
.

had the above conversation with a random salesgirl when she put eye gel samples in my hand. weird. hah.

anyway nice day out w the badminton peeps! i especially liked the walking aimlessly to take polaroids part, haha. actually the part w yingyu before meeting them was awesome too cos i got more copic markers yay! :)
okay only 3 more, but still. yay!

a few people were asking me what i want for my birthday, and when yy asked i was like, "still v long away what..." PAUSE. "omg it's ten days away. omg." damn shit, i am gonna be OLD. so i came up with a wishlist, which i have been planning to do since Christmas. yay one thing off TO DO list.

BAH. i keep sneezing. why??? i alr cleaned my room!

I REALLY LOVE THE SIMPSONS OMG.

wishlist in next post!

Friday, i am over you

RMB MY STAINED CONTACT LENS POST?

well i've been soaking the lens for about 24hrs now and the stain has gone completely! so i guess using K-Palette wont kill you, but just to be safe im still sticking to the trusty kohl liners.

spent the day w meifeng and Mum caught meifeng in our house!! Mum came home super early today so i was stunned. i casually said "oh hey Mum, meifeng's here, she came to bring me something but we're leaving for dinner soon." hahahha i didnt get scolded, yay.

anw, mf and i had relocated to my place to do hmwk after spending an hr plus at bishan library which sucked cos the sun was reflecting off the glaringly white tables and killing us.

well at least i got some research books. bishan library really sucks though, i think im too used to TP. TP library rawkssssss.

so, in my hse we managed to do some hmwk each, i finished my research and my thumbnails and then, we went out for dinner.

where we met Yingyu and wenjia! yay yingyu.


and and and i saw Jaseline!!! i love jase she looks so much the same and i was reminded of us back then....sorry jase i used to be such a controlling bitch. im much better now. yay im totally gonna stay in touch w her and nxt time we hv gyps stuff she's gonna come too, awesome.

jase and i were both fr gyps and ananias day care....we became close cos well, we were always in each others' faces hahahha she was so small and cute back then! i could easily carry her arnd. now she's about my height! sigh just shows how little i grew.

.
.
.
.

sigh. feeling a huge round of self-hate. awesome.

i wanna change i wanna change i wanna change! i also want to die. i hate life and i hate myself and there is nothing to live for so why bother? im such a pathetic, disgusting, pile of failure. failure. look how many ppl i got to hate me with a vengance in my almost-18 yrs? i see no point in turning 18 and continuing w life. my friends will dwindle until there are none left. because i am a repulsive human whom everyone HATES. hahahah! hates. i dont know how to repair my relationships, much less forge new ones. let's just jump out the window! teeheehee.

ugh, God, stop it, stop ME. Grace, you are P A T H E T I C.

CANT, BLOG, ON SCH SITE!

Why cant i post on the HOC blog??

i dont have the "new entry" button at all! and like an idiot i was searching for some way to post, and because i am a stupid idiot, i logged in really late at like 11.45pm to post my things and i thought can, cos Elizabeth said it was quite fast (blog closes at 11.55pm) but i couldnt find the button, plus my internet kept disconnecting and i had to reconnect several times. shit lah. i really think my this module grade is gonna be....yeah crap :(

so in a panic, i sent wilson an email saying i couldnt upload to the blog. then i went back to the blog there and like kept searching for any clue to post. then i eventually (after clicking on every button incl "print", "archive" and "w/ comments") clicked on the help button and it said that to post an entry i had to click on the "new entry" button under "actions", above "print" so i went to look at the page AGAIN and under "actions" there was NO "new entry" button! only "print" and "w/ comments"!

i was like, WTH????! cos i rmb that previously like, last assignment and also on wed i also went to the blog to attempt to post smth so that when i had my thumbnails i could do it easily but that button was not there also! i mean, OBVIOUSLY if "new entry" was there i would know to click on it to post cos it's like other blogs but seriously it wasnt. omg shit why???

so having realised the missing button i wondered, is it cos by the time i realised it wasnt there it was past 11.55pm? then i recalled that i had never seen that button despite having looked under "actions" before. im pretty sure. like 97% sure.

so then i sent another email to wilson explaining all this, and still attached my thumbnails. sigh. im never posting last minute again. i totally shd hv posted before i went out for dinner. sigh.

im sorry ):

i hate me, too.

OF EYELINERS AND CONTACT LENSES

ALL SOFT CONTACT LENS WEARERS:
DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT USE K PALETTE'S BRUSH/FELT-TIP LINER!!! I DONT KNOW WHETHER IT'S A BRUSH OR FELT-YIP ONE BUT WHATEVER, SAME POINTY TIP, JUST DO NOT USE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT STAINS YOUR CONTACT LENSES WHEN YOU TRY TO REMOVE IT WITH MAKEUP REMOVER.

TRIED AND TESTED.

HAVE THE SCARY RED AND BLACK STAINED LENS TO PROVE IT.

AND THE WORST THING IS ONE SIDE I DIDNT EVEN TOUCH W MAKEUP REMOVER AND IT WAS ALSO SLIGHTLY STAINED, SO STAY AWAY FROM K PALETTE!!!! PREVIOUS USE OF THE SAME EYE MAKEUP REMOVER DID NOT RENDER STAINS AT ALL. SO DO NOT USE K PALETTE OKAY!!!!!!!



HERE'S A PHOTO.



LOOK AT THE LENS!!!!! it's turned red!!!!!

i have never heard of this random japan brand and did not buy it. only used it cos my mum bought it and asked me to try it to see if i liked it, so i went to put it on, and preferred kohl pencils so i went to try to remove it w my usual eye makeup remover (which has never given me any trouble before and is awesome) AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW IT GETS INTO MY EYE AND STAINS MY CONTACT LENS A RED TINT!!!!



the remover has gotten into my eyes before. no trouble/irritation before and this time also no irritation or anything, no, THE CONTACT LENS JUST TURNED RED AND DARK-ISH. scary much!!!!



needless to say i removed it immediately and tried to wash it off with my contact lens solution AND IT DIDNT WORK!!! WASHED REPEATEDLY. currently soaking it in lens case. gonna wash again later. hopefully it will be gone! will like keep you updated!!! not that anyone reads but like, i must share this w the world to prevent the same thing happening to you.


wtf right!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this!!!!!!! plus it's my first day wearing my monthly lens wtf?!!!!! super pissed!


i do not trust all liquid and felt-tip liners anymore. sticking to kohl pencils omg. and totally removing lenses before ever removing makeup.


dont dare use the contact lens anymore! LASIK PLEASE!!!!

i am sleeeeeepy.

i want to do nothing but inhale like five tonnes of cold, sweet drinks. duh, not that there are salty drinks. wait. actually i dont know.

OH YAY I CRAVE COLD DRINKS. that means my period is coming ^^


oh gawd i just blogged that.

=.= whateverrrrr.

i need to pee, byebye!

SHADES OF RED, BLUE AND PEACH

STILL have not written new year resolutions. think my first one would be to actually write them.


NO CLASS ON THURS AND FRI WOOHOO.


i missed the simpsons ytd :(

and i forgot the site sherilyn told me to go to to watch it. sigh no simpsons......


but either way. i got my sandals! woohoo and they look kickin' babyyyy.

and i finally got my duck rice which i have been craving since last week!!


after this i have to go work on history of costume.....im not gg creative storytelling tonight to work on it, and the story ideas of course. this also means i wont be gg to sch til monday! hehehehhehe.


argh i am craving more food ohnoohno. like just now when i went out to collect my sandals i also bought lunch but like, i only brought $4 out, can you believe it? dumbbbbbbbb. so i couldnt buy dinner in advance first, or get myself a stash of candy/junk food. i was planning to go out again after getting more money but the dark is crazy dark and i do not wanna get caught in the rain.


feel bad for skipping class :(
it was a total last min decision....


okay i havent mentioned this before, but i really like Allison Iraheta from AI Season 8! besides her wicked awesome voice i adore her HAIR. hahahha yeah all last year when i was watching Idol i was like, I HOPE SHE WINS I DONT LIKE DANNY GOKEY TTMMMMMMMM. but oh well. and she really does remind me of Pink!


feels kinda weird to be a fan of someone who is younger than me AHHHHHHH I FEEL SO DAMNED OLD!!!


OOH my new sandals cant be taken off with just a tug argh MA FAN, SIA. yes, im wearing them around the house to revel in the gratification of having bought smth new :DDD


YES. this means i have bought a pair of black flats and can move on to black heels! HAHAH finally scratching them off my TO BUY list. aweesomeeee.


today i went out in a ponytail. :OOOOO

i know. i havent tied a ponytail since last March, since the start of the curly hair. i must say the seller looked really shocked at seeing someone who looked so unkempt hahhaha i was lazy to put on contacts, makeup and proper clothes + tame my hair so i kinda just tied my hair, put on some clothes and went out. soooooo disgusting. hahaha. WHATEVER.


BACK TO ALLISON.

yes she is younger than me!! i know right. she's 17 and already has a career taking off and im 17 with no career in sight, and balding!!! (yes, i do think im balding omggggg my hair is about half as thin/thick -whichevr you prefer- as it was two months ago, which was alr seriously THIN!) okay, i realise we are both 17, but she was born April 27 and me January 19 which makes me A GRAND TOTAL OF ABOUT 4 MONTHS OLDER!!! och, just a few months, what's the big fuss, right? i dont know really, im just like fixated on the fact that i am older than she is :(


i am obsessive compulsive.


but anyway. i love her voice! i dyed my hair red too two mths ago but not her red but now i really think i want her red, which is crazy since it totally doesnt suit non-angmoh skin tone but like, i really like how vibrant it is!!!

LOOK



oooooh nice lashes. im a lash freak, so i appreciate it. nice EYEBROWS, too. i SO need to get mine done. they look revolting now. ah i hear the rain. it has started.


i love looking at the rain from my front door. gorgeous.


I LOVE HER HAIR!!!!!!!! i think im going to go treatment crazy and recover the condition of my hair as it was like, a year ago. it is SO BAD now. i really dont know what to do.


I AM SO ADDING ALLISION'S ALBUM TO MY BIRTHDAY WISHLIST, WHICH, SINCE I HAVE NOT STARTED ON, MAKES THIS THE FIRST ITEM ON THAT LIST~ :D



i wish one could train to acheive that tone of voice.


do you wanna buy her album for me?? hurhur Reuben's bday is next monday! i wonder if the Besties even rmb. ah well. i shall be a good friend and REMIND CAI. teehee i am high on soya bean milk, which i am religiously addicted to.


gone to youtube to listen to songs! TOODLES!

PARTEEEEEEEEEEE

i did not expect this.

turns out the submission date for my final assignment for HoCos is 19 january. omg. isnt that so cool???

okay let me back up and explain. 19jan is a Tuesday, the last Tues of this block, which is crunch time for all design students cos it means it's SUBMISSION WEEK. and also my birthday, 19jan. so like, i have night class! which means i cannot celebrate. but.....if 19jan is my final submission day, that means i have 20 - 24 jan to celebrate!!!! :DDDD

YAY AWESOMENESS. well, unless i still have night class for that week. aiyah night class is such a bummer. if only we could end night class on 18jan.....hahahha i wish.

i shall ask Alfie tonight about when our last class is! :D

i am kinda excited now. i didnt think i would get to do anth for my bday at all. but now it looks like i might, even if it is belated, but only by one day! hehehehhehe

:D

the simpsons are my current obsession thus the simpsons themed pics hurhur.

YAY THE SIMPSONS TONGIHT ON CHN5, hope i reach home in time to catch it!

SHOPPING

NEW WALLET NEEDED.

my current F21 one is awesome, but it is dying. it has been scratched and the skin scraped off in several places, poor baby.

well what d'ya expect? i've been using it for over a year. it's actually from 2008 you know. sigh. unbelievable.

okay so i found some wicked cute ones!

HELP ME DECIDE.

i really like the pink one in the first pic, it's so pweeeeeeeeetttyyyyy, but then the mustard and navy ones are so radical! :(

otherwise it would be the greenish teal one in the second pic, which is $4 more btw.

$18 and $22 respectively.

no, i am not shopping excessively.

although i did buy a pair of sandals online today D:

hahaha but i really do need shoes, both of my slip-on flats died few wks ago. i only bought back 1, i need another pair, so it is JUSTIFIED.

and like i said, i need a new wallet too.

see, i totally did not give in to my urge and buy the bag i wanted. and i havent gotten the skirt i desperately want yet. but i will. cos i've had my eye on it for close to a year now.

Huiting bought me a necklace! YAY another one to add to my collection. totally using it tmr. except i havent got anth to match it hurhur. oh well. never stopped me before.

IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WORK. i wanted to do the quiz, but i am being disgusting and shopping. shall sleep soon and wake up effing early. not gonna get much sleep w the construction work downstairs anw.

FEELING ANTSY

can you believe it? can you believe it? it's the third day of 2010 already!

and just a few days ago it was last year.....time sure is a funny thing.

feeling super restless now. wanna paint my nails, but that take a long time to dry and i havent got that time. i still havent STARTED on my creative storytelling story ideas. need 3. ugh.

oh well.
i know i'll get them done before class tmr :)

was planning to paint my nails before i go to sleep, but now it looks like i wont be getting any sleep til friday night. not that im complaining. i love to sleep but i also think it's a gigantic waste of time. sleep is a luruxy reserved solely for the 1993 babies who plan to go to poly in april. not for those currently attending poly now :(

havent gotten around to penning any new year resolutions yet, save one, but dont feel like broadcasting it. it's enough that k, pris & m know. oh man i wanna do dinner w them again. they are addictive company.

ARGH ants are taking over my table! seriously. i am SO P.O.ed! i keep forgetting to buy ant poison!!

hahah starting out the new year by viciously plotting to murder ants. nice. i dont even know where they come from/go. i mean, i live on the highest floor! okay, i know that doesnt stop them. but hell, what does? D:

ANT POISON.

well, unless they mutate and become immune to it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

right, off to bathe now, no ants in the shower :)

farewell oh nine

Hey you. Im on my way to chalet right now, and im effing late but im alone so i thought hey why not write my end of 2009 post now?
Yep so here we are, at 31 dec, the last day of the year. And we gotta bid goodbye to 2009, and feel sad for all the things that happened this year.

Are you sad this yr will soon be gone? I cant honestly say i am, because this year has been a total waste of makeup. Haha. I mean, yes, im happy i made good friends in poly, but i also made enemies. and most of the time im unhappy rather than not in school.

But im coping. What else this year? Im sorry, i cant think of anth. Because that's how pointless this year has been. Perhaps because i'd had so many great yrs before this? Idk.

Sure, i became a lot closer w existing friends, but i also drifted away from close ones. I love all my friends, and i truly am glad life brought us tgt. But then there are those you lose on the road of life. Which is sad. Really.

And so, new environment. New friends. Poly has been...a learning experience. I've never done so much work in my life. work is still a totally new thing for me to get used to, and i hope the ppl know im trying really hard. I really, really am. I just wish they knew me a little better, or at all.

Sometimes things get a little too much for you, and you lose sight of the things tht are impt to you, or even yourself. I think this year i definitely lost myself a bit. Maybe some of you close to me might have noticed, but maybe not.

Change.
It is ever present. And no one is an exception. I've definitely changed this year. Several before this have commented on how i speak only proper english and i know this has made at least one person uneasy. And this year many were surprised at the variety of vulgarities spewing forth from me.

Im not sure how i feel abt how vulgar i can be, but i hope you know tht if i am, it's because i choose to be. And there's certainly been a lot for me to curse of this year. I hope that changes. I've realised sometimes nothing is as eloquent as a curse word.

This year old friends reconnected, and other friends were lost to me. I still miss my tuition friends, and my coaches, and i wish i still had their numbers so i could text them, but one of the things i lost this year were all my contacts, and my old phone. So if any of you old peeps see this (unlikely but possible), hit me w a text. But in the meantime i will search for you on fb :)

ah, fb. sometimes i do love you.

This year, i had my first taste of sleepovers. My mum finally said yes to letting me stay over at a friend's house just last week on christmas at yiyin's. i also had more sleepovers at my hse this year, yay. And i finally got a bit more freedom this year, about time too. i have poly to thank for that.

Okay i think that abt sums up 2009. I told you there wasnt much to miss. Thanks, you friends, you've been the only thing for me to live for. I came so close a few times...so thank you. Even if you dont know what you did. Just stay by me.

Goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. I've just abt reached pasir ris too :)

BAH RAH BLAH

what are you doing what are you doing WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????

i dont know, but you know what you SHOULD be doing?

WORK, that's what.

jeez Grace, you suck. HoCos is calling! do your work and stop surfing the net!!!!

I HATE MYSELF FOR BORROWING SO MANY BOOKS JUST NOW, THEY ARE SO TOTALLY CALLING OUT FOR ME TO READ THEM ARGHHH

no mood to go out party tmr. oops i meant later today.

you see, im supposed to go out except i havent told anyone. including my mum and the ppl who invited me. awesome.

sigh

Greek empire. mythology. i love all that jazz.

WHEN LIFE DOES NOT GIVE YOU LEMONS BUT YOU MAKE YOURSELF SOME....you are stupid

:(((((((((


Thanks Leslie, you are nice.

.
.
.

am probably gonna have bad hair tmr. woot. not. sigh.

read if you care, if you dont, well then, okay.

sup dudes. i just added my cousins on fb, yay. and i realised one of them is attached now. good for him! i know he's been single a long time, he was asking me if i'd friends to intro to him a while back. so anw, we had a short convo just now. makes me miss my childhood.

thank goodness i still hv childhood-ies close to me in my life :) holla Besties! :D

anw.

so i went to his blog and his gf's, even though i dont know her - yet. see, i have a plan. a plan to reconnect w all my cousins! we all used to be super close lah. so anw seeing as my cousins are brothers she alr knows Kelvin so yeah i suppose in time we'll be introduced. i hope we will. i like that idea. and she looks nice. went to her blog and saw that she likes alot of Taiwanese idols, plan to ask if she likes LeeHom too! :D yay leehom wait for me :D

so. it's dec 30, and the year's gonna be over shortly.

cant say im exactly sad to see it go though. it's been one of those years. sigh, i dont even have words to describe it.

.
.

my cousins are like the only part of my family that i kinda like. and i wanna be closer to them again. i just realised all my cousins have really nice names. like me! hahahha.

at Kelv's blog now. god, he is so LI. i am actually jealous. when did he morph into this LI machine? i so missed out on our growing up years. i mean, i've always known he was super smart, top-his-every-class kind, but jeez. yeah i know, i was always worried abt being compared to him. (but hey, i dare say that in terms of intellect, i can hold my own against most.) im so over that now, i dont give a $#^& anymore abt what others think, i just wanna be happy again. yep.

god, i really miss them. they were the closest to siblings i'd ever and will every have. getting teary eyed now. god knows i want brothers more than anything. stupid family feud over dumb stuff. why did we let it affect us kids? if i could do it over.....

im really jealous of all the friends close to my cousins. if they only knew i'd die to be in their place. i dont ever tell anyone this, and i dont think anyone cares enough to pick up on this except maybe a choice few, but im a lonely kid. lonely as hell. i hv awesome friends, awesome beyond words, but beyond that i really dont have anyone else. and i cant tell you how much that sucked. how did it become this way? HOW??? sigh. yeah, lonely. let me try to put it across to you in a way you'd understand. i mean, friends have no obligation to be nice to you, to care about you. they could walk away and not have to explain themselves, ever. but family. family is different. you'll always be connected in some unbreakable way. you can never really cut your ties, even if you wanted it more than i want LeeHom. yeah family. it's a new idea to me, i never thought of myself as having............never mind. it's much too melodramatic.

okay maybe im overreacting. i guess family can walk away too.i know they can definitely turn away in times of need. i....dont know anything. im too young and stupid to know anything about this world. yet im too old and jaded to care. god, im bitter.

i dont know what to say. i never know what i want anymore. beyond instant gratification, it's like i dont even....ah hell im speechless.

there's still some things inside me, i wish others could see. most of who i used to be is lost, but stick around long enough and i just may surprise you. it's alright, the old Grace didnt seem to appeal to a lot of ppl anyways. i've still got some spunk left in me, but for how long only the people above know. talk to me before i disappear completely.

omg the last paragraph was so like, i dont know. emo, almost. i am so bad at expressing myself, i shd talk to Oprah. or a psychologist. cant spell the other one, too apathetic to check it out.

okay, enough talk for now. i just added a guy i knew when i was a kid on fb. crazy reckless thing to do. i guess i just dont care abt anth anymore. he'll probably think im a crazy stalker. but really, i just rmb his name and added it. anw, omg, ITS MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY. omg i cant believe i only noticed it now. ah hell. what am i gonna do? okay. got it.

i really have to go to bed now, plan to be up in a coupla hours to do work. right. i hope tmr blazes by quickly so i may like, settle back into my numb self and let the days pass quietly. i wish certain people would just leave me alone, im rather happy when not disturbed. erm, duh. okay nvm.

EVE OF NEW YEAR'S EVE. what, ever.

time

i've been gone a long time.

i have lost interest in life. i started sch ytd and hv work due in a coupla hrs but i hv not started. i want to stop everything and like, die.

death is not when you're in too much pain to do anything, like live, but when you've simply stopped.

just stopped.

OH HAHHHAHAHHA GAWD SO EMO, IM NOT, IM JUST WEIRD HAHHAHAHA. i still feel lightheaded and cannot walk in a straight line.

bubble!

ITS FRIDAY, IM IN LOVE.




<33333333333333

school....

i'm so tired.
i could fall asleep right now.
but to sleep would be to die.

and i hv died enough so no sleep. omg. my eyes can barely stay open. and it's barely midnight! see, i cannot do two consecutive sleepless nights. shit. how to survive until friday?

bad day bad day.

i love meifeng for listening. i wouldnt hv made it through class w/o her lor. thanks, friend.

I MUST STRIVE FOR THE VERY BEST.

now to convince myself of that.

oh gawd, im so, so tired.

so much work to do, i cannot let all these people down. okay. okay. WORK. CAFFEINE. DRUGS. snore. i wish.

BAD, NOT GOOD, BAD.

wow, just three more days after today and it'll be the end of this term, and there's a huge amt of work left. thank you, slavedrivers.

im trying to find sad emo songs because i feel like listening to sad emo songs, and all i can find are stupid happy songs. like wtf. happy songs are so like, adolescent. did i spell tht right? whatever.

happy songs are so 2007.

it's 2009, and 2010 will be here really, really soon, and this year has sucked real bad thus far. sucked. suck. sucky. argh whatever.

sad emo songs, hello?? gawd, leehom is so effing perfect, how does he do that? damn it it's not fair i just want to jump off a bridge.

okay i need to like, take a bath.

this is not making sense but WHATEVER.

speechless

im sick so i stayed home, and my "mother" just told me, "tmr if you wake up late again then you know." , implying tht i stayed home today not because i was sick but tht i overslept and thus pretended to be sick to stay home. What kind of a mother is she?

In my defense, i fairly screamed at her tht i woke up okay, walao. And now my throat hurts again when it was recovering just now. The bitch. Like i took all those pills cos i was pretending. Like you can pretend to blow your nose. Like you can produce mucus on purpose. Gross.

I look down on her. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

The nxt time im sick im totally gonna storm into her room and slam open the door and say tht "look, im awake but im sick and gonna stay home and contrary to wht you think im not oversleeping and thus pretending". Tht sounds weak, but against this kind of person tht's the best i can do. She thinks she's the only one who can be sick and stay home from work. She thinks im pretending when im sick. i hate her so much i dont even hv words.

you know things are bad when the only thing tht calms you down is putting a bullet through her head.

Yes, if i ever kill her one can come here to my blog and see my confession. Excepr that i wldnt want to ruin my life over her, that vile, revolting person. She's not worth the rest of my life. Thus i'll not kill her, so if she's murdered one day, it wont be by me, cos she makes ppl hate her really easily. Ask around, im sure you'll find many. She's just detestable.

I dont understand why i need to put up w her. Why cant someone else deal w her? I didnt choose this family. we give new meaning to dysfunctional. I want to escape so bad, but killing myself for her is SO not worth it. Thus i hv the fantasies of killing her. But i dont even want to touch her, she repulses me tht much.

I mean, i understand why she thinks im pretending. Cos im awake at this time doing my work. and i used to pretend back in sec sch. But she doesnt know tht i was so tired today and hv slept half the day away in the morn and in sec sch i nvr took responsibility for anth. Now in poly i fully do, and unlike her i actually vare abt my work. Its not like i can refrain from having a fever and sleeping. And yes, i do hv a mild fever, i took my temperature. Tht cow. Of cos if i slept half the day away i need to do work now, esp since i slept again at 9pm. And yes, i told her i was gg to sch tmr, which makes her increase her certainty tht im pretending. But she doesnt know tht i HAVE to go, does she? I need to consult wilson abt evening wear so i can start inking and colouring for monday's submission. I alr missed today, if i miss tmr too i wont be able to hand in. Also, i need to go collect swatched fr wilson. And there's presentation for commdi on monday, i need to discuss w my grp, i alr ps-ed them today. But no, i didnt tell her all these, cos she doesnt bother to ak, so i dont bother to tell her, either. Dealing w her is so much less painful when there is no talking. Yes, i hv issues, bt its all thanks to her.

I feel like crap. Worse than. My body feels hot and breathing is weird. i want nothing more than to sleep, again, and to stay home frm sch tmr again, w an mc this time, but i cant. I really need to go to sch. And to do tht i need to finish colouring my career wear for submission tmr.

Do you know tht part of the reason i didnt go get mc today is tht i dont trsut doctors, and also i wanted to help her save money? I dont see the pt of gg to a doctor who will tell you you're sick when you alr know you are, and give you meds for it when you alr hv panadol flumax at home. But no, i fully intend to spend this money nxt time, cos she's not worth my concern.



*for those who dont alr know, yes, i hate my mother, and i admit it. But before you give me a disgusted look and judge me for tht, ask yourself if you know abt me and my life. Im pretty sure you dont, so dont go telling me tht i shd give her a chance and talk to her. You're not the one who lives w her, i think i know her better than you do. Just because you lucky bitches hv a gd relationship w ur mums does nt mean everyone else does. Trust me, no one else wishes to nt hv this type of r'ship than i do.

i fell sick. Predictably.

I feel like crap.

I stayed home today cos i woke up feeling like someone sandpapered my throat overnight and i couldnt stop blowing my nose for all i was worth.

And like im not even seriously sick until like previous times but i still feel like shit.

it hurts to swallow and i cant stop sneezing! Which sucks. And everytime i sneeze it hurts my throat even more. Talk abt a vicious cycle.

I've downed like 3cups of honey and lots of flu meds, bt it hasnt seemed to work.

And no i didnt go see a doctor cos i dont like them. It just makes u feel more sick. And poor. And the meds make u drowsy. And then i wld sleep instd of doing my work lah. Which wont do. Im currently doing production drawings. and im so scared tht everytime i sneeze i'll draw the line way out. So i stop like every five secs to blow my nose. Disgusting.

DECEMBERRRRR

IT IS DECEMBER OMG ITS THE LAST MONTH OF THE YEAR AND 2009 IS ENDING OMGGGGGGG.

i am in the sch library again and i've just finished my CommDI essay editing and im supposed to be doing peer review so im like waiting for taufiq to send them to me.

oh he just did, no more reason for me to slack :(
sigh.

first, i shall write down my TO DO list so i wont get sidetracked.

TO DO:
1. peer review
2. response to peer review
3. critical reading list
4. references in APA format
5. career wear sketches
6. background info on selected VIP
7. evening wear ideas

TMR (WED):
1. consultation w wilson
2. inking of career wear sketches
3. colouring of career wear sketches
4. production drawing of career wear
5. evening wear sketches (6pcs)
6. printing and binding of commDI AND THEN HAND IN! yay.
7. find background for career wear

ARGH. does it sound like v little? it takes me a helluva long time. ESP colouring and production drawing!!!! copic markers are SO hard to control, geewhiz.

THURS:
1. consult wilson on evening wear
2. also on final for career wear (coloured,production drawing & bkgrnd)
3. ink and colour evening wear
4. production drawing of evening wear
5. find background for evening wear
6. IF POSSIBLE, CONSULT WILSON ON EVENING WEAR COLOURED FINAL TOO

FRIDAY:
1. print everything!
2. HAND IN BY NOON.

whew im like one day behind schedeule :(( who ask me go sleep last night, damn you lah grace. sleep what sleep, want die is it.

this is only everything i can predict thus far today, in 20min bina will give us nxt project. ok gtg CLASS TIME.

moot.

i want to do my work, i really do.

i REALLY do. serious.

so why am i not doing it??? fuck you grace you disgusting procrastinator and avid lover of the simpsons. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOU.

and go do your work and stop eating. fucking pig.

thinking, or rearranging prejudices?

Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

one of my favourite poems of all time.

i wish i hated my life. i wish i could summon up an emotion as powerful as hate to prove i am alive.

because who says, really, that the life we are living is truly life? we could all be puppets controlled by a higher power. and by that i mean a parallel universe, or stuck in a limbo between life and non-life. maybe we're all just going through the notions of life without ever really living.

im alive functional. im living functioning.

when?

when have i stopped writing just to vent? yes, when?

when have i stopped communicating with myself? yes, when?

when did i lose interest in my life? yes, when?

when did i stop looking forward to tomorrow with eagerness? yes, when?

when did i let myself go? when did i lose hope? when did i stop believing? when did i start losing? when did i stop being happy? when did i stop loving? when did i start to hate? when did i learn to hate? when did i stop caring? when did i start to fade? when did i stop living?

yes, when?

when it all ends, when it all ended;

when is it ever over?

HI KANIKA

you call that bitching? i think we both know it's not. anyway whatever, i dont want to fight with you, so dont come pick a fight or play the victim by saying you dont hv the energy and dont want to deal with this because why the hell do you think i didnt go last night?

im not saying im the victim, i dont think anyone is here. im just saying that i said what i said because i felt an explanation was necessary for me not going, and i knew you would see it, which is why i posted it in the first place.

do you deny that my words ytd were things i would normally, and always, say? do you think your reaction was normal, and what you always would say? because i dont. and i understand that ppl have moods, but there was still no need for that big a reaction. and i only replied what i did because i felt i shdnt sweep it under the carpet like i always do in life and then explode one day. i dont confront ppl, you shd know that. you would think my saying smth would mean smth. but you didnt, and then you did smth i could NOT stand, you pretended everything was okay and nth had happened. and i hate that, hate that, hate that so much. you should know, because i told you how my mother does it. and i used to do it every single time with everyone in my life because confrontations were just too exhausting and im too wooden to know how to do it anyway. but since i realised that was one of the things i hated so much about my mother, and thus myself, i hv been trying to not do it anymore. if smth is wrong, then it is, and pretending it isnt just wont make it go away. so i only decided to not go when you did not reply.

had you replied, it wouldnt have mattered what you said. even if you called me a fucking bitch who only cares about myself. i probably would hv fought back, but at least it was us being honest to how we felt.

no one wants to fight, least of all me. but you need to know that sometimes, just sometimes, it IS exhausting dealing with you, because you expect everyone to know what to do at the appropriate moment and that you and only you are allowed to have the final say.

i know i sometimes i make you want to punch me,too. but if you dont say anth bout it, it's never gonna change. and just saying "why are you acting so annoying today" does not explain anth.

maybe im making a huge fuss over nothing at all, and i admit that i am a over sensitive person who pays too much attention to small details, but then again so are you, and sometimes its the smallest details that have the biggest impact on ppl. like,things i thought i could overlook turned out to be the things that make me mad over and over again, even months after it's happened. and i know i shd tell you about it, and maybe i have, but i dont rmb, and i think it means to you much less than what it meant to me.

maybe some things dont matter to you, but these same things matter to me. and if what matters to me doesnt mean anth to you, the least you could do is not disrespect it, and thus me. sometimes you insult ppl or things that matter to them without thought, and i dont understand why. im pretty sure i've told you this before, and i know this is a completely different issue from ytd, but it is relevant that you do say things that hurt ppl. maybe unintentionally, but repeatedly.
what i mean is, i feel like you've insulted me by pretending it was okay. am i not big enough an issue to want to resolve? if you were tired and didnt mean any insult, you could have said so. if you thought i was being unnecessarily probing, you could have said so IN A LESS TACTLESS TONE and i would have apologised.

by not saying anth, you implied that i was acting like an immature child that you did not want to degrade yourself by dealing with. you implied that i was acting out, and that replying would have been indulging my childish desires. at least, that's what i feel. and i know you cant be held responsible for the conclusion i drew. but you ARE responsible for inspiring that conclusion.

if i had gone, how was i supposed to act? follow your lead and pretend everything was okay and then try to hv a good time? i didnt want to fight, but i didnt think i would hv been able to do nothing, either. i didnt know how i was supposed to act when i saw you, confront you and make a scene and then ruin the night? i didnt think that was fair to both of us, or misato, after she arrived. or pretend to be happy? again, i didnt think that wld be fair to both of us, because that's what you do to be polite to ppl who dont matter or are insignificant. and you mean more to me that to dismiss like that. i didnt think it wld be fair for me to play nice when i felt anth but. or was i supposed to go over and apologise? i thought about it you know, i really did. but i didnt think i had done anything really wrong or deserved all the blame. the one thing i did do wrong was asking you so many questions when you were in an easily irritated mood. and apologising would hv meant that i was wrong and that it was okay for you to react like that, had you not apologised at all. because if i said i was sorry and you said it was okay and nothing else, i dont think it would be, okay, i mean. i didnt think i could deal with the possibility of that happening, and if it had, i didnt know what i would do. i wld be back in the confront or pretend it was okay situation again.

so i didnt go. i felt it would give me time to think about what i shd do and say. and it might have deflected a fight. and i was honest bout it, i didnt lie and make up an excuse like, i want to watch tv and eat meat. that would hv been disgusting and disrespectful to both you and me.

and now here we are, doing this. i wonder how this will turn out. and i dont know what i expect out of this, because im not angry and i dont want an apology, and actually i dont know what i want, except to not want this to happen again. so you were tired and i was being an irritant, but i had the same feelings before too, and usu i just drop it because escalating it would result in THIS. this being the angry reaction, then the angry defense. then i dont know what comes after that. i learned a long time ago it was easier to live and let live. and yes, i've become an escapist, but whatever, that's my own problem.

so now the ball's in your court, i've said what i probably never would have said or been able to say, and even though i may not hv expressed this best, at least i tried to, and i guess im glad.
where do we go from here?

lethargic beyond belief

Hi its me again. yawn. lethargic. im not going to kanika's party after all.

and its not because there's no chicken, or that i want to watch Flushed Away, or that i hv fuckloads of hmwk to do.

Nope,its just cos im insecure like I ALWAYS AM, and she's in a mood where every little thing will irritate her. And im not in the mood to deal w that. I dont want to apologise for being me,insecure as i might be. Because really, as incredible as it might seem, she annoys people too, not just the other way round.

I suppose i shd really go do commDI. Just not a good day for working, feeling super lazy and just want to stone..

BLURGHHH

hi.

i hv no motivation to do ANYTHING. like even typing this is killing me. i just want to eat/drink.

HAHHAHAHA YAY I CAN DO THAT TONIGHT.

kanika's folks are throwing a party.

i know watcha thinking, what?? she wants to go to a party some dude's PARENTS are throwing????

hhahahah yes i do. because kanika's mum makes awesomeeee cheeeken and like, indian parties hv fuckloads of food! and i love their parties. food good. gawd, all bout food, im sucha pig.

but like, i dont really care anymore. hahahaha fat is like, whatever. so what! muahahhhaha. i want to drink smth super cold and sweet. and eat smth salty, preferably fried.

MCDONALDS WOOHOO.

omg tht reminds me of amanda. HI AMANDA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS :D

AMANDA CHNG YI used to read my blog a lot when i used to INHALE macs by tonnes. that was in the jan-april period. fuck, i cant believe i had like 5mths of freedom and I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT.

wow i am a lazy fucking pig. fuck you grace!

i need to do commDI

i handed in fashion ilustration exercise 1 ytd. waaa i handed in damn late but ohwell, i finished everything! like, am proud of self. although the grades come back sure like shitzzz. that's what the others say, including the seniorsss and i trust Ashley. ashleyzzzxzxzz.

yawnzxzzx i am bored and restless and i want to like, fly.

although i'll prob be too lazy to flap my wings and then i'll fall and die anw.

omgggg im coughing like mad. think samantha passed me the fluzxzx.

fever and cough will follow.

SIGHZXZX.

it's hari raya! yay. taufiq is having fun. no idea what ppl do on hari raya but i bet its fun.

TAUFIQ, ELIZABETH. WE NEED TO DISCUSS OUR CAREER WEAR OUTFITSZXZXZ! RAH RAH. oh no that sounds like lady gaga's bad romance. damn it they keep singing it. NOOOOOOOOO.

like, i hv nth against her i just dont like this song THAT much. overplay overload OVERRRR.

i could go downstairs and get food but tht would require moneysss. and i am technically -$24. OMG HOW DID I MANAGE TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY OMG GRACE FUCK YOU!!!!

i love doing work. yeah right. okay actually it is right. i just hate STARTING work, you know that's always the hardest. i suppose i shd dig into nxt mth's allowance a bit more to reward myself.

wow the air outside the house is sooo much cooler than inside, esp my room. cause i am one hot mama :D hahahha just kidding.

lalallaallaalla bored ttm.

how does leslie do it? talked to him ytd and he said he was CONTENT WITH LIFE. like omggggg. how???? im SO NOT.

"windows thrown wide in hopes of tempting a breeze". that line just popped into my head. sounds like smth fr Harry Potter. lalallalaalalallalalallalallalalla ~DISCONTENTMENT~

food ensues.

WAAAA i opened my house door, and the cool wind blows RIGHT into my room. SHUANGZXZXZ MANXZXZX TTMMMMMMMM. super shuanggggg. top floor good for once.

i know, i can just switch on the aircon. but im trying to save the enviroment ok, i feel terrible for throwing so much paper away ytd OMGGG. im suck lah. i need a recycling bin.

im a suckerr im still not doing work. can go die alr, wth.

WEEKEND TOO SHORT

well the weekend has blazed by once again, and i hate it. i hate that weekends always do this. weekdays never pass by this quickly! argh. disgusted by your behaviour, weekend.

i wish i had one more day to enjoy slowly. and could it rain when i'm actually staying in,please? weather is very uncooperative.

yesterday was saturday. yesterday was great...

i woke up early and had a looooong leisurely brunch. then at 2 i went to meet KANIKA.

cue cheer.

she accompanied me to buy my copic markers cos when taufiq and i went to get them on friday art friend closed within like 7 MINTUES, THE AHOLES. heh.

and i took DAMN EFFING LONG to pick my colours, i am very indecisive. and i based all my choices upon heroes of the environment because i didnt think my beloved jewel tones were gonna cut it.

see, practical me.

i wish i had more money to buy more markers because truth be told i didnt really like some of the colours, i just kinda...settled. boohoo.

yeah we all know how we feel bout settling.

okay then after copic markers kanika and i went around city hall tiredly. we were tired for no reason. well she had football, and i well, i was with her. hahahha.

okay i cant tell you what we did, but it was fun, okay. like FUNNNN.

yeah we hung til bout seven thirty then she went to meet her sis and i went home cos i had to buy dinner for my mum. and i wanted to watch tv, hurhur.

YAY GAO YIXIANG. stubble. yummy. yay. i like. meifeng likes him, so because i am a friend who isnt the guy stealing bitch types, he is all hers and i aint gonna paw him or anth.

but nobody said i couldnt look my fill.
*drool*

he so kewwwwwt. awww. kay enough.

lalala.

YAY PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 1 AND 2 NXT WK. me will be watching no.2.

hope i dont slobber over orlando bloom cos im so over him. it was the legolas thing that i loved.

gao yixiang, yay. godfrey. i suspect it's actually geoffrey. cause godfrey's just....weird. hmm ok shut up grace, who you to comment on people's names. beeyatch.

he hot, me likey loads :D

OH WHAT A PRETTY DAY

the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the world looks beautiful after being washed... the start of a beautiful day!

good morning! it's about 8.15am and i dont start class til 3pm AND it's friday! so yup im in a good mood.

but why the hell am i up so early?

wellll.....

i slept at abt 5PM ytd afternoon! it was raining and such a marvelous weather to sleep in. plus my mom was home and i didnt feel like interacting w her so sleep was a good idea. but then i woke up at 8plus and decided i didnt feel like facing the blazing lights so i went back to sleep and lo and behold! it was 7AM today :D

yes, that was a 14 hr sleep.

SHIOK, BABY.

hahahha! i hv no idea how i managed to sleep that long, it's like 2days worth of sleep! i guess the less-than-6hr-sleep took a toll on me this wk.

but yeah i guess im used to waking early now, been doing it for more than a mth. really love the sun streaming into my room right now. oh no pls dnt let me turn into a morning person.

yay meifeng is online due to her not being able to sleep! yay someone to talk to.

bow i kinda dont know what to do w myself. i mean, i have like 6h til class starts and sure, i havent done my hmwk, but i really dont think it's gonna take that long. im a fast writer, loads to write abt.

am hungry, first things first. breakfast!

ice cream, shoes and bus rides.

Hi all! had a good midweek? It's been a fun wednesday for me in the sense that i didnt hv to sit in class all day.

we had fashion illustration w wilson and we drew like a half dozen articles of clothes sigh so asymmetrical,mine are. Must redraw.

Anw aft class eli crystal and i were supposed to wait for taufiq before gg to town to take pics for comm d.i. project. But he took super long cos of tp rawks camp. Yup camp i think. Then he arrived at one thirty and off we went!

I tell ya, we took a super short time for the pics! We were done within an hr! So cool.

And then we made a trip to art friend for fipd stuff and like wow, copic markers are EXPENSIVE, baby.

I ended up buying one pen. Lol.

But we did it again. I cant believe it. Hahaha.

Elizabeth, taufiq and i went off unexpectedly again! There we were, going abt town doing nothing but random window shopping.

It was so funny cos we went to see both male and female apparel tgt hahaha. imagine looking at heels and boxers in one sitting. Haha.

From taka we went to ion and then all the way to orchard central. Tiring. And omg marymount girls just took over my bus. Scary. Eek she's too near me. Scaryyy kanika save me. Omg. Okay.

it was like 6 by then, so we went to novena planning to do our work at udders but when we arrived we realised it was full and a class was gg on so taufiq and i camped at mac instead while eli went to work. at udders. Teehee.

And i actually finished my work! Tht's the best part lah, you know how i usu dont if im outside.

Marymount girls are noisy. Lol im not being mean, im serious.

Anyhoo.

Taufiq damn cute he keep erasing and drawing over and over again! Seriously think too much, his drawings were ok lor! Had to be there to see the funny side.

and then we left round nine thirty and now im on the bus and i wish the girl wld stay further away fr me. Personal space, you know.

I hate when ppl invade my personal space. waa like just now otw to udders. best, i tell you. Cant stand it alr, gonna glare at the girl now.

Ok bye babes! Im broke, anyone wanna treat me? Hurhur. Toodles! Loveeee.